Teen Grief 101: How to Recognize and Help a Grieving Teen

Grief is painful for anyone, but teenagers just learning to manage their emotions may have an especially hard time coping. While no loss is the same, understanding teen grief can equip parents and caregivers to provide the appropriate support.

Whether coping with the death of a loved one or the loss of a pet, knowing how to recognize teen grief can put you in a better position to support your teenager.

Understanding Teen Grief

Teen grief can manifest in many different ways—it’ll depend on your teen’s inherent personality traits and the nature of the loss. While there’s no telling how your teen will react to a traumatic loss, anticipating what might happen can make you better prepared to help.

Teens often grieve in waves

Grief isn’t linear, especially for teens who struggle with intense emotions. Many teenagers express feeling grief in “waves” that come and go. They might experience periods of calm, then suddenly become overwhelmed due to a trigger.

These triggers might include a particular song, someone who looks like a deceased loved one, or even food.

Grief in teens may include a range of emotions

Grief doesn’t always manifest as sadness or depression. Teenagers experiencing grief may feel angry, withdrawn, guilty, and confused. These emotions can be challenging for teenagers to manage and make them hypervigilant or aloof.

Occasionally, a teenager might feel incapacitated by these emotions and have a hard time concentrating on tasks or at school, experience constant flashbacks, or have trouble sleeping.

Grieving teens might exhibit changes in behavior

How grief affects teenagers behaviorally can depend on how they perceive the loss. Teenagers deeply affected by a loss might exhibit significant changes in behavior, such as increased risk-taking, mood swings, emotional outbursts, and restlessness.

Related: How to Explain Death to a Child

Signs a Teen is Struggling with Grief

When a teenager experiences grief, it isn’t uncommon for them to feel defeated or not themselves. However, there may come a time when grief becomes unbearable, which can cause them to shut down. Below are some signs your teenager might struggle with grief:

• Extreme withdrawal: 70% of teenagers say they don’t know how to express their grief, which causes them to withdraw from social situations [*]. Teenagers may also lose interest in things that once brought them joy, such as hobbies or outings with friends.
• Sleep troubles: Grief can significantly interrupt a teenager’s sleep patterns. They might experience insomnia, have difficulty staying asleep, or sleep excessively to escape painful emotions [*].
• Changes in eating habits: Changes in appetite typically swing to two extremes—your teenager might overeat to find comfort or lose interest in food [*]. When teenagers experience a loss of appetite, it is sometimes a trauma response to shared meals with the lost loved one.
• Guilt, self-blame, and self-harm: While it’s common for anyone to feel guilty after the passing of a loved one, it can become concerning if a teenager fixates on what they could’ve done to prevent the loss.

Related: The 6 Stages of Grief

How to Support a Grieving Teen

Some teens want to be alone while they grieve, but extending a helping hand is essential when needed. Here are some ways you can help your teenager navigate grief.

Create a safe space

Establish an environment where your teenager feels safe expressing themselves to you. You can do this by avoiding criticism and unsolicited advice. Remind your teen that they can express themselves in ways that are most comfortable for them, whether that’s through discussing their feelings verbally, speaking with a counselor, or writing their private thoughts in a journal.

If your teen isn’t ready to discuss their grief, you can provide them with resources, such as books on grieving.

Listen without judgment

Listen actively to what your teenager is saying and tell them you aren’t there to fix anything—just to hear them out. Remember, your goal is to make your teenager feel valued and loved, so avoid evaluating their words. 

Encourage them to talk

It isn’t always easy for teenagers to open up, so when they start to, avoid asking questions. If your teen has previously expressed concern about your judgment, don’t put them in a position to fear what you might think. Let them take the lead.

If your teenager isn’t ready to talk, don’t force them to. Instead, give them opportunities to express themselves in other ways, such as journaling.

Be present

Being present is key to connecting with your teenager as they express themselves. You can do little things, such as maintaining eye contact and being mindful of their body language. Avoid interrupting or formulating responses in your head.

Though it can be tempting, don’t encourage your teen to focus on the positive. Right now, that’s the last thing on their mind. Don’t change the topic either. Distraction is only a temporary fix, and avoidance can have repercussions later on, especially if your teen is encouraged to escape processing their emotions.

Model healthy coping

Grief can be so overwhelming that you neglect your self-care, but it’s important not to. If your teenager sees that you continue to put yourself first, they’ll stay mindful about their hygiene, health, and happiness.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests, even in small bursts. Involve your teenager in this process by inviting them to join you.

Allow them to honor their loss

Allowing your teenager to honor their loss means giving them space to grieve in their own way. Don’t try to tell them how to feel or speed up the grieving process. Remind them that there is no “right” way to grieve and that they can draw comfort from various sources, such as friends, family, teachers, or faith.

You can honor the loss together through grief activities like creating a memory box, engaging in a service project, or writing letters.

Be patient

Grief and loss can take a long time to process, and there is no set timeline for “getting over it.” Don’t try to rush your teenager into feeling better. Practice compassion and remind your teenager not to compare themselves with others.

When a teenager goes through the motions of grief, they may become loose with their responsibilities. However, it’s essential to allow some flexibility in their obligations.

Related: What is the Bargaining Stage of Grief?

When to Seek Professional Support for Teen Grief

It’s normal for teenagers to not feel like themselves when they’re grieving, but there may come a time when it’s necessary to seek professional support. Consider contacting a mental health professional if your teenager is showing signs of the following:

• Being unable to manage their day-to-day lives
• Intense emotions like sadness, anger, and depression are ongoing
• Thoughts of harming themselves or suicidal ideation

Grief Counseling for Teens 

Grief counseling for teens or bereavement therapy helps them cope with loss and the inability to separate themselves emotionally from the loss itself. Grief therapy aims to help teenagers achieve the following:

• Accept the reality of the loss
• Maintain a healthy connection with the lost loved one while finding ways to move on
• Adjust to life without the lost loved one
• Work through the pain of grief and return to regular responsibilities

Different types of grief therapy can help target specific needs. Some options include the following:

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): This therapy type is a derivative of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and encourages teenagers to accept their emotions and the circumstances from which they stem [*]. It aims to direct them toward healthier patterns and behaviors.
• Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): CBT for teens encourages them to identify negative thought patterns associated with grief and replace them with healthier, more optimistic perspectives.
• Family therapy: This therapy type is appropriate for families who’ve experienced a death in the family, miscarriage, divorce, chronic illness, or traumatic event. Through family therapy, teenagers can acknowledge and process shared family experiences and receive the appropriate support.

Support Groups

When teens experience a loss, they may sometimes feel alone. Participating in a support group can make them feel heard, validated, and relieved.

Hearing about others’ experiences with grief can give teenagers perspective into the healing process and provide them with a safe space to release their emotions. Studies show that coping with similar circumstances motivates teenagers to develop healthy coping mechanisms and confide in their loved ones more openly [*].

The Bottom Line

Regardless of how teenagers experience grief, none of them should have to experience it alone. With support from their parents, open communication with friends, and the opportunity to seek therapy, teenagers can manage grief-related emotions with grace and resilience.

Navigating grief isn’t easy, but using our grief worksheets can help your teenager make sense of things.

Sources:

1. Siegel L. “The New York Life Foundation’s 2017 Bereavement Survey: Key Findings.” New York Life Foundation, 2017.
2. Szuhany KL, Young A, Mauro C, et al. “Impact of sleep on complicated grief severity and outcomes.” Depression and Anxiety, 2020.
3. Brinkmann S. “The body in grief.” Mortality, 2019.
4. Twohig MP, Levin ME. “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a Treatment for Anxiety and Depression.” Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 2017.
5. Ulla Näppä, Björkman-Randström K. “Experiences of participation in bereavement groups from significant others’ perspectives; a qualitative study.” BMC Palliative Care, 2020.