What Is the Bargaining Stage of Grief?

Death does not just leave a permanent impact on the deceased; it also affects those individuals whom the deceased left a lasting impression on. Although each individual's grief reaction is unique, most undergo the five stages of grief, a theory proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In this article, the bargaining stage of grief is examined closely. The rationale for and signs of bargaining are explored, as well as the ways to move past this third stage of grief before the bargaining response becomes problematic.

What is the Bargaining Stage of Grief?

As the term suggests, the bargaining stage of grief relates to a negotiating process. This negotiation is done with either a higher power, other individuals, the deceased, or even oneself. Sometimes, when one is mourning over a loss, they may also negotiate their pain. All of these and other forms of bargaining are made with the aim of preserving the conditions that once were before the grieving individual lost their loved one to either death or some sort of separation [*]. In addition, guilt is often associated with the bargaining stage of grief. When the individual thinks to themselves, "What if...?" or "If only...", this leads them to dwell on the things that they could or would have done differently had they known that the loss would occur [*].

Why Do People Bargain During Grief?

In the bargaining stage of grief, the realization that the individual has no control over the situation begins to dawn on them. Thus, people bargain during grief because they are struggling in their transition between denial and acceptance of the loss [*]. Because losing someone from either death or separation is painful, the bargaining stage of grief allows the individual to delay their pain and sadness, as well as their confusion about the circumstances that led to their grief [*]. This postponement of pain provides ample time for the mind to adjust to the loss. In addition, it allows the person to gain a semblance of control, even if, in reality, the situation is beyond their control [*].

What are Examples of Bargaining Thoughts?

What makes bargaining distinct as a stage of grief is that the associated thoughts that one may have are often related to an exchange. Some examples of thoughts during the bargaining stage of grief are the following:

• Negotiating with a higher power: Negotiating with a higher being such as God or the universe is usually the case with bargaining. Such an example of a bargaining thought would be, "God, if you don't take my mother away from me, I'll have stronger faith in you."
• Asking many questions: You may ask a lot of questions to make sense of what happened. Examples of questions include, "If I paid more attention to my kid, would things have gone differently?"
• Offering to be more altruistic or a better person: When going through the bargaining stage of grief, some people may negotiate with themselves that if their grief goes away, they will help others more or be kinder to others. They may even offer to donate to charities, for as long as their pain goes away.

How Can I Recognize If I'm in the Bargaining Stage?

It may be challenging to distinguish whether you are in the bargaining stage of grief because of what you may currently be feeling. It may help you to know what the signs of bargaining during grief are, which include the following:

• Feeling guilty: The bargaining stage often involves a negotiation with a higher power, the universe, or oneself. This stems from feelings of guilt that perhaps you could have done something differently had the person you are grieving for continued to live.
• Rumination: Sometimes, individuals in the bargaining stage of grief may dwell on the loss of their loved one to the point that they repeatedly think over what could have been. "What if I cared for them more?" 'What would have happened if they got the treatment sooner?" These are examples of thoughts involved in rumination.
• Wishing for an alternative future: Bargaining may also occur when you find yourself wishing for a different outcome. That outcome could be that your loved one lived longer, or it could be that your grief would be less painful or would go away.

How Can I Move Past Bargaining?

Fortunately, there are several ways for you to cope with the bargaining stage of grief. Some of the ways to move past bargaining are the following [*]:

• Understand that there is no right way to grieve: Even if there is an existing model of grief that informs you of the common grief reactions, it does not necessarily mean that you have to grieve in that specific order or that you need to experience all those grief reactions at some point. For children to deepen their understanding of grief, they may opt to read children's books about grief and death.
• Don't be so hard on yourself: It is common to feel guilty during the bargaining stage of grief. However, it is important you be more compassionate toward yourself for the things you may not have done. Not only that, to move past bargaining, allow some room for self-forgiveness. Give yourself a gentle reminder that you did your best and that you impacted your loved one's life in the best possible way.
• Talk about your loss with your support system: Although grief may be an emotionally painful process, grieving over a loss is also a natural part of life. With that said, allow yourself to feel. Your emotions need to be recognized and communicated. After all, the fact that you are feeling all of these overwhelming emotions shows that you really did care about the person whom you have lost.
• Engage in other activities: Participating in different activities helps to restore balance in your life following the loss of a loved one [*]. Not only that, engaging in activities, especially creative ones, can facilitate the processing of your emotions. There are several grief activities for kids that can help them cope with grief and loss, such as making a promise jar and playing games that celebrate the deceased.
• Seek help when you need it: Grief can elicit a pain so overwhelming that one may not be able to cope. In such cases, it may be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional, such as a counselor or a therapist, who can aid you in navigating your grief. Grief handouts focused on education and coping skills can also prove useful in these counseling sessions.

How Long Does Bargaining in Grief Last?

Grief is overall an intense feeling to have, and naturally so. However, this intensity differs from one person to another. Moreover, it can come and go in waves. The bargaining stage, or the grieving process in general, can last for months. It can even persist for years. With that said, there is no fixed or predetermined time frame ideal for moving past the bargaining stage of grief. In fact, there is no empirical evidence supporting the idea that there must be a set period for the bargaining stage or any stage of grief, for that matter [*].

When Does Bargaining in Grief Become a Problem?

Grief may take several forms and may manifest differently from one person to another. However, grief reactions can become problematic when it transforms into complicated grief. This refers to an intense type of grief response that persists unusually for an extended period. Types of complicated grief include chronic grief, delayed grief, exaggerated grief, and masked grief [*].

Specific to the bargaining stage in grief, it becomes a problem when the following behaviors are present [*]:

• Burying one's emotional pain deep inside
• Feeling empty or believing that life is meaningless
• Lack of interest in hobbies or pastimes
• Difficulty trusting others
• Preoccupations about the deceased and the way they died
• Wanting to reconnect with the deceased
• Using illicit substances or misusing prescription medication to cope
• Suicidal ideation or self-harming behavior

If you observe these signs in yourself or in another person who is grieving over a loved one, it is crucial to seek professional help so that these feelings of distress can be mitigated.

The Bottom Line

Bargaining, as with any stage of grief, is a natural and common grief response to the loss of a loved one. Signs of bargaining may include praying or wishing for a different outcome and ruminating over the loss. Although sometimes such grief reactions may become so unusual to the point that they become problematic, ultimately, a grieving individual may learn to cope with the loss, especially if they reach out to their friends and family or other sources of support. Grief worksheets can serve as an aid as well in coping with grief.

References:

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