Why Do Kids Lie and What Can Parents Do?

By preschool age, nearly every child has experimented with fibbing and tall tales. They might do so to dodge punishments, feel more confident, or test the waters. Whatever the case, asking the question “Why do kids lie?” can help parents respond with curiosity and empathy.

Understanding whether children lie to boost their self-esteem, to protect themselves, or as an impulse encourages parents to use these as teaching moments. Discover the reasons behind why children lie and what you can do to address the problem.

Why Do Kids Lie?

Most parents assume that children lie to get something they want, but that isn’t always the case. There are other reasons children lie that you may not expect.

To avoid punishment

Many children will lie to avoid getting in trouble for something they’ve done. They might blame someone else, deny the behavior, or minimize the issue. This behavior aims to curb disappointment or avoid disciplinary actions.

To get attention or approval

If your child lacks confidence, they might tell grandiose lies for attention and approval [*]. They might lie about achievements, experiences, or good deeds to get praise, admiration, or simply to be noticed.

To impress peers

As children start to socialize with their peers, they may lie to try to fit in. Children might lie about where they live, what their parents do, or how much money they have to uphold a certain image.

Experimenting with imagination and fantasy

Children have huge imaginations. It isn’t uncommon to hear stories about dragons, fairies, or other make-believe creatures. However, sometimes, the line between reality and imagination can blur.

To gain something they want

One of the most common reasons children lie is to get something they want. For example, if they’re promised an ice cream or chocolate bar after finishing their homework, they might lie to get their reward faster.

To cope with anxiety or fear

When children are anxious or afraid, they may not want attention directed toward themselves. If they’re sick, for example, they might not want their parents to worry and minimize their symptoms by saying, “No, I feel fine.”

How to Address Lying with a Child

When children lie, parents might feel betrayed and upset. However, it’s important not to overreact. Instead, parents should focus on healthy and productive ways to correct the behavior. Here are some tips.

Stay calm and avoid accusations

It can be tempting to blow up at a child when they lie. However, making them feel blamed and afraid can encourage them to lie even more. Instead, keep calm and discuss the situation without lecturing.

Try not to be judgmental or accusatory. Your child may feel they can’t confide in you or feel that they’ve been branded a liar.

Understand why your child lied

There is always a reason children lie. Maybe they feel they’ll be punished for certain behaviors, want to fit in with their peers, or want attention.

Did they lie to get out of trouble? Are they trying to protect a friend? Are they experiencing peer pressure? Get to the root of why they lied and address that problem.

Tailor your response to the type of lie

When addressing your child’s behavior, it’s best to understand the kind of lie and the circumstances of the lie. Lies can occur in levels based on intensity, severity, and impact. A level 1 lie, for instance, might be minor, whereas a level 3 lie can be blatant and even pathological.

Suppose your child tells a lie for attention or because of low self-esteem. This is often considered a level 1 lie. Respond to them gently and don’t pay too much mind to the lie itself.

If your child continues to expound on the lie to create a level 2 lie, you may have to point out the behavior by saying, “Hey, that sounds a bit like a tall tale. Do you want to tell me what really happened?”

If your child becomes resistant and defensive or starts to tell serious lies that may put their well-being at risk (a level 3 lie), you might consider a consequence.

Avoid setting traps

Don’t test your child by asking questions you already know the answers to. They may feel untrusting and manipulated. Instead, be up front about it and use “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re lying about your homework,” say, “I see that you haven’t started your homework, even when you said you’d finished it. Are you having a hard time with something?”

Don’t label your child a liar

Labeling your child a liar creates a deep-seated wound that can significantly harm their self-esteem. They might lie even more because “Mom or dad won’t believe me anyway.” Your child might feel that the issue of lying is a lost cause, which may develop into a pattern.

How to Help Kids Avoid Lying

Children should feel safe enough around their family to tell the truth, and there are simple and healthy ways to encourage this.

Model honesty

All children learn by example. If you’re honest in your daily life, even over small mistakes like forgetting to complete a task, they’ll see that it’s okay to admit fault. If you slip up, always apologize and explain what you can do better.

Modeling honesty shows children that it’s an essential part of life, not just something you have to do to look good.

Create a safe environment for truth-telling

Sometimes, children lie because they are afraid of the consequences or don’t feel safe being honest. You can encourage honesty by creating a secure environment for the truth, even and especially when your child does something wrong.

Discuss the situation and praise them for being honest with you. Promise that you’ll listen without judgment and work together to find a solution.

Encourage open communication

Talk openly about why it’s important to be truthful. Spend time talking all about honesty. For example, you might encourage being honest even in instances when telling the truth might lead to consequences. Suppose your child has been drinking at a party. By being honest and calling you to pick them up, you can ensure they get home safely.

Further emphasize that lying may provide instant gratification, but it can create longer problems in the long run. You can encourage being truthful through honesty activities, such as playing a consequences game, creating an honesty storyboard, and building an honesty word web.

Praise them when they tell the truth

When children tell the truth, it shouldn’t feel like a loss. Always praise your child for being honest, even when they were afraid to be. Frame their mistakes as opportunities for growth.

If your child is lying out of insecurity, use this as a teaching moment. You might say, “I know you were saying these things because you want me to be proud, but I already am! You’re doing a really good job.”

When Should Parents Be Concerned?

Parents should be concerned about their child’s lying habits if they become frequent, extreme, and disruptive. You might consider intervening or seeking professional help if your child is lying to cover up serious misbehaviors like hurting others.

Other behaviors to watch for include aggression, stealing, or destroying things. It may also raise red flags if the lying has become disruptive to your child’s friendships and schoolwork.

It may also be concerning if your child doesn’t show any remorse after being caught in a lie.

You can seek help from a psychiatrist to determine the root of your child’s problem and develop strategies for coping with this behavior.

The Bottom Line

No parent wants to catch their child in a lie, but it’s a normal part of growing up. Addressing lying behavior is not a quick fix—it’s a process requiring open communication, creating safe environments, and understanding why your child is lying.

Teach your child about honesty and other essential life skills by using our worksheets on character education.

FAQs About Lying in Children

Is it normal for a child to lie?

It’s normal for kids to lie occasionally, mainly to avoid trouble or make themselves look better. However, lying can become a cause for concern when your child does it persistently and the behavior interferes with daily life.

At what age do kids start lying?

Some children start lying as early as two or three years old as a way to test boundaries and find out what they can get away with [*]. Lying becomes more common between the ages of four and six, as children can lie more strategically.

Is lying a sign of a behavioral problem?

Lying can be a sign of a behavioral problem, especially when the behavior occurs frequently, excessively, or as part of a pattern. Pathological lying (or compulsive lying) can indicate a mental health condition [*].

Sources:

1. Bhattacharjee Y, “Why We Lie: The Science Behind Our Deceptive Ways.” National Geographic Magazine, 2017.
2. Evans A & Lee K. “Emergence of lying in very young children.” Developmental Psychology, 2013.
3. Muzinic L, Dragica Kozaric-Kovacic, Igor Marinic. “Psychiatric aspects of normal and pathological lying.” International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 2016.