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Key Takeaways:
- Anger is an important part of the grieving process.
- There is no limit to the time spent mourning for the loss of a loved one.
- There are many ways to help you through the anger stage of grief, such as joining a support group.
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Losing a loved one is a life-changing experience, causing extreme emotional and psychological suffering. The anger stage of grief is one of five stages proposed by Kubler-Ross, wherein the individual goes through different grief responses to the loss of a loved one [*].
Children in the anger stage of grief may struggle to manage their emotions in the face of losing a loved one. It is therefore important that you and your child are well informed on how to navigate this process of grieving together. On that note, this article offers an in-depth look at anger during grief.
What Are the Stages of Grief?
The stages of grief are a person’s response to loss, although they are not usually experienced in any particular order because there is no typical way to grieve. Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance [*]. Kessler then expanded the theory to six stages of grief, which include the reconstruction stage. In this stage, one finds closure and rebuilds their stagnated life resulting from the pain caused by the loss of a loved one [*].
What Is the Anger Stage of Grief?
The anger stage of grief is one of the five stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross. When a person loses a loved one, they experience life-changing pain, and in response, they may develop a strong feeling of discontent toward their new reality that their dearly departed can no longer be a part of.
Anger in grief is characterized by the individual’s expression of rage and willingness to engage in conflict [*]. This can be directed toward themselves, their loved ones, and even God [*]. Anger during grief is an indication of how strongly the individual feels for whomever they have lost, and often, the concept of death may be difficult for children to deal with. Thus, it is important to know how to explain death to a child.
Why Do We Experience Anger During Grief?
The anger stage of grief is an important part of the journey toward healing after losing a loved one. It attests to how strongly the individual was attached to the subject prior to losing them [*]. A person may feel anger during grief because they feel that they should have seen a predicament coming. Alternatively, they may perceive the death or loss to be senseless. They may also feel powerless, unable to stop the event from happening. Finally, they may feel that they don’t deserve to be in that situation [*].
How Can I Recognize if I’m in the Anger Stage?
There are signs that you can be on the lookout for to check whether you are in the anger stage of grief, some of which are the following [*]:
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You blame yourself and others: When a person is faced with the death of a loved one, they may direct their anger toward themselves for not having the means to stop what has happened. They may also feel angry toward their loved one for not having taken better care of themselves.
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You become unusually emotionally reactive: When one is in the anger stage of grief, they may not realize that they are directing their anger at everyone around them. In this stage, you may display short-temperedness and be physically or verbally aggressive.
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You neglect your own needs: People experiencing anger during grief may tend to neglect many aspects of their lives, abuse alcohol or other illicit substances, or worse, engage in self-harm.
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You feel bitter toward everyone: The person experiencing grief may also lash out because they feel that they are being treated unfairly. They may also believe that they do not deserve to be in the situation they are in.
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You refuse to believe in divine intervention: An individual in the anger stage of grief may be dismissive toward everyone around them, especially when others talk about how the current circumstances may be a part of God’s plan.
Anger Stage of Grief Example Statements
Individuals in the anger stage are likely to express their frustration toward different people. Some expressions of anger in grief are the following [*]:
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“This can’t be real.” The person may struggle with making sense of their new reality—a reality without their loved one around. One such statement is, “I can’t believe he’s no longer with us.”
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“You don’t understand.” They may also tend to lash out at anyone who reaches out to console them. They may say something like, “What do you know about what I’m going through?”
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“How could they do this to me?” Anger during grief can drive a person to lash out even at the deceased, sometimes causing them to blame their departed for causing them overwhelming pain. An example of this would be saying, “How could you just die on me like that?”
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“It’s my fault.” People also tend to blame themselves for how the situation unfolded, even when they could not possibly have helped the circumstances happen otherwise. This could be exemplified by the statement, “I should’ve been there for her more.”
How Can I Move Past the Anger Stage of Grief?
The anger stage of grief is a natural part of a person’s grieving process. Although this stage is characterized by strong emotions that may strain relationships, there are ways to move past this stage. The anger stage can be resolved by keeping in mind the following [*]:
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Let your emotions flow: Remember that it is okay to feel anger during grief. Letting your emotions flow helps you to process them and slowly move on to the next step to your path to healing.
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Do not compare yourself with others: Everyone has gone through losing a loved one at some point. However, that does not mean that your loss is not valid in its own way.
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Do not let anyone tell you how to feel: There are no “shoulds” when it comes to experiencing emotions. Thus, allowing others to tell you how you should feel would just result in feeling invalidated. Thus, for you to move on from this stage, it is important that you do not let people, including yourself, dictate what you should feel.
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Find an emotional outlet: Look for activities that help calm you, such as watching movies, going on a trip to enjoy the peaceful scenery, or just lazing about. For children in particular, engaging in grief activities, such as storytelling and drawing, may be helpful.
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Reach out: Joining support groups may help you deal with anger during grief easier by exposing yourself to empathetic people who understand what you are going through. It is important to remember, however, to not engage in relationships that evoke strong feelings.
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Know your limits: When things become overwhelming, know when to step back or ask for help from family and friends.
How Long Does Anger in Grief Last?
Kubler–Ross supports the claim that grief is fluid and that no one goes through these stages the same way [*]. Many people can grieve for a long period, so placing a limit on the time spent mourning will not help [*]. It is important to remember to take your time to mourn; there is no predetermined time frame when it comes to grief.
When Does Anger in Grief Become a Problem?
Most individuals in the anger stage of grief can overcome their misery with little to no intervention, but there are some instances wherein some can suffer through psychological complications after the death of a loved one [*]. It is important to watch out for the following signs that your anger during grief may be of concern [*]:
- Having an aversion to conversations about death
- Difficulty caring about people
- Feeling envious of people who have experienced losses that are relatively minor
- Isolating yourself from family, friends, and other people in their lives
- Constant thoughts about how life is unfair and pointless after losing your loved one
If you or your child is experiencing any of the above signs for an extended period of time, consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
The Bottom Line
The anger stage of grief, like all the other stages of grief, is a crucial part of the grieving process. It is important to remember to take your time to mourn and to not compare your suffering with others. If you experience anger during grief, it is recommended that you stay in touch with people you trust. In addition, engaging in activities—including using grief worksheets—can be beneficial.
References:
- Shear MK, Simon M, Wall M, and others. Complicated grief and related bereavement issues for DSM-5. 2011.
- Love A. Progress in understanding grief, complicated grief, and caring for the bereaved. 2007.
- Sari AK. Stages of grief in grief (2006) novel by Andrew Holleran. 2023.
- Kubler-Ross E and Kessler D. On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. 12 Aug 2014.
- Avis KA, Stroebe M, and Schut H. Stages of grief portrayed on the Internet: A systematic analysis and critical appraisal. 2 December 2021.
- Lebel U and Ronel N. The emotional reengineering of loss: On the grief-anger-social action continuum. 2009.
- Maciejewski PK, Zhang B, Block SD, and others. An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. 21 February 2007.
