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Key Takeaways:
- Siblings might fight for parental attention, personality differences, varying needs, or the desire for independence.
- Handling sibling fights involves understanding the root cause of the problem, listening to both sides, separating them when things get heated, and finding compromises.
- You can prevent sibling fights by setting clear rules and expectations, modeling healthy conflict resolution, and spending quality time with your children.
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Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up, even among children who are close. However, frequent or intense sibling fighting can create lasting physical and emotional damage, and you may wonder whether your children will ever get along.
If you’ve noticed increased sibling fighting among your children, this guide is for you. Learn why siblings fight, how it can affect their relationship over time, and what you can do to create a more supportive environment for conflict resolution.
Why Do Siblings Fight?
One of the primary reasons siblings fight is for parental attention. Feelings of jealousy or competition can fuel sibling rivalry and lead to conflict.
Children also have individual temperaments—some may be laid-back, while others are more easily frustrated, which can lead to conflict.
Siblings may also fight if they have bigger age gaps. Teenagers, for instance, often have a growing need for independence and may resent having to help care for younger siblings. This is especially true for teenagers helping care for siblings with special needs.
Despite the challenges, sibling rivalry can be healthy. When siblings fight, they develop their conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.
Is It Normal for Siblings to Fight So Much?
It’s normal for siblings to fight, though there may come a point where this becomes problematic. Parents should intervene when they notice the following:
- Verbal and physical abuse
- Sibling relationships characterized by severe anxiety or low self-esteem
- Inability to resolve conflicts without adult intervention
While it’s common for children of preschool age to express conflict physically because of limited verbal skills, it’s important for parents to step in [*].
At What Age Do Siblings Fight the Most?
Research has shown that 50% of children are victimized by siblings, with peak rivalry occurring between 2 and 9 years [*]. Verbal aggression is most prevalent in childhood, whereas more serious, harm-fueling aggression occurs later on.
Parental stress and anger can also “spill over” into sibling rivalries and exacerbate siblings’ aggression toward one another.
How to Handle Sibling Fighting
While the occasional argument or disagreement is normal, it’s appropriate for parents to step in when the fighting involves threats of physical and emotional harm. Here’s what you can do to intervene and provide support.
Understand why they’re fighting
Understanding the root of the conflict can help you break vicious cycles and unhealthy patterns. Younger children are still learning to self-regulate and may fight over simple things like not wanting to share [*].
Siblings might also squabble because of personality differences. If one sibling is more sensitive, whereas the other is more aggressive, it isn’t uncommon for them to disagree occasionally.
Don’t forget environmental factors. Some children are more “testy” when they’re hungry, sleepy, or overstimulated.
Separate them if needed
While most minor quarrels will resolve themselves, parents should intervene in sibling fights when they become violent or risk one another’s safety. Separate your children and resume a discussion when everyone is calm and ready to talk. You can use this opportunity to give each child a time-out and encourage them to reflect on their actions.
Remind your children that the most respectful way to resolve conflicts is not to hit, but to use words. If they can’t communicate calmly, encourage them to walk away and sit with their emotions first.
Don’t take sides
As a parent, you should remain impartial during sibling conflicts and validate all children equally. Avoid singling out who may be at fault and instead focus on the root conflict to shift the focus toward resolution.
Listen to both sides
Hearing both sides of the conflict involves focusing on your children’s behaviors versus labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Listen actively to each child’s version of what occurred and identify specific misbehaviors, such as name-calling or hitting.
Help them find a compromise
Sometimes, helping siblings resolve conflicts can make parents feel like referees or spectators to a building disaster. Instead, you should take on the role of “coach” and try strategies like brainstorming solutions together.
For example, if your children want to use a toy simultaneously, encourage them to find a solution by saying, “What can we do to make sure each of you gets a turn?” They might suggest time limits or playing with a toy together.
Apply consequences fairly
When conflicts occur, there are always natural consequences—but the goal is to teach responsibility, not to punish your children.
Consider joint consequences, such as losing screen time or phone privileges, to avoid making one child feel singled out. From there, encourage making amends to reinforce empathy.
How to Prevent Sibling From Fighting
Sibling fights are inevitable, but you can take action to lessen their frequency. Here are some strategies you can apply to help siblings get along.
Set clear family rules
Establishing clear rules is critical to mitigating violence. If one child hurts their sibling, intervene immediately and remind them of the rule they broke and its consequences. For example, you can enforce time-outs or the temporary loss of a privilege for hitting a sibling.
Avoid comparing and labeling
Labeling your children things like “the smart one” or “the troublesome one” can intensify competition and jealousy. Overt comparisons can significantly impact a child’s self-esteem, so it’s essential to focus on each child’s strengths instead.
Instead of highlighting general traits, focus on specific skills, such as how well your child writes, plays sports, or cooks.
Teach conflict resolution skills
Strong conflict resolution skills are paramount for diffusing sibling rivalry. Some helpful conflict resolution skills include respectful negotiation through family meetings, walking away to catch a breath, or seeking help from an adult when a child feels too provoked.
Use our conflict resolution poster to help your children work through disagreements and frustration together.
Model healthy conflict
Children learn to resolve conflicts by taking after their parents or primary caregivers. Thus, modeling healthy problem-solving can impact your children and how they resolve disagreements or fights.
Parents should act and speak calmly, even when they’re upset. Use “I” statements, such as “I get really stressed when you forget things we’ve scheduled on the calendar,” or “I’m hurt that you talked to me rudely.”
Model taking turns speaking, listening actively, and brainstorming solutions to encourage children to follow suit.
Spend quality time with them
Again, many siblings fight for parental attention. Spending quality time with your children can make them feel validated, seen, and heard. Schedule regular individual and shared activities, such as playing board games, seeing a movie, or visiting the park.
If spending one-on-one time with your child, direct it toward their interests. For example, if one of your children loves the outdoors, you can take a walk or hike. If your other child prefers to stay in, you can suggest reading time or playing music.
The Bottom Line
Siblings will fight. It’s inevitable. They’ll quarrel over who gets to watch TV, debate over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, and engage in minor disagreements at the dinner table. You can keep sibling fighting at a minimum by spending quality time with both children, learning to compromise, modeling healthy problem-solving, and understanding their individual needs.
Learn other ways to encourage healthy relationships between children by exploring our collection of worksheets.
Sources:
- Dirks MA, Recchia HE, Estabrook R, et al. “Differentiating typical from atypical perpetration of sibling‐directed aggression during the preschool years.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 2018.
- Tucker CJ. “Sibling Victimization in Childhood.” The Encyclopedia of Child and Adolescent Development, 2020.
- Zachariou A, Whitebread D. “Developmental differences in young children’s self-regulation.” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 2019.
