What Is the Denial Stage of Grief?

Death and loss are inevitabilities in life that shock both the body and the mind of those profoundly impacted. Grief sets in, accompanied by overwhelming emotions and agony—reasonably so, as the mourner is forced to adjust to a new life without their lost loved one. Before this complete adjustment happens, the denial stage of grief is typically the first response to a death or loss of a friend or family member. This article expounds on the denial stage of grief, as well as the feelings commonly experienced by individuals in this stage and tips to help move on in a healthy way.

Stages of Grief

Explaining death to a child may be difficult, much more grief. However, death, as well as grief, is a part of life, so it is crucial that parents and their children understand the inevitability of death, as well as the stages of grief that they may undergo.

The denial stage of grief is just one of several stages in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s grief model. In her original theory, there are five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Later on, the theory was expanded by others to include six stages of grief, with the final stage being reconstruction.

Two points are noteworthy regarding Kubler-Ross’s theory of grief. First, the stages of grief do not necessarily apply only to grieving over the death of a loved one. Rather, this model may also apply to those who face heartbreak or separation from an intimate relationship, individuals who receive a diagnosis that they cannot seem to accept, and so on [*].

Second, the stages of grief are not necessarily sequentially ordered [*]. It would probably be more accurate to call Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief as typical coping grief responses. Indeed, the stages of grief reflect how people navigate experiences of separation and loss [*]. However, it is still possible for an individual to go through each stage in the traditional order, beginning with the denial stage of grief.

What Is the Denial Stage of Grief?

The denial stage of grief encompasses a set of responses whereby the individual attempts to escape the thoughts and feelings that accompany the loss. This inclination to escape is elicited by the wish to defend oneself from a state of overwhelm [*].

In this stage, the person may try not to be reminded of the loss. Whereas some would keep themselves busy to achieve this, others would use alcohol or illicit substances to take their mind off their pain. The denial stage of grief may also take the form of caring for other people, as opposed to attending to one’s own needs and well-being.

Why Do People Experience Denial During Grief?

Although denial seems like an unhealthy way to cope, it can actually be an adaptive strategy. In fact, it is a natural response to difficult situations. According to Kubler-Ross and Kessler, avoiding the problem through the denial stage of grief enables the person to compartmentalize what they can handle in increments [*]. In that sense, denial can serve as a staging ground in preparation for the final stage of grief: acceptance [*]. In addition, human beings are hardwired to fight for their survival. Thus, the denial stage of grief can be viewed as a means of survival; specifically, it allows individuals to survive losing a loved one [*].

How the Denial Stage of Grief Feels

During the denial stage of grief, the individual believes that the separation or loss is not as painful as it actually is and that everything will be all right [*]. Individuals in this stage experience a combination of strong emotions, including the following:

• Shock: When a person experiences the loss of a loved one, they may experience a feeling of shock—a heightened state of alert as one processes a traumatic event.
• Numbness: Numbness is characterized by a person’s temporary emotional detachment to cope with the overwhelming emotions that are elicited by such a devastating event.
• Disbelief: After losing a loved one, the person may be unwilling to accept what transpired.
• Confusion: People in the denial stage of grief can also experience the inability to think clearly and may find it difficult to process or make sense of what is happening.

There are many other possible feelings that a person may experience after losing a loved one. In addition, especially for children, it may be challenging to recognize and process these emotions. Fortunately, there are many resources available, such as children’s books about grief and death, that can extend the discussion on the emotions that accompany separation and loss.

Denial Stage of Grief Example Statements

The individual in the denial stage of grief is facing a life-changing event that they are refusing to accept; therefore, they may use various coping methods to convince themselves that the current situation is better than it actually is, including expressing different kinds of denial statements such as the following:

• Alternate scenarios: The grieving individual may come up with a positive alternate outcome that they fully believe will happen. One such thought would be, “She’s strong enough to survive this. She will beat cancer.”
• Second opinion: When the inevitable is in sight, such as in cases involving terminal illnesses, the individual may attempt to delay the inevitable by seeking a person who can deliver news of a better outcome. An example would be, “I am sure the doctors are wrong. We just need to get a second opinion.”
• Belief that the event is not real: When people are surprised with terrible news, they find themselves struggling to accept that they are now living that new reality. “This can’t be real!” or “When will I wake up from this nightmare” are examples of such statements that one may be thinking in this scenario.

How Can I Move Past the Denial Stage of Grief?

A person going through the denial stage of grief can find it difficult to cope with their new reality. It truly is harrowing to imagine living in a world without your loved ones in it. Fortunately, there are ways you can move past the denial stage of grief, such as the following:

• Validate your feelings: Although losing someone can cause overwhelming pain, blocking out your emotions for an extended period of time will only delay your journey to healing. Allowing yourself to grieve over your loss is an important part of this process.
• Reach out to others: Loss is an uphill battle that people are not meant to fight alone. Being around loved ones—even when you are not ready to talk about what pains you—will serve as enough of a reminder that there is more to life beyond this point.
• Embrace your memories with them: In the denial stage of grief, a person may find it easier to turn away from anything that reminds them of whom they have lost. Opening yourself up to cherished memories can be painful at first, but over time, it will serve you better in your journey toward acceptance.
• Make sure that your needs are met: Individuals going through the denial stage of grief can be too focused on avoiding pain. It is important that you take care of yourself through prioritizing your basic needs such as having a balanced diet and practicing good sleep hygiene.
• Take back control of your life: When an individual goes through the grieving process, they may find themselves too ensnared in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as social isolation and illicit substance use. Engage in meaningful activities instead to reduce stress and reinvigorate yourself.
• Get help from a professional: There will be days when any of the aforementioned ways of moving past the denial stage of grief is just not enough anymore. Seeking help from a professional who can guide you through your grief will help greatly when you are struggling to cope by yourself.

How Long Does Denial in Grief Last?

The denial stage of grief has no fixed time frame because individuals vary in their ability to adapt and cope. Kubler-Ross has pointed out that this stage is temporary and may occur for just a short period of time [*].

When Does Denial in Grief Become a Problem?

It is important for an individual to move past the denial stage of grief. If this persists for a prolonged period, though, unresolved grief can cause mental health issues and interfere with day-to-day functioning.

There are several signs of pathological grief, some of which are the following [*]:

• Inability to speak about the loss of the loved one without feeling a fresh wave of grief
• Bursts of grief reaction disproportionate to the situation
• Feeling compelled to mimic the behaviors of the deceased
• Self-destructiveness
• Irrational fears about anything remotely related or similar to the death, separation, or loss

In addition, the individual may exhibit signs of complicated grief that point toward the need for professional help, such as the following [*]:

• Minimizing expressions of grief
• Displacement by channeling one’s feelings toward something or someone else
• Rationalizing the loss
• Experiencing grief in the form of psychosomatic symptoms

If you observe these signs in yourself or in another person, it is important that you seek professional help so that these can be addressed before they get progressively worse.

The Bottom Line 

The denial stage of grief, like any other stages of grief, is a natural response to losing a loved one. People can be overwhelmed with strong emotions that they refuse to acknowledge their new reality. However, with proper care and support, they will be able to overcome this stage. It is thereby crucial to be on the lookout for signs of unresolved grief and address them as soon as possible to prevent prolonged grief from further impacting the individual’s quality of life.

Explore our grief worksheets for additional resources to support one's journey through grief and loss.

References:

1. Nurjanah H. 5 stages of grief in C.S. Lewis’ novel a grief observed. 31 May 2023.
2. Kubler-Ross E and Kessler D. On grief and grieving: Five stages of grief. 2009.
3. Bruce CA. The grief process for patient, family, and physician. 1 September 2002.