How to Explain Death to a Child

Death can be a complicated and overwhelming thing to grasp, and explaining it to a child isn’t easy. However, like most “big” topics, you should be frank and straightforward.

When learning how to explain death to a child, you should consider their developmental age and use age-appropriate terms. Below, we provide comprehensive tips on explaining death and supporting your child through difficult times.

Children's Understanding of Death by Age

How a child understands the concept of death depends on their developmental stage. While they can grieve as profoundly as teenagers or adults, younger children may struggle to manage intense emotions and process the loss. Here’s a closer look at how a child might perceive death according to their age.

Infants & Toddlers

While babies don’t yet understand death, they can sense the grief and sadness of others [*]. Because they don’t have the vocabulary to express their grief, babies may “act out” by being clingier than usual or crying inconsolably. Babies may also be constantly unsettled if their feeding and sleeping schedules are disrupted.

Babies might also become withdrawn as an expression of “missing” the deceased, especially if they have grown fond of them. They might lose interest in their favorite toys or experience delays in developing motor skills and language.

Pre-Schoolers (3-5 years old)

As children enter preschool, they perceive death as something temporary because of their literal thinking. If parents use euphemistic language, such as saying a grandparent has “gone to sleep for a long time,” a preschooler might perceive this literally.

Because they have a deeper understanding of death from infancy, preschoolers might ask many questions about the deceased.

Like babies, they can become deeply affected by how others around them grieve and manifest their worries through increased separation anxiety, a loss of interest in their favorite things, and a regression in skills like language development or toilet training. 

School Age (6-9 years old)

By school age, most children have a comprehensive understanding of death but may refuse to accept it as reality. However, they may struggle to express themselves, as they still lack the vocabulary to process their grief.

At school age, children may develop magical thinking and falsely believe that their actions and behaviors caused the death. They might “negotiate” with a higher power or think that they can make the deceased come back. Because of this magical thinking, they might improve their behavior to “make up” for the loss.

Pre-Adolescent (9-12 years old)

Unlike younger children, pre-adolescents may prefer to process their grief alone. Pre-teens may feel too vulnerable to ask for support from their parents and instead turn to their peers.

Because death can make pre-adolescents aware of their mortality, they might “act out” or engage in risky behavior like playing dangerous games or even experimenting with substances [*].

It’s common for preteens to become apathetic and wonder what the point is. Because of these thoughts, they might neglect their responsibilities at home and school. Subsequently, they might want to see their friends more to distract themselves from reality. 

How to Explain Death to a Child

Explaining death to a child can be complicated and unsettling, but communicating with them is essential to providing the proper support. 

Offer support through comfort

If your child is an infant, there may be no point in explaining death quite yet. Instead, you can give comfort and reassurance by offering extra cuddles or keeping to your child’s routine as much as possible.

Some children feel supported through physical touch [*]. If so, give your child hugs, hold their hand, or simply sit with them for a while.

Be straightforward and direct

When talking to a young child about death, it’s essential to be straightforward, mainly because they think literally. Explain that when a person dies, their body stops working. Be honest and tell them they won’t see the deceased loved one again but that it’s natural to miss them and think about them.

Keep it simple and reinforce that death is a natural part of life. At school age, kids are still learning to express and understand their feelings, so be patient if they ask the same question several times.

Cope together

Grieving the death of a loved one can be an incredibly isolating experience, especially for older children. At this time, togetherness is important, so long as you still respect your child’s boundaries.

Don’t try to be overly present. Instead, suggest coping together in ways you’re both comfortable with. For instance, you might pray, journal, or practice other grief activities together.

What to Avoid When Explaining Death to a Child

There is no “right” way to explain death, and while all thoughts and feelings are valid, some messages can be potentially unhelpful. Here are a few things to avoid when explaining death to a child:

• “I know it hurts now, but you’ll feel better soon.” Allow your child time to grieve. This might pressure them into feeling better as quickly as possible and lead to repressed pain that may surface later.
• “You need to be strong right now.” Children should be able to express their emotions—not feel like they have to hide them.
• “They’ve gone to sleep for a long time.” Remember, younger children struggle to understand metaphors, so being direct with them is better. Saying a loved one has gone to sleep may set unrealistic expectations and confuse them.
• “You must be so sad.” While it’s natural for children to feel sadness or depression after the death of a loved one, it’s best not to assume their emotions. This might also pressure a child to agree with your statements even if their feelings don’t match them.

How to Handle a Child’s Fear of Death After Explaining It

Children are less likely to fear death and dying when they understand it. However, it’s essential to find a balance when talking about death to a child. Here’s what you can do:

• Revisit the topic of death regularly. Especially in the beginning, it’s helpful not to shy away from the topic of death. Some children need more reassurance than others, and you should make yourself available to discuss their fears and thoughts while listening actively.
• Use age-appropriate terms. While it’s important to be direct about death, how deeply your child understands the concept depends on their developmental stage. Younger children, for instance, may struggle to accept that death is final. However, you shouldn’t cushion the blow by using vague terms like “passed on” or “asleep,” which can misinform a child.
• Reassure them in realistic ways. When someone dies, a child might worry that another family member will die shortly after. Instead of reassuring them you’ll stick around for a long time, which may not be realistic, console them by saying, “This is why we do our best to stay healthy by eating right and getting exercise. It makes our bodies stronger.”
• Read books. No parent is perfect, and they won’t always have the right words to say to their children. If you need a little help explaining death to your child, you can provide them with books about grief.

The Bottom Line

Learning how to tell a child about death is an uncomfortable process, but an important one. When your child has a healthy understanding of death, they’ll be less fearful and more confident in daily life.

Help your child work through their grief by practicing activities in our grief worksheets, which can help children and families develop healthy coping mechanisms during hard times.

Sources:

1. Bonnano G. “The Other Side of Sadness.” Google Books, 2019.
2. Punziano Antonella Cinzia, Montagna L, Mastroianni C, Casale Giuseppe, Michela Piredda, Grazia M. “Losing a Parent.” Journal of Hospice and Palliative Nursing, 2014.
3. Johansson C, Hedlin M, Adberg M. “A touch of touch: Preschool teacher education students’ reflections about physical touch.” Issues in Educational Research, 2018.