Tattling vs. Telling: What’s the Difference and Why It Matters

If your child has ever heard the saying, “No one likes a tattletale,” there’s probably a good reason. Tattling can be mean-spirited, especially when the goal is to get someone else in trouble. Thus, teaching your child the difference between tattling vs. telling is important for helping them communicate more thoughtfully.

In this guide, parents will learn to distinguish between tattling and telling, and understand the reasons behind both actions.

What is Tattling?

Tattling refers to when a child reports misbehavior from peers to an adult, despite the situation being under control [*]. Children might tattle on friends or classmates who take their things as a way to shift blame or gain approval from adults.

Young kids have a very black-and-white view of rules and often tattle for approval or praise. Even when they can handle the situation themselves, they may believe tattling is the right thing to do.

Why Do Kids Tattle?

One of the main reasons children tattle is for validation and praise [*]. They often believe that tattling is the only solution to a manageable problem because they still lack the appropriate problem-solving and communication skills to resolve the issue themselves. They may also tattle for attention or out of frustration.

What is Telling?

Telling refers to when a child seeks help from an adult about a situation they feel is unsafe or serious. For example, they might report a problem such as bullying, an injury, or a medical emergency.

Telling demonstrates a child’s empathy, care, and concern for others and is a good sign of civic-mindedness.

Tattling vs. Telling

Tattling and telling may seem similar, but they differ in terms of intent, urgency, and impact. Let’s take a closer look at what differentiates the two.

Intent

When a child tattles, the goal is typically to get another child in trouble or to receive praise from an adult. They often aim to draw attention to themselves.

On the other hand, children may tell out of concern and the desire to keep themselves and people around them safe.

Urgency

When children tell, it’s usually out of urgency. They might be caught up in a dangerous situation or notice that someone is hurt and needs immediate attention.

Conversely, tattling typically involves isolated and minor incidents without any immediate risk. Children may even concoct a story when they choose to tattle.

Impact

Children who tell are solution-oriented and want to solve concerning problems by being as helpful as possible. The ultimate goal is to ensure the safety of everyone around them.

By contrast, tattling often leads to escalated conflicts. Because the intent is often mean-spirited, it can make everyone involved feel tense, uncomfortable, and even distrustful.

Tattling vs. Telling Chart

Need a quick resource for distinguishing between tattling and telling? Here’s a helpful chart.

Why the Differences Matter

Understanding the differences between telling and tattling puts you in a better position to guide your child’s development and safety. By grasping the two concepts, you can help your child become kinder and more empathetic toward others.

Instead of tattling, encourage your child to try to solve the problem on their own. Doing so makes them more responsible and accountable for their actions and motivates them to think before they do something that might hurt others.

By helping children differentiate between tattling and telling, they can avoid unnecessary conflict, maintain focus on immediate dangers, and rely more on themselves as they grow older [*]. The better they differentiate, the more constructively they can solve problems.

How to Teach Kids the Difference

Because tattling and telling seem similar, finding simple and effective ways to help children understand the difference is important. Here are some things you can do.

Simple phrases or scripts

Set simple rules and boundaries. For example, you can tell a child, “If someone is in danger, tell an adult. If everyone is safe, try solving the problem.” Then, provide scripts for specific instances.

Go through the motions by asking:

• Is someone hurt or in danger?
• Did you talk to your friend politely?
• Were you able to solve the problem?
  

Role-playing and scenario-based learning

Acting out scenarios can help children feel more immersed and develop a better understanding of potential situations. You might observe friend-to-friend interactions, such as an argument about taking turns or witnessing someone push another child on the playground.

Rehearse what they might say using “I” statements when they confront their peers. For example, they might say, “I get upset when you take my things without asking. Please ask me for permission next time.”

Use of visual aids

Many children are visual learners. If your child is more engaged through visual learning, you can create a simple chart, such as a Tattling vs. Telling chart, for them to apply to different situations. You can also use picture books that illustrate what to do.

Positive reinforcement

Remember, when children tattle, the goal is often to seek validation or praise. Instead, offer positive reinforcement for instances when they tell for the right reasons. For example, if they report an incident requiring adult intervention, give them specific praise like, “Thank you for telling me. You did well looking out for your friend.”

On the other hand, when they tattle, don’t punish them. Instead, react calmly by saying, “Remember, if no one is hurt, we don’t want to get anyone in trouble. Try finding ways to solve the problem.”

What to Do When a Child Tattles Often

When a child tattles often, it’s best not to resort to punishment. Remember, they want your attention, and you can use this opportunity as a teaching moment. Avoid making your child feel humiliated or ashamed. Instead, ask why they came to you. What outcome did they hope to achieve? What can you do to help?

As your child opens up, move the situation toward a resolution by providing suggestions for next steps and brainstorming together. For example, if they’re tattling on someone because they’re angry, pinpoint the root cause of their anger and go from there. Ask them, “Were your feelings hurt by what they did? Maybe you can share those feelings with them. If you’re not ready to talk to them, how about writing a letter?”

Together, think of other ways to handle the situation instead of tattling. Offer your child simple coping strategies, such as walking away and taking deep breaths.

If your child keeps tattling, don’t give up. Be patient. Use every opportunity as a teaching moment and try different techniques.

The Bottom Line

Learning how to seek help from a trusted adult is critical for a child’s safety. However, they’ll also need to learn to solve minor problems to improve their independence. Ultimately, the core difference between tattling and telling is a fundamental safety issue — and clear guidelines, role-playing, and support can help children practice conflict resolution and know when to ask someone for help.

Use worksheets from our social emotional learning collection to help your child become more empathetic, a stronger problem-solver, confident, and self-reliant.

FAQs About Tattling and Telling

What age do children typically start tattling?

Tattling starts during preschool age, though most begin regularly tattling at four years. Many kindergarten-age children tattle to test limits and social norms.

Is tattling a normal part of development?

Tattling is a normal part of development. In some ways, it helps children understand and reinforce rules. In particular, younger children tend to hyperfocus on what’s fair or what they want. Thus, they might throw others under the bus to achieve this.

Can tattling be a sign of anxiety or insecurity?

Tattling can sometimes be a sign of anxiety or insecurity, as they might do it to seek reassurance or validation from others. Children might also engage in this behavior to seek attention from adults.

Sources:

1. Xu J. “Tattling with Chinese Characteristics: Norm Sensitivity, Moral Anxiety, and “The Genuine Child.” Ethos, 2020.
2. Marshall J, McAuliffe K. “Children as assessors and agents of third-party punishment.” Nature Reviews Psychology, 2022.
3. Talwar V. “The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children at Every Age and Stage.” American Psychiatric Association, 2022.