Toddler Tantrums and How to Deal with Them

Even the tiniest toddlers can have the biggest emotions. In response, they’ll kick, scream, and cry, which can be endlessly tiring for parents. However, parents can learn how to deal with toddler tantrums given the right support and strategies.

In this article, you’ll learn the root causes behind why toddlers throw tantrums and what you can do to provide the appropriate support.

What Causes Toddler Tantrums?

Tantrums are a regular part of childhood development, and they might occur due to exhaustion, hunger, or frustration, among other things. If your child is having tantrums, the likely causes are as follows.

Emotional development

It’s not uncommon for young children to struggle with big emotions, especially when they can’t express themselves verbally. In most cases, tantrums are the only way toddlers can express anger and frustration [*].

Limited communication

Because toddlers lack developed communication skills, they might throw tantrums to indicate that they’re hungry, sleepy, or upset [*]. As children’s language skills develop, they can verbalize their needs instead of having meltdowns.

Hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation

Many children throw tantrums in response to physical triggers, such as hunger or fatigue. They might also throw tantrums in response to overstimulation from noise and crowds, which can overwhelm a child’s still-developing brain.

Frustration with boundaries

Toddlers are naturally curious and often want to explore their surroundings. However, it’s every parent’s job to keep their child safe, and your toddler may not respond well to these boundaries. When you say “no” to your toddler, they may feel held back and suddenly lash out.

Desire for independence

Curiosity comes with a desire for independence. As toddlers discover their autonomy, they often long for increased decision-making power. However, their lack of self-control can lead to poor choices that parents work hard to prevent. This back-and-forth can cause them to act out.

Common Toddler Tantrums

So, your toddler has learned to throw tantrums—but what kind of tantrums are they throwing? You might notice some of these tantrums occurring frequently in your household.

The “I Want Now” Tantrum

Toddlers have little patience and often want what they want whenever they want it. When you tell your toddler to wait, they might scream and cry while grabbing the object of their desire.

Common triggers include: Wanting something immediately, including toys, food, or a specific activity

The “I’m Tired or Hungry” Tantrum

Tantrums stemming from hunger or exhaustion often come on suddenly and without warning. A child might suddenly cry or protest loudly. Experts recommend anticipating known triggers by setting regular sleep schedules and meal times.

Common triggers include: Not getting enough sleep, hunger, or exhaustion

The “I’m Frustrated and Can’t Say It” Tantrum

Children may throw tantrums in frustration when working on a task they can’t understand or complete. For example, they might cry if they can’t put their shoes on or play with their toys properly.

Common triggers include: Frustration over the inability to perform a task or understand concepts (such as unfamiliar places, people, and objects)

The “You’re Not Paying Attention to Me” Tantrum

Lots of children throw tantrums when they aren’t getting the attention they want. If they feel ignored by a parent or sibling through positive actions, they’re likely to resort to negative actions, such as screaming or kicking.

Common triggers include: Not getting someone’s attention or feeling overlooked

The “You’re Not Letting Me Do It Myself” Tantrum

Again, toddlers are hyper-curious. So, when they discover they can do things themselves, they’ll often want to keep trying. If an adult intervenes, they may start throwing a fit out of a strong desire for autonomy.

Common triggers include: Wanting to perform a task without parental help, even when they don’t know how

The “Big Emotions Overload” Tantrum

When toddlers are overcome with intense emotions, they may not know how to express themselves other than by screaming or bursting into tears. These outbursts may occur even after positive experiences, such as extreme excitement.

Common triggers include: Feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, encountering something or someone that makes them emotional

The “Change in Routine” Tantrum

Big changes can be challenging to adjust to, and a child might express these fears and hesitations through tantrums. They may refuse to settle into their new routine or often scream for their parents.

Common triggers include: Starting school, moving to a new place, meeting someone new, or experiencing a significant life event

How to Deal with Toddler Tantrums

When your child has a tantrum, the ultimate goal is to get them to calm down in a safe and healthy way. Here are some strategies you can use to deal with toddler tantrums.

Stay calm

Responding to your child in a frantic way will only make them feel more anxious and panicked. By staying calm, your child won’t feel the need to match your intensity. Instead, they’ll be more inclined to quiet down and get your attention in a healthier way.

Identify the trigger

The quickest and most effective way to stop a tantrum is to understand what may be causing it. Is your child hungry? Do they look tired? Try to anticipate potential tantrums in advance. For example, if you’re going on a long road trip, have your child go to the toilet and have a snack before getting into the car.

Acknowledge their feelings

When your child is having a tantrum, the last thing you want to do is make them feel more isolated. Validate them by saying, “I know you’re tired/upset/sad,” and follow up with something like, “Maybe we can find a way to make you feel better.”

Encourage your child to be more open about their emotions with a feelings and emotions chart. They can use this chart to reflect on how they feel and improve their emotional vocabulary.

Use short, clear language

You’ll want to avoid lecturing your child when they’re throwing a tantrum. Anyway, they may not be inclined to listen. Instead, use short and clear language to express yourself and your expectations. Save your discussion when all tears are shed and your child is calm.

Offer simple choices

A child throwing a tantrum is likely already overwhelmed, so you’ll want to keep the next few minutes as simple as possible. You can restore their sense of control by offering them limited choices, such as what color shirt they want to wear or whether they prefer pancakes or cereal for breakfast.

Redirect attention

Distraction can sometimes be a helpful tactic, especially when your child’s tantrum puts them in a dangerous position. If your child is mid-meltdown, you can move them into another room or give them their favorite toy for comfort. Remember that the goal is to soothe them, not give in to their demands every time they lash out.

Don’t give in to demands

While it can be tempting to give in to your child’s demands to get them to stop crying or screaming, they’ll eventually learn that bad behavior can get them what they want. Instead, take the child's attention away during the tantrum. When they calm down, remind them they can only get what they want by asking kindly and politely.

How to Prevent Future Tantrums

Tantrums will happen, but they don’t need to be frequent. Here are a few helpful ways you can reduce tantrums in the future.

Stay consistent with boundaries

Be firm with your child and remind them that bad behavior won’t change the rules. If you decide bedtime is at 8 p.m., stick to this routine. Daily consistency can go a long way in decreasing tantrums, as your child will learn to expect these routines.

Stick to routines

Predictable daily routines give your child something to look forward to without worrying about interrupted playtime and mealtime. Of course, some exceptions may exist, but maintaining stability can help avoid “I’m tired or hungry” meltdowns.

Prepare them for transitions

Transitions can be extremely tough on children, especially when they leave behind the things they love. For example, if you’re leaving your child’s favorite park or ice cream shop to go home, prepare them by saying, “We’re going in five minutes.”

Teach them coping skills

Sometimes, your child might have a tantrum when you aren’t around. Thus, equipping them with the right coping skills can help keep them physically and emotionally safe. For example, you can teach your child square breathing when they need to calm down, and use a feelings thermometer chart to help children identify their emotions.

When to Worry About Toddler Tantrums

Most toddler tantrums are a normal part of growing up, but it’s natural for parents to have concerns. For example, you might want to check with your child’s pediatrician if they have frequent and intense tantrums. Most tantrums won’t go on for longer than ten minutes. If your child is experiencing persistent tantrums, it may be advisable to consult a professional.

Tantrums that escalate into dangerous or self-destructive behavior are also a cause for concern. Parents should seek professional help if they notice their child engaging in risky behaviors like hurting others or holding their breath until they get lightheaded.

Another worrying sign is regression or developmental issues. Studies show that most children outgrow tantrums by age five [*]. If they continue to throw tantrums and exhibit signs of delayed speech and other behavioral problems, it may be best to consult a doctor.

The Bottom Line

Having tantrums doesn’t make a child “bad” or “naughty.” Sometimes, they just need to express their frustration. With the right support, your child can outgrow their tantrums and learn to communicate their feelings.

Looking for other ways to help your child outgrow tantrums? Support them using our coping skills worksheets or feelings worksheets to support emotional development.

FAQs About Toddler Tantrums

How long should I ignore the tantrum?

You should ignore the tantrum for as long as it takes for the child to calm down. Remove your attention from the toddler while the tantrum is happening.

However, if the child is in immediate danger or at risk of hurting themselves, the parent should step in immediately.

Is it okay to walk away during a tantrum?

Yes, briefly walking away is safe during a tantrum, given that your child is in a familiar environment and cannot get hurt.

Should I discipline my toddler for tantrums?

No, you shouldn’t discipline your toddler for having a tantrum because it isn’t a form of misbehavior—it’s a manifestation of frustration. Respond kindly and patiently.

Sources:

1. Sisterhen LL, Ann P. “Temper Tantrums.” Nih.gov, 2023.
2. Einon D & Potegal M. “Aggressive Arousal: The Amygdala Connection.” The Dynamics of Aggression, 2013.
3. Van, Hoffenaar P, Overbeek G. “Temper Tantrums in Toddlers and Preschoolers: Longitudinal Associations with Adjustment Problems.” Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 2022.