Research on Children’s Forgiveness Following Parental Divorce

According to a study published in Family Transitions, forgiveness can play an important role in a child's emotional recovery following parental divorce. Forgiveness has been linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression.

Moreover, the study noted that the capacity for forgiveness varies depending on factors like the child’s age, the level of conflict between parents, and the support system available to the child.

It is normal for children to feel a range of intense emotions during and after a divorce, such as sadness, and even a desire for retaliation. However, if these feelings persist, they can lead to emotional distress and strained relationships with those around them, including their parents.

Understanding the Research

In this paper, van der Wal and colleagues explored how forgiveness helps improve the mental health of children from divorced families. They considered these 3 stages of growing up: late childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

While testing their hypothesis with different groups, the researchers also accounted for other factors that may affect a child’s well-being.

These were the control variables:

1. The characteristics of divorce

• Perceived parental conflict: This is strongly linked to children's well-being in previous studies.
• Time since the divorce: Children’s post-divorce adjustment improves over time.
• Parental contact: When children have ongoing, positive contact with both their father and mother, their ability to forgive strongly impacts their emotional health.

2. Demographic factors

• Age: Forgiveness tendencies increase with age.
• Gender: Divorce impacts girls more negatively in terms of psychological well-being.
• Living situation: Young adults living independently report higher well-being than those living with one of the parents.

These were the findings based on the 4 studies included: :

Study 1: Late Childhood

The study involved 205 children, ages 9-13, from The Netherlands who have divorced parents. It looked at how forgiveness affects their happiness and life satisfaction. The results showed that, for this age group, forgiveness didn't seem to make a difference in their well-being.

Study 2: Adolescents and Young Adults

The study involved 218 teens and young adults (ages 11-24) in a support program for children of divorced parents. Unlike the first study, this group showed that forgiveness was linked to better mental health, and frequent parental conflict had negative effects.

Study 3: Young Adults (Supporting Younger Children)

This study involved 452 young adults (ages 18-27) who were supporting children of divorced parents through the Buddy Program. Compared to the distressed adolescents in Study 2, this group had higher psychological well-being.

Living independently from parents was linked to greater life satisfaction. Moreover, young adults who maintained a relationship with their fathers tended to rate their overall life satisfaction higher compared to those who did not have contact with their fathers.

Study 4: Young Adults (Forgiveness Toward Each Parent Separately)

This study took a closer look by measuring forgiveness separately toward the mother and father, which is important because forgiveness toward one parent might differ from forgiveness toward the other.

Based on the findings, participants who forgave one parent were somewhat likely to forgive the other as well. However, forgiveness levels often differed significantly between the two parents. Those who forgave their mothers were more likely to be happier.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Caregivers

The effects brought about by divorce can make it difficult for children to move past feelings of hurt. However, we can promote forgiveness while helping them adjust to life after a divorce through these strategies:

• Open communication is key. Allow your child to talk about their emotions without feeling afraid of being judged. This open dialogue is an opportunity to understand what they’re going through, explore ways to cope, and a chance to strengthen your relationship.
• Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent. It’s important to show your child that you are working toward healing and moving forward. The best way to teach forgiveness is to model it through your actions. Your tone can affect their emotions, so try to keep it neutral.
• Support their relationship with the other parent. If it’s safe, encourage your child to spend time with their other parent. This helps them feel loved instead of abandoned. For example, let’s say your child wants to call the other parent to share something exciting that happened at school — support them in making that call.
• Seek professional support. If your child is having emotional or behavioral difficulties, consider reaching out to a therapist who has experience working with children who have been through parental divorce.

The study’s authors suggest that future research should look into whether teaching forgiveness skills and providing education about forgiveness could benefit children.

For more resources on forgiveness, download our Managing Stress With Forgiveness Handout and Self-Forgiveness Worksheet.