Research on the Liking Gap in Children: Do They Worry About What Others Think?

An article published in Frontiers for Young Minds explored the liking gap, which happens when people think others like them less than they actually do. This happens because we often focus too much on our own perceived mistakes during conversations.

The first study on the liking gap was conducted with adults, where college students engaged in conversations with strangers. Afterward, they rated how much they liked the other person and how much they thought the other person liked them.

The results showed a consistent liking gap — participants believed they were liked less than they actually were. Surprisingly, this effect persisted for six months.

Further research confirmed that the liking gap exists outside of laboratory settings. In a conversation workshop, college students who were unaware they were part of a study also underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them.

The research shows that many people worry unnecessarily about how others see them in social situations.

Understanding the Research

To study this topic further, the researchers tested children between the ages of 4 and 11. The children played together for five minutes, then answered questions about how much they liked their partner and how much they thought their partner liked them.

The results showed that 4-year-olds did not have a liking gap, but starting at age 5, children began to underestimate how much others liked them. As kids got older, the gap grew, meaning they became more unsure about how others felt about them.

Scientists believe the liking gap happens because, around age 5, children start worrying about what others think of them. They wonder if people like them and want to be their friend. This concern makes them focus on their actions more than on how others react.

Also, when people like someone, they often don’t say it directly. Instead of noticing small positive reactions, like a smile, children might focus on what they think they did wrong.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Caregivers

So, how can parents and caregivers help children overcome the liking gap and build confidence in their social interactions? The good news is that there are simple, thoughtful ways to help kids see themselves more positively. 

Highlight their positive interactions

Children often underestimate how much others enjoy their company. Help them recognize positive social moments by pointing them out. After a playdate, you can tell them, “Did you notice how much they laughed at your joke? They enjoyed talking to you!”

You can also encourage kids to reflect on their social wins by asking, "What was something fun you talked about today?"

Teach perspective-taking

Kids sometimes assume that others are judging them negatively, when in reality, their peers may be too focused on their own thoughts to notice small mistakes.

If they worry about saying something silly, ask them: What would you think if your friend said that? Would you think less of them or just enjoy the conversation? This question lets them realize that others are likely kinder and less critical than they imagine.

Avoid over-reassurance

It’s natural to want to comfort a child who doubts themselves, but constant reassurance can also backfire by making them depend on external validation.

Remember that it can be more powerful to help them understand that it’s okay if not everyone likes them. Instead, encourage them to reflect on times when they felt included or appreciated. This allows them to build a stronger internal sense of self-worth.

Model self-compassion

Children learn a lot from watching how adults handle social interactions. Talk openly about times when you felt nervous or doubted yourself, and how you reminded yourself that people often think more kindly of us than we realize!

The authors are reassuring readers that the “liking gap” is normal and can even be beneficial because it encourages kindness and effort in social interactions.

If you’re looking for more ways to support your child’s social growth, try our Social Skills Worksheets or Character Education Posters.