Helping Kids Deal with Bullies

Bullying is an unfortunate reality that occurs in many schools and social settings. It can leave children emotionally, mentally, and physically wounded, which can impact their well-being in the long run. Helping kids deal with bullying can significantly improve their school lives by keeping them safe, building emotional resilience, and potentially reducing long-term depression.

This article will help parents and caregivers understand the different types of bullying and what they can do to provide support.

What is Bullying?

Bullying is unwanted and aggressive behavior among school-aged children. Bullies enforce a type of power imbalance to assert control over more submissive kids. They repeat this behavior in the form of making threats, engaging in physical violence, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Bullying can take on the following forms:

• Physical: hitting, pushing, tripping, or destruction of personal property
• Verbal: name-calling, mocking, insulting, or using slurs
• Relational: excluding someone from a group, spreading rumors, or intentionally embarrassing someone in front of their friends
• Cyberbullying: sending threatening or abusive messages, posting embarrassing photos or videos online, or spreading false information
• Sexual: touching someone inappropriately, spreading rumors about someone’s sexual orientation, or making inappropriate sexual comments
• Prejudicial: attacking someone’s personal identity, reinforcing discrimination, and being hostile toward someone for their race or beliefs

About half of U.S. teens (53%) worry about online harassment and bullying, with only 6% of them believing it isn’t a problem [*]. In addition, one of five students report being bullied—girls experience bullying more than boys [*].

What Counts as Bullying?

Bullying is not the same as teasing—bullies tease to harm others, while teasing is a socially acceptable way for children to interact. Playful teasing usually involves harmless jokes, whereas verbal bullying can be hurtful or threatening.

Teasing crosses the line into bullying when:

• The teasing becomes incessant.
• It intends to hurt, humiliate, and exclude someone.
• There is an obvious power imbalance, such as an older, bigger kid picking on a younger, smaller one.
• The bullied kid being teased is upset, yet the teasing continues.

Why Do Kids Bully Others?

The specific reasons children bully others may be difficult to pinpoint, but they typically stem from deep-seated trauma. The most common reason kids bully others is to seek attention—they might lack this attention in a family setting and feel neglected. Other reasons children might bully others include: 

• The need to feel popular in school by developing a dominating personality
• Becoming the aggressor after being bullied by someone else
• Bullying from older siblings at home
• Prejudice against physical appearance, religious beliefs, race/ethnicity, disability, or sexual orientation
• Learned behavior from parents, violent media, or aggressive role models
• Low self-esteem or projecting from personal insecurities
• Lack of empathy or poor emotional regulation
• Boredom or lack of consequences for demonstrating similar behavior in other settings

Who is at Risk for Bullying?

Some children are at higher risk of bullying, especially those who are perceived as different. Some of these personal differences might include:

• Physical appearance
• Race or ethnicity
• Gender identity and sexual orientation
• Body weight

Part of these differences include intellectual disabilities. Studies find that adolescents with learning disabilities or behavioral disorders are at a higher risk of experiencing bullying [*].

Another study found that children who were lonely, depressed, or anxious were likelier to be bullied by others [*].

Adverse childhood experiences are also a risk factor, with neighborhood violence, a low socioeconomic status, home conflict, and intergenerational trauma increasing the risk of becoming a bully victim [*].

How Do I Know If My Child is Being Bullied?

Not all children who experience bullying show warning signs. In fact, some might try to hide them if they feel shame or guilt. It’s important to be aware of the warning signs of bullying, especially if your child doesn’t feel comfortable admitting their experiences to you.

Physical signs of bullying include:

• Bruises, cuts, scratches, and other marks
• Torn clothes
• Complaints about headaches, stomachaches, and other physical illnesses
• Loss of appetite
• Sleep troubles
• Bedwetting 

Emotional signs of bullying include:

• Anxiety and nervousness
• Feeling constantly upset, angry, or irritable
• Being withdrawn and secretive
• Losing interest in anything

Children may also demonstrate signs that they are being bullied in school. They might start sitting alone or with teachers during breaks. They might also lose interest in school activities, such as extracurricular clubs or field trips. At home, children may express not wanting to attend school or trying to feign an illness.

How to Help Kids Deal with Bullies

Even when you suspect your child is a victim of bullying, it can feel challenging for them to bring it up to a trusted adult. They might feel ashamed, embarrassed, or that they deserve it. Here are some ways you can support a child dealing with a bully.

Find ways to start the conversation

Some children may refuse to discuss bullying issues for fear of retaliation from the bully. If you suspect your child is hiding these problems, try approaching the topic subtly. For instance, you might reference a bullying incident from a show, film, or other media your child consumes and try to discuss it with them.

These discussions might lead to helpful questions like “Have you seen this happen at school?” or “Have you ever experienced this?”

Teach coping skills

Your child might not confide in you because they don’t know how to cope. In this case, you can teach them coping skills like:

• Walking away from a bully
• Finding firm ways to say no
• Seeking help from a teacher or trusted adult

You can also roleplay scenarios to teach children how to appropriately and safely confront a bully. Teach them to stay calm and confident while using short, assertive responses like “Stop that” and “I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing.” Encourage them to avoid physical confrontation and to seek help from a trusted adult.

Teach your child other ways to cope with bullying through our helpful handout.

Read books about bullying

When children are bullied, they may feel alone. Reading books about bullying can remind them that they can overcome these shared experiences. It can also help kids see different perspectives and understand why bullies behave a certain way toward others.

Reading with your child provides a safe way to discuss bullying and can encourage them to share their experiences or seek help. 

Provide options for professional support

Seeking professional help for your child may be necessary if they’re demonstrating severe anxiety or depression. There are many options for professional help, including school counselors, child psychologists, and support groups.

Not every child will be open to accepting professional help, so it’s important to ease them into the process. Explain that seeking professional help is like visiting a doctor; therapy is a private experience.

Involve your child in the decision-making process. Ask them which counselor they feel would be a good fit and whether they would rather have in-person or online sessions.

When Should Parents Step In?

Parents should step in when the bullying surpasses certain boundaries, such as causing physical or emotional harm. It may also be time to intervene under the following circumstances:

• The bullying becomes repetitive and constant.
• The bullying negatively affects your child’s mental health.
• You notice threats of violence.
• Your child is being harassed and humiliated online.
• The school or authorities become involved.
• Your child expresses fear of going to school or public places.
• Your child becomes socially excluded.
• Your child demonstrates low self-esteem or suicidal thoughts.
• Your child struggled to cope despite practicing different strategies.

The Bottom Line

Dealing with bullying can be challenging for children and teenagers, but a strong support system can make all the difference. As parents, we can help our children feel heard, empowered, and safe by listening actively and developing solutions.

Browse our collection of worksheets to find something to help your child cope and rebuild their confidence.

Sources:

1. Schaeffer K. “9 facts about bullying in the U.S.” Pew Research Center, 2023.
   U.S. Department of Education. “Student Reports of Bullying: Results From the 2022
2. School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey.” Institute of Education Sciences, 2022.
3. Ahmed GK, Metwaly NA, Khaled Elbeh, Galal MS, Shaaban I. “Prevalence of school bullying and its relationship with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder and conduct disorder: a cross-sectional study.” The Egyptian Journal of Neurology Psychiatry and Neurosurgery, 2022.
4. Acquah E. “Adolescent loneliness and social anxiety as predictors of bullying victimisation.” International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 2016.
5. Fraga S, Soares S, Peres FS, Barros H. “Household Dysfunction Is Associated With Bullying Behavior in 10-year-old Children: Do Socioeconomic Circumstances Matter?” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2021.