How to Help a Grieving Child

Grief, whether over the loss of a parent, family member, pet, or friend, isn’t easy—especially for a child. However, knowing how to help a grieving child can be healing for both you and your young one.

Children, in particular, may struggle to understand grief or even be aware of it. While you can’t prevent the pain of a loss, you can help your child comprehend their emotions. This guide will explain what you should know.

Helping Children Deal with Grief

Grieving children express themselves differently. Some may cry, while others may distract themselves through play. Whatever the case, it’s best to provide them with outlets for expressing themselves and discussing their feelings. Here are a few things you can do to create a loving and supportive environment for your grieving child.

Allow your child to talk about their feelings

When children suppress their emotions, they may resurface later, which can be traumatizing. Encourage your grieving child to express themselves and listen attentively. Don’t try to “solve” their problems or tell them to “be strong.” Instead, reassure them that it’s okay to be vulnerable.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings

When a loved one dies, your child may experience new feelings they don’t understand. Validate and affirm that there is no “right” feeling to have after experiencing a death and that what they are going through is normal.

Use clear words to explain death

As a parent, it can be tempting to use euphemisms with a child when explaining death. However, using phrases like, “They went to sleep for a long time,” can be confusing and give children an unrealistic view of death.

Children are highly literal, so you want to be direct [*]. Still, remember to use age-appropriate terms. For example, if you’re speaking to a very young child, you can say, “They won’t come back, but we can remember them.” If you’re speaking with an older child, you can explain death by saying, “When someone dies, their body stops working, and it’s the end of their life. It happens to everyone, but it’s normal to feel angry, confused, or sad.”

Share your own feelings

Sharing how you feel about death can make children feel understood and less alone. When sharing your feelings, use phrases encouraging them to express themselves, like, “I often feel sad or angry when I think about them. It’s quite hard, isn’t it?”

Be truthful, even when it’s complicated. Don’t be afraid to admit to things you can’t predict or understand, such as what happens after death.

Tell your child what to expect

While grief is an individual process, giving your child an idea of what to expect can soften the blow of complex feelings. Discuss what they can expect emotionally—they might feel better, then suddenly feel sad again, which is normal.

Talk about physical reactions as well. Grief can be overwhelming and manifest physically in ways like feeling nauseous, losing appetite, or having trouble sleeping [*].

Encourage your child to participate in memorial rituals

Memorializing your loved one is an excellent way to honor their life. When planning a memorial, explain to your child why this is important—they are ways to celebrate how much you love the person.

Involve them in planning and let them decide what to do. They might want to light a candle, pray, or write a letter. Encourage their creative expression.

Help your child remember the loved one

Memorial rituals are incredibly meaningful, though some children may prefer to grieve alone or in other ways. Helping a child remember their loved ones can provide significant comfort and help them process complicated feelings.

Try creating a memory box filled with photos, a piece of jewelry, or other items that once belonged to your loved one. Your child can use this box as a personal keepsake and look through it to remember their loved one.

You can also help them make a scrapbook or celebrate special days like your loved one’s birthday by baking a cake, planting their favorite flowers in their memory, or writing a poem.

Engaging in grief activities for every stage of the process, such as anger and bargaining, can help them feel more in touch with their emotions and understand their experiences. For instance, a child in the denial stage might create a memory box of their lost loved one, as feelings may still be fresh. When they reach the acceptance stage, they might engage in a service project in honor of their loved one.

Offer reassurance

When children experience grief, they may worry that things will not get better. Thus, offering reassurance can make them feel safe, heard, and less fearful of the future. Let your child know their feelings are normal, and provide physical comfort if they are amicable.

Another excellent way to provide reassurance is to practice positive affirmations. For example, remind your child, “Even though what you’re feeling may be scary, you are loved, and I am always here for you.”

Read books about loss

Reading is an effective tool for helping children manage grief. It normalizes their feelings and provides a safe space to explore them. Stories about loss can remind children that grief is natural and that everyone experiences it.

Books about grief also gently reassure children that things will get better with time. They help simplify complex aspects of grief through age-appropriate language and by explaining permanence in ways children can understand.

Spend extra time with your child

Being patient and present with your child removes the pressure of “going back to normal” as quickly as possible. Children should know that there is no timeline to grief and that they may experience it in waves.

Spending more time with your child may encourage them to open up and allow them to seek immediate comfort when necessary. You can focus on quality time by involving them in routines, which are important to keep even after the death of a loved one.

When to Seek Professional Help

Grief is normal, but if your child remains unusually upset and stressed over an abnormal period, it may be time to seek professional help. A child struggling with their grief more than usual may manifest their anxiety through:

• Persistent and immense emotional distress
• Behavioral changes like aggression, defiance, or withdrawal from social groups
• Significant drops in academic performance and a lack of desire to go to school
• Expressions of self-harm or suicidal thoughts
• Significant physical changes like constant sleep troubles or weight loss/gain
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms like significant screen time or substance use
• Inability to move on and feeling stuck in the past

The Bottom Line

It can be challenging to process grief with a child, but being present, listening actively, and reading about it can make going through the motions less daunting.

Use our grief worksheets to help your child understand their emotions during difficult times.

Sources:

1. Bugge K. “Young Children’s Grief: Parents’ Understanding and Coping.” Death Studies, 2012.
2. Marike Lancel, Stroebe M, Eisma MC. “Sleep disturbances in bereavement: A systematic review.” Sleep Medicine Reviews, 2020.