What is Conscious Parenting?

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs anybody can do. Every day brings a new challenge, especially if your child has specific needs or physical, developmental, or emotional problems. Choosing the right parenting style or philosophy for you and your family can help make the whole experience go more smoothly. One method called conscious parenting has been gaining attention, but what is it exactly? Here, we’ll break down its philosophy, discuss its advantages and disadvantages, and talk about how to implement it.

What is Conscious Parenting?

Conscious parenting focuses on a parent’s understanding of their own belief systems, emotions, and triggers and how these factors influence their relationship with their children. It is also about being fully present in the moment, requiring parents to raise their children with mindfulness, compassion, and authenticity.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary introduced this concept in her book, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children. She writes about how a person’s childhood affects their understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. By tuning into their own childhood triggers and traumas, parents are more able to respond to their children’s behaviors thoughtfully and intentionally.

What are the Key Elements of Conscious Parenting?

Several characteristics make conscious parenting a unique parenting approach. Here are the key elements of conscious parenting:

• Parents view their children as whole individuals
• Parents must establish a relationship with their child, keeping in mind that each child is unique with their own wants and needs
• Parents must step away from their own egos and desires
• Parents must avoid forcing behavior on children, focusing instead on expectations and language
• Parents employ positive reinforcement and establish boundaries ahead of time to avoid reacting to problems with punishment
• Parents are mindful, understanding what led up to a behavioral issue instead of just problem-solving all the time
• Parents should avoid simply making their children “happy” but instead encourage them to grow and develop
• Parents should be present and engage in each situation
• Parents should remember that children can teach them just as much as they teach their children

What are Examples of Conscious Parenting?

Let's say a child is having a tantrum because they can't have a cookie before dinner. Instead of yelling or giving in, a conscious parent might do the following:

• Acknowledge their feelings: "I can see you're really upset about not having a cookie. It sounds like you're feeling frustrated."
• Validate their emotions: "It's okay to feel frustrated when you can't have something you want."
• Set boundaries: "I understand you want the cookie, but we have a rule about eating before dinner. Let's talk about what we can do to help you feel better until dinnertime."
• Offer alternatives: "Would you like to play a game or draw a picture while we wait for dinner?"

Another example might look like this: a parent takes away their child’s tablet because they threw a tantrum about having to get ready for school on time. A conscious parent might:

• Acknowledge their feelings: "I know you’re upset about me taking the tablet away from you since you have to get ready for school on time.”
• Validate their emotions: "It's okay to feel frustrated about needing to prepare for school.”
• Set boundaries: "I understand you want the tablet, but you need to get ready for school first. Let’s talk about how we can get you ready for school first, and then you can use the rest of your free time on the tablet.”

By doing this in a calm and respectful manner, parents are teaching their children healthy emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. This approach fosters a strong parent-child relationship and helps the child develop a sense of emotional intelligence.

Such an approach can be extremely useful when parenting an angry child who often has outbursts.

What are the Benefits of Conscious Parenting?

Conscious parenting has several benefits. These include the following:

• Developing a strong emotional bond between parent and child
• Positive behavior outcomes
• Better emotional regulation skills
• Improved communication skills
• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Increased empathy and compassion

These benefits can be especially helpful for children with specific needs, such as when parenting an anxious or highly sensitive child.

How to Become a Conscious Parent

Becoming a conscious parent takes work, but it is not impossible to achieve. Here are tips for conscious parenting that can help you.

Do the inner work

Conscious parenting requires dealing with your own emotional baggage and parenting yourself first. As you reflect, you’ll become more aware of your patterns and how they affect your parenting style. If you need to, working with a mental health professional or a parenting coach can help you achieve this.

Talk to your children

The next time your child misbehaves or does something wrong, pause before punishing them. Instead, ask them to explain what happened. This will allow them to feel more heard and understood, and it may prevent the same behavior from happening again.

Practice acceptance

Parenting is unpredictable and messy. Accept that your children are unique individuals who you may not see eye-to-eye with all the time, but you can love them no matter what. Accept that things may not be perfect, yet there are many things to be grateful for.

Set clear boundaries

Conscious parents communicate what is acceptable and why and enforce boundaries when children violate them. Part of being a conscious parent is being clear about what is okay, what isn’t, and why. This will reduce the likelihood of behavioral problems and minimize signs that your child doesn’t respect you.

What are the Downsides of Conscious Parenting?

While conscious parenting has its benefits, there are also a few downsides to consider.

• Can be challenging to reason with younger children
• Requires plenty of work and a high level of self-awareness from the parent
• There is a potential for inconsistency in the face of stressful or challenging situations
• Time-consuming
• Requires a supportive partner and community

Determining whether conscious parenting is right for you and your family will depend on your assessment of the benefits and downsides and how it meets your needs and preferences.

Conscious Parenting vs. Other Parenting Styles

There are some distinct differences between conscious parenting and other parenting styles, and each parenting style has an impact on a child’s development [*].

Conscious Parenting vs. Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents are considered both demanding and supportive. While they are very loving and gentle parents, they still have high expectations for their kids.

Conscious Parenting vs. Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parents are extremely demanding and set strict rules and boundaries that are to be obeyed without question by their children. These parents aren’t as emotionally open, but they are very involved in their children’s lives as they exert plenty of control over their kids’ behaviors.

Conscious Parenting vs. Mindful Parenting

Mindful parenting is very similar to conscious parenting. It emphasizes “bringing moment-to-moment awareness to the parent-child relationship [*].” It also involves paying attention to your own thoughts and feelings, practicing active listening, and responding to your child with compassion and understanding.

Conscious Parenting vs. Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting is a very specific type of parenting that entails responding to your baby’s needs through physical touch and emotional closeness, especially in the first few years of life.

The Bottom Line

Understanding your own needs, strengths, and shortcomings is essential to conscious parenting. It will allow you to relate to your children more effectively and lovingly.

This parenting style can help you create a nurturing and supportive environment for your child's growth and development. Do keep in mind that conscious parenting is a journey, and there may be challenges along the way. Be patient with yourself and your child as you learn and grow together.

While on your conscious parenting journey feel free to explore our collection of digital worksheets and handouts to support the social-emotional development of your child.

References:

1. Lanjekar P, Joshi S, Lanjekar P. The Effect of Parenting and the Parent-Child Relationship on a Child's Cognitive Development: A Literature Review. 22 October 2022.
2. Duncan L, Coatsworth J, Greenberg M. A Model of Mindful Parenting: Implications for Parent–Child Relationships and Prevention Research. 2 May 2009.