What is Co-Parenting? Types, Pros & Cons, and Tips

The aftermath of a separation is always difficult for former spouses or partners to come to terms with. It is especially challenging when deciding how to parent children moving forward. For some couples, many aspects of child-rearing remain the same after the separation, and co-parenting becomes the usual arrangement. But what exactly is co-parenting, and how can it help families following a divorce? Here, we’ll examine the different types of co-parenting, list the pros and cons, and take a look at some tips in applying it to daily family life.

What is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is a parenting style in which divorced or separated parents continue raising their children together even after they have parted ways as a couple. It is “the practice by which parents coordinate their child-rearing practices [*].” Rather than going to court to gain full custody of the children, co-parents continue to work together amidst the separation to decide what is best for their kids.

Types of Co-Parenting

There are three major types of co-parenting relationships.

• Cooperative Co-Parenting. In this arrangement, both parents work together to make decisions about raising their children. It includes communicating regularly, ensuring children spend quality time with both parents, and sharing information about the child’s needs. It also involves a level of mindful parenting, which is all about being in the moment with your child and treating them with acceptance and compassion.
• Conflicted Co-Parenting. In this arrangement, parents have poor communication practices and frequent conflicts with each other. They may differ in parenting styles, schedules, rules, and priorities. They may not reach agreements about their child’s upbringing, needs, or daily routine.
• Parallel Co-Parenting. In this arrangement, parents operate independently and engage in as little communication and interaction with each other as possible. They may have different parenting rules and household routines, which can sometimes lead to inconsistencies in their children’s lives.

Co-Parenting Benefits for Your Child

Co-parenting has several benefits. These include the following:

• Reduced stress
• Stability for children
• Improved relationship between parents and children
• Improved communication between parents and children
• Reduced conflict
• Consistency and routine
• Ensure that both parents’ needs are met
• Increased sense of security for children
• Shared parenting responsibilities
• Focusing on the needs of children

Studies have also shown that co-parents who exhibit positively consistent behavior (i.e., having high positive and low negative parenting behaviors) have children who report high levels of academic self-efficacy [*].

Co-parenting interventions have also been shown to reduce parenting stress and are beneficial for after-divorce services in some countries [*].

Co-Parenting Pros & Cons

Although co-parenting has a number of benefits, it does have its advantages and disadvantages as well. Here are the pros and cons of co-parenting.

Pros

• Stability. Children in a cooperative co-parenting set-up are more likely to experience consistency across communication, expectations, and schedules. This allows them to feel more safe, secure, and stable. This approach may help children with specific needs alongside tips for parenting an anxious child.
• Conflict resolution. A healthy co-parenting arrangement will provide children with opportunities to learn by example. They can figure out how relationships can be cooperative and supportive and learn about healthy conflict resolution. Children will also learn how to get along with others even during less-than-ideal situations.
• Reduced likelihood of parentification. A divorce can result in the parentification of children, which is when children assume developmentally inappropriate adult-like roles and responsibilities [*] — in this case, providing emotional support for their parents amidst the separation. A good co-parenting setup will spare children from such emotional stress.

Cons

• Disputes. Not all co-parenting arrangements will lead to healthy conflict resolution. Sometimes, parents’ conflicting views may make it difficult for kids to cope, especially if it has to do with major life decisions. Children may end up having to make complicated choices, which can potentially traumatize them and make them angry and resentful. In such cases, it will be useful to have rules for parenting an angry child.
• Conflicting schedules. Co-parents with different schedules may find it difficult to adjust to their ex-partner’s schedules. This may cause confusion and stress among co-parents and their children as well.
• Co-parenting may not be healthy or possible for everyone. Co-parenting is ideal for many families, but it may not be possible or healthy for others. For instance, co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner may only make things worse for you and your children. This can also be the case with a disrespectful ex-spouse with whom you always have conflict. In such cases, an individual parenting plan might be more feasible.

Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is not without its challenges. Here are some tips on successful co-parenting.

Maintain effective communication

Communicate with your ex-partner directly in a way that suits both your needs, whether that’s through call, text, email, or instant messaging. Do not use your children as go-betweens or messengers to communicate with each other; this can stress them out, especially if they have specific needs, as highly sensitive children do. Remember that part of effective communication is ensuring that what you say is received the way you intended it, so try to be as clear and concise as possible.

Have realistic expectations

Learn to be more realistic and flexible with your expectations, particularly when your children are with your ex-partner. They may not follow the same rules or spend time the way you expect with the other parent, and that’s okay. It’s fine to have your own co-parenting rules, but do expect that they will only apply when your children are with you.

Be willing to compromise and be flexible

Compromise can go a long way in ensuring smooth and cooperative parenting. This may look like agreeing to let children stay with the other parent for a few days longer or sitting down together for a civilized family lunch. Being flexible and compromising is the key to successful co-parenting.

Have a routine

During and after a separation, your child’s normal routines will likely be disrupted. It will help if you and your partner can create a new normal for yourselves and your kids, including setting up a new routine that everyone can agree to. This may include setting up a common calendar or ensuring that the family spends time together every once in a while.

Help your child feel in control

Children who feel that their lives are spinning out of control in the aftermath of their parents’ divorce may act out and have behavioral problems. Watching out for signs your child doesn’t respect you can help, but so does creating ways for your children to feel in control. This may look like giving them options, such as asking them what they want for dinner (within reason) or if there’s anything they’d like to do in particular during the weekend.

These co-parenting tips are suggestions you can follow to make your co-parenting approach easier to implement. Some may not apply to you while others do; it is up to you and your ex-partner to figure out what works best.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are some commonly asked questions about co-parenting.

Should co-parents spend time together?

It really depends on the type of co-parenting being implemented and what the family feels comfortable with. Some co-parents may feel that spending time together is important in staying united, especially for the children. Other co-parents may prefer to spend as little time as possible. How to co-parent is ultimately up to the family.

What is the difference between co-parenting and joint custody?

Joint custody and co-parenting are often used interchangeably, but they are actually not the same thing. Joint custody is a legal term that refers to how parents will decide on their children’s education, healthcare, and welfare; essentially, it divides the legal responsibilities between two parents.

Co-parenting, on the other hand, describes a parenting style based on the relationship of the two ex-spouses. It involves raising their children in two separate households while establishing respect for each other as former partners.

How can you protect children from conflict in co-parenting?

Conflict in co-parenting can happen, but in such situations, the welfare of children must always be protected. The best way to protect your child is by never fighting in front of them, even if they cannot understand your words yet. A conflict-free separation is essential to ensure the best well-being outcomes for your children. Children should never have to feel caught in between the middle of their parents.

The Bottom Line

Co-parenting is a joint effort between you and your ex-partner, which can make it very challenging to accomplish. But successful co-parenting is possible. It may take some time and a few changes to accomplish, but you can definitely maintain a healthy co-parent relationship and avoid the negative effects on your children. At the end of the day, it is about preserving the well-being of your children, so investing in being patient, communicating, and being open to compromise can help tremendously.

If you need extra help with your co-parenting approach, consider reading some of the best parenting books written by experts.

References:

1. American Psychological Association. Coparenting. 19 April 2018.
2. Kara D & Sümer N. The Role of Paternal Parenting and Co-parenting Quality in Children’s Academic Self-Efficacy. 21 March 2022.
3. Gholami Jam F, Maarefvand M, Hosseinzadeh S, et al. The effectiveness of a co-parenting intervention on parenting stress among divorced Iranian adults. November 2021.
4. Dariotis J, Chen F, Park Y, et al. Parentification Vulnerability, Reactivity, Resilience, and Thriving: A Mixed Methods Systematic Literature Review. 21 June 2023.