What is Parallel Parenting? Benefits, Examples, and Tips

Parting ways as a couple is always painful and difficult, even more so when you have children together. You may suddenly find yourself deciding how to parent your kids amidst the challenges of the divorce, which can be a tough process for all involved. There are different approaches to parenting in these arduous times, and here, we’ll explore the benefits, examples, and tips for parallel parenting. Read on to learn more about this parenting technique so you can decide if it suits you and your family’s needs.

What is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is a parenting approach commonly used by divorced or separated parents experiencing conflict. It involves reducing the need for contact between former spouses or partners while allowing for greater independence and autonomy in making childcare decisions.

Parents who use this method typically keep their interactions at a minimum while independently parenting their children when they have custody. This can be a long-term approach or a way to transition into more cooperative parenting approaches in the future.

How Does Parallel Parenting Differ from Co-Parenting?

It’s important to recognize that co-parenting can fall into one of three categories: conflicted co-parenting, cooperative co-parenting, and parallel co-parenting. Since parallel parenting is a type of co-parenting, the two are sometimes used interchangeably, but there are some differences between them. Here is what differentiates co-parenting vs. parallel parenting:

Co-parenting, usually cooperative co-parenting, is a type of shared parenting in which former spouses work together to parent their children. Rules are typically similar in both homes, and parents are mostly united and openly communicate with each other for the benefit of the children. Parents may both attend their children's extracurricular activities and school events and be present in family gatherings.

In parallel parenting, former partners are more detached from one another. Each parent is assigned certain responsibilities, and they carry out their duties without involving the other parent. They typically do not come into contact with each other, so school events and family get-togethers are split between each parent. Parallel parenting rules and the exact details of how parents will divide their responsibilities depend on their parenting plan. The goal is to parent the children while reducing the time they spend with each other.

When is Parallel Parenting Appropriate?

Parallel parenting is most appropriate when parents are unable to repair their relationship and are likely to involve the children in their conflicts. If parents frequently argue or are in conflict with each other, parallel parenting may be beneficial for children. Parallel parenting can also be helpful when parenting children with specific needs, such as a highly sensitive child, who may be more susceptible to the negative effects of parental conflict.

What are the Benefits of Parallel Parenting?

There are several benefits of parallel parenting. They include the following:

• Reduced stress for both parents and children
• Fewer behavioral problems for children
• Reduced exposure to conflict for children
• Fewer emotional problems for children
• Children can maintain relationships with both parents
• Parents have more autonomy in making decisions
• Higher self-esteem for kids
• Schedules and guidelines have structure, making logistics easier
• Parents can avoid direct communication, which may be easier for them
• Improved school performance for children
• Overall better family relationships

What are Examples of Parallel Parenting?

To better illustrate this type of parenting, here are a few parallel parenting examples.

• Attending events. Parents may choose not to attend events in their children’s lives together. They can have an arrangement where only one parent attends each event, whether it be for school or during family gatherings.
• Assigning certain areas. In parallel parenting, it is common to see parents assigned to different areas of a child’s life. One parent may be the primary guardian for school concerns, while the other may be in charge of activities outside of school.
• Household rules. Each parent may set their own house rules for their children. For instance, a parent may be liberal with screen time for their kids while the other implements stricter rules for using devices in their home.
• Daily parenting duties. Parents go about their daily parenting duties without consulting their former partner or spouse.

What are the Challenges of Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting has benefits, but it is not without its challenges. Let’s take a look at some of them.

One drawback of parallel parenting is that children may have to adjust to two different parenting styles. Each parent may have different expectations regarding rules, bedtimes, or even chores. While some children can adapt easily, others may develop behavioral or emotional problems from constantly switching between different home environments. These problems may manifest as signs that your child doesn’t respect you or emerge in other ways.

There is also a potential for conflict between parents, even if they remain apart. This can happen if they hold on to negative feelings toward each other. Such feelings may get in the way of providing for their children’s needs. Even if the parents are not explicitly arguing or fighting with each other, children are still exposed to conflict when parents exhibit behaviors that express their contempt for their former spouse. Children are very sensitive when noticing such behaviors, and this can affect them negatively [*]. For some, it may lead to resentment or even parents needing to parent an angry child.

How to Create a Parallel Parenting Plan

If you decide to do parallel parenting with your former partner, then it may be best to develop your plans during the divorce proceedings or separation. These plans should outline a list of clear and implementable guidelines for each parent to follow and cover a comprehensive list of topics.

Consider including the following in your parallel parenting plan:

• A schedule outlining the time spent with each parent, including weekends, holidays, and special occasions
• Daily routines
• Financial obligations
• Educational responsibilities
• Healthcare decisions
• Communication guidelines
• Rules for handling emergency situations
• How to manage schedule changes, delays, and cancellations
• List of custodial exchanges (i.e., pick-ups and drop-offs)

It may also be helpful to have a clause in your separation agreement requiring periodic reviews of the plan. This will make it easier to adapt to changing circumstances and your child’s developing needs. Parents may also agree to make the parallel parenting plan legally enforceable to ensure fairness and prevent violations of the agreement.

Ultimately, when you draft your parallel parenting plan with your former spouse, it is essential to prioritize your children’s well-being. While research shows that divorce can protect children from the issues of marital dissolution [*], it is still important to make the transition of the separation as pain-free as possible. Do check in with your children regularly about their thoughts and emotions relative to the parallel parenting set-up, and don’t be afraid to seek help if needed.

Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

Just like any parenting style, parallel parenting can be challenging to implement. Here are some tips for successful parallel parenting:

• Make sure every agreement with your ex-partner is in writing
• Be very specific with each stipulation of your agreement
• Communicate as little as possible; keep records of all communication
• Plan changeovers in advance to avoid conflict
• Have a clear set of communication and decision-making rules
• Maintain separate school obligations
• Do not respond to intimidation or harassment
• Ensure that communication focuses on the logistics of caring for your children
• Learn to let go of what happens during your ex-partner’s parenting time

Following these tips may make it easier to adjust to parallel parenting, especially in the beginning.

The Bottom Line

While parallel parenting is a challenging strategy for families to adopt, it can be an effective approach for navigating the complexities of post-separation life. It gives you a structured framework for reducing conflict while prioritizing your children’s well-being. This can be extremely helpful, especially in more complex situations, such as parenting an anxious child.

Understanding parallel parenting will allow you to make the best and most informed decisions about whether it is right for you and your children.
Feel free to check out our extensive collection of worksheets to support the social emotional development and mental health of your child.

References:

1. Rahman Z, Zaid R, Israr M, et al. Psychosocial Effect of Parental Conflicts on Youngsters’ Behavior Growth. March 2023.
2. Amato P, Kane J, Spencer J. Reconsidering the “Good Divorce.” 1 December 2012.