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Children aren’t born knowing how to manage and understand their emotions. They lack the tools to navigate frustration, disappointment, hurt, and overwhelm. Building emotional intelligence in kids takes time. It grows through personal experiences with siblings and peers, and guidance from caring adults.
Each day, we see our kids learning. They feel intense frustration over emotional setbacks. They have sudden meltdowns when things don’t go their way. They struggle to express themselves verbally. Your child may struggle at times, but these moments are chances to teach them about emotional intelligence.
In this article, we’ll look at 9 ways for building emotional intelligence in kids. These methods can make a real difference in everyday life.
Kids often struggle to link their physical feelings with their emotional experiences. When their chests tighten or their hearts race, they don’t always think they are anxious or nervous.
You can teach your child to recognize their emotions by “playing detective.” Ask them to pay attention to internal cues. If they feel butterflies in their stomach and have jitters, they might be anxious. If they ball their hands into fists and their face feels hot, they might be feeling angry.
Help your child link their thoughts and actions to feelings. Ask what their brain is telling them. Is it saying, “I’m scared I’ll mess up” or “No one likes me”? These thoughts can send a “message” to your child that they might be feeling worried or rejected.
Most children can only use simple words to describe how they’re feeling. Vague terms like “mad” or “sad” can make it hard to identify what your child is feeling. Teaching kids specific feeling words can help them communicate more intentionally.
Instead of having a meltdown, your child can tell you, “I’m overwhelmed by the noisy crowd.” Instead of becoming withdrawn, your child can say, “I’m nervous about going to summer camp tomorrow."
You can expand your child’s emotional vocabulary by introducing more nuanced words. Our feelings wheel poster breaks core emotional categories down into specific words. You can mount these posters in accessible locations, such as on the fridge or in your child’s bedroom. In daily check-ins or tough moments, ask your child to point to a word that best describes how they feel.
Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel seen and heard before you solve the problem. It tells them that you understand why they’re feeling that way. It also builds trust between parents and kids. It also reminds them that they are safe.
Instead of telling your child, “Don’t be upset,” try saying, “I see that you’re disappointed. You were looking forward to that playdate.”
When a tough situation arises, remember these three steps:
Naming emotions is a healthy first step for a child developing emotional intelligence. The next step is understanding why they feel that way.
Helping your child grasp their emotions is like a game of connect-the-dots. The first dot is figuring out what happened. Understanding the situation helps your child identify the trigger.
The second dot is what they were thinking. Was your child afraid? Worried?
The third dot is the physical response. Knowing how the body reacts builds your child’s somatic awareness.
Finally, the fourth dot is putting everything together. Your child can recognize the full pattern. “When my friend didn’t want to play with me, I thought they didn’t like me anymore. My chest felt tight, which made me feel sad.”
One way to guide children through this process is to have them reflect on what they are feeling, what may have caused it, and what they can do to feel better. Our reflection worksheet follows these steps by asking children to identify their feelings and think of ways to cope.
When parents name their feelings and stay calm, kids learn to express emotions well. Modeling these feelings teaches your child that tough emotions are normal. Everyone experiences them.
A simple way to model healthy emotional expression is to name the feeling out loud. “I’m frustrated because I don’t have much time to finish this presentation. I’ll take a short break to take a few deep breaths.”
If you snap or lash out, don’t panic. Show them that you can repair after a tough moment. Say, “I was really upset, so I threw my bag out of anger. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Children should know that all feelings are normal, but not all actions are acceptable. In a developing brain, feeling angry or frustrated is like hitting someone or throwing something.
Teaching children that feelings and actions are different involves validating and limiting. It’s okay to feel this emotion, but it isn’t okay to take this action.
However, when children feel big emotions, the physical tension will need an outlet. You can find safe ways to release strong energy. Try yelling into a pillow, squeezing a stress ball, or ripping up paper.
After your child can recognize their feelings and know their source, the next step is to learn how to manage them. The goal of emotional regulation is to help children adapt and respond in a healthy way.
Different situations need different responses. For example:
Remember, the goal isn’t to get your child to stop what they’re feeling. The goal is to help them cope. Many of our worksheets provide avenues for children to face difficult emotions.
Coping statements can also give children simple, encouraging words to use when they feel overwhelmed. The coping statements for anxiety worksheet lets children discover coping statements they can use and add their own, which can encourage them to think about the words that help them feel more at ease.
Using media your child loves is an easy way to build emotional intelligence. Kids can watch how characters behave and share their feelings. They don’t feel embarrassed or judged while doing this.
You can make story or TV time interactive. This helps your child build empathy. First, spot the emotion. Ask your child how the character feels. Look at their body language, words, and facial expressions together. Then, ask, “Why do you think they feel that way?” Finally, explore solutions. What can they do to solve the problem?
Children can’t learn when they’re overwhelmed. Practicing emotional skills during your child’s meltdown is like teaching someone to swim while they’re drowning. When kids feel overwhelmed, their prefrontal cortex shuts down. This part of the brain helps with reasoning and learning. [*].
Emotional skills need practice when children are calm. Find opportunities to practice these skills daily. For example, you can introduce calming exercises as part of your child’s daily routine. You can practice movement mindfulness during homework breaks. You can also use it while doing chores or by acting out “what if” scenarios during playtime.
Building emotional intelligence is something that happens every day. With every tough boundary, sudden meltdown, and conversation comes an opportunity to become more resilient.
You can help build your child’s emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills with our collection of feelings worksheets and coping skills worksheets.
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