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Many parents come to me because their children have emotions that are too big and difficult to handle. The reality is, children don’t have the innate ability to process heartbreak, disappointment, and anger the way adults do. That’s why I talk with parents about emotion coaching.
When strong emotions hit, children can quickly become overwhelmed. Their bodies respond to stress, while their brains aren’t developed enough to help them self-regulate. Through emotion coaching, parents can co-regulate with their children and help them make sense of this unfamiliar avalanche of emotions.
In this guide, I’ll discuss what emotion coaching is and how you can apply this helpful process with your child.
Emotion coaching is a practice proposed by psychologist John Gottman that aims to help children cope with intense emotions. I often introduce emotion coaching to parents as a way to increase their child’s emotional awareness, validate their feelings, and find ways to cope with difficult circumstances.
Instead of dismissing intense feelings, emotion coaching puts parents in a position to help their child ride the wave of emotions and help them understand what they feel.
Its fundamentals are based on the interconnectedness of emotions, behavior, and emotional regulation. Children will rarely act out randomly. When a trigger or internal thought sparks an emotion, unregulated feelings can cause immediate behavioral responses.
When parents validate their child’s feelings through emotion coaching, they are not approving of the behavior. Instead, they are setting aside any judgment and making an active effort to understand why their child feels a certain way.
Validation allows you to acknowledge your child’s inner reality without condoning bad behaviors or allowing them to be harmful towards themselves and others. Over time, emotion coaching can significantly reduce behavioral problems [*].
Practicing emotion coaching connects parents and children and allows you to be a good role model. Instead of engaging in reactive discipline or punishing your child for their symptoms, you can address the root cause.
Emotion coaching helps children become more emotionally aware and equips them with the skills to self-regulate [*]. It teaches them to identify their emotions accurately and express themselves more thoroughly. Simply naming the experience can make the situation less threatening for a child and turn big, scary feelings into a concrete concept. I like to refer to this as the “name it to tame it” method.
Validating your child’s feelings through emotion coaching helps build their emotional awareness. Instead of brushing them off by telling them they’re fine, parents should encourage their children to trust internal signals and understand that no feelings are “bad” or “wrong.”
Emotion coaching also expands a child’s emotional vocabulary. It doesn’t limit them to “mad” or sad.” They can more accurately express whether they are frustrated, disappointed, or betrayed.
From here, children can begin to problem-solve. For example, if your child is frustrated that they dropped their glass of water, you can help them go through the process by saying, “I understand you’re frustrated; it’s okay to feel that way. Would you like me to help you get a new glass?”
As children become more self-aware and self-regulated, they also become more empathetic and improve their socio-emotional skills [*]. When they can identify and accept their own emotions, they can also do the same for others. They can better understand their friends’ perspectives and resolve conflicts with more grace and patience.
Emotion coaching is a multi-step process with the goal of getting your child to be able to identify and address intense feelings. Here’s how it works.
Listen actively to how your child is expressing themselves and observe their reactions. Pay attention to their body language without reacting too quickly.
Suppose your child returns from school. They throw their backpack on the ground, cross their arms, and scowl. You might assume something awful happened in class and observe that they look hurt.
Understand that your child is having a hard time and not acting out of defiance. If they’ve stormed off into the living room after getting home, they aren’t trying to be disrespectful to you. They’re probably trying to deal with very intense emotions.
Give them a few minutes, then try sitting down with them. If they seem amicable, you can offer physical comfort or ask if they would like to share what happened.
Listen to what your child has to say without judging or dismissing their emotions. Don’t interrupt them or offer immediate solutions—just listen. Your goal is to communicate to your child that you understand and empathize with their experience.
Let’s say your child is upset because a friend didn’t invite them to play during recess. Avoid telling them to “get over it.” Instead, tell them, “I see why that was really upsetting. You’ve always been great friends, and I’m sure you were really looking forward to spending recess together.”
Once your child has opened up, help them name their emotions by expressing what you’ve observed. You might tell them, “I can see you look hurt or upset. I would also feel that way if a friend let me down.” A helpful tool for labeling emotions is our feelings wheel.
When your child is able to name their emotions, they will no longer feel the need to “act out” to express themselves. They can point out exactly what feels wrong and better communicate what they need from you.
Labeling emotions also creates distance between your child and the emotion itself. It reminds them that the emotion cannot control them, is not a permanent identity, and that they can choose how to react.
Remind your child that while all emotions are valid and acceptable, not every behavior is. For example, if your child yells at you while talking about what happened, firmly but calmly let them know that conversations should always be respectful.
You might say, “I understand you’re very upset. But remember to always use respectful language when talking to someone.” When your child is calm, you can start brainstorming solutions together—but don’t fix the problem on their behalf.
Invite your child to offer solutions by asking open-ended questions. For example, you might ask, “What did the incident make you feel in the moment? How can you explain to your friend what you felt when they didn’t invite you to play?”
As parents, it can be difficult to watch our children struggle with big emotions. Equipping them with the right tools to regulate and problem-solve can make them more empathetic and self-reliant.
Our collection of printable feelings and emotions worksheets provides helpful tips and activities for children learning how to express themselves in a healthy way.
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