School Anxiety and Refusal in Children – What Parents Can Do

Many children get first-day jitters when school rolls around, but for children with extreme school anxiety, the distress doesn’t go away. This anxiety is called school refusal, and it affects between 2% and 5% of all school-aged children [*].

Failing to address school refusal can significantly impact a child’s ability to learn and socialize. This article will help you better understand what school refusal looks like, why it happens, and what you can do to make learning more palatable for your child.

Why Do Some Kids Feel Anxious About School?

There are many reasons why a child might refuse to go to school. Some of these reasons are normal, but others may be a bit more extreme. Here are some common reasons behind a child’s school anxiety:

• Peer pressure, a fear of not fitting in, or bullying
• Low academic results or learning challenges
• Extreme academic pressure
• Problems with a specific teacher
• Separation anxiety
• Stressful life events, such as a divorce or death in the family
• Fear of something bad happening
• Struggling with a mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression

What School Anxiety Looks Like in Children

For children with school anxiety, getting them onto campus can feel like a battle. Besides crying and occasionally screaming, here’s how school anxiety might manifest:

• Physical symptoms: stomachaches, nausea, headaches, or feigning illness to avoid going to school
• Emotional symptoms: throwing tantrums, feeling depressed, panicking
• Cognitive symptoms: persistent worrying, inability to concentrate, extreme fear of underperformance [*]
• Avoidance behaviors: locking themselves in their room, refusing to get out of the car, going to the nurse to get out of class

How to Help a Child with School Anxiety

Supporting a child with school anxiety is a team effort between parents and school staff. It may take some time to find strategies that work, but here are a few that can get you started.

Find out what your child is anxious about

When your child experiences school anxiety, it’s not just because they “don’t want to go to school.” There’s often a more serious underlying issue.

Encourage them to talk about what’s making them anxious without judgment. Maybe they had a falling out with a friend or are having trouble with a teacher.

If you have a younger child, answering the question “what’s going on at school?” can feel like a huge task. The reason why they’re anxious might not be immediately obvious.

Use tools like an anxiety iceberg to help your child articulate what is making them so worried. An anxiety iceberg can help your child identify what they’re feeling on the surface and reveal deeper issues.

Acknowledge their feelings

Some parents will try to get their anxious child to go to school by saying things like “It’s not that bad,” and “I had to do it, so you should too.” What this does is minimize your child’s anxiety instead of helping them become more confident.

When your child tells you they don’t want to go to school because they’re sad or afraid, let them know you understand. At the same time, remind them of how it’s important to work through their fears.

For example, if your child is anxious about their first day of school, tell them, “I know it’s new and scary because you’re entering middle school, but a lot of your good friends will be there too. You can all help make each other brave.”

It’s just as important to validate the physical sensations of your child’s anxiety. For example, you might tell them, “Your stomach might feel like it’s in knots right now. When we’re nervous about something, our bodies feel it too."

Finally, normalize the experience. Help your child realize that anxiety is not out of the ordinary, and that there is nothing wrong with them. You might tell them, “Even grown-ups feel this way sometimes. So I understand where you’re coming from.”

Create a predictable morning routine

Predictable morning routines can help address school anxiety because it leaves less room for the unexpected. Prepare a visual timetable for getting up, making their bed, getting dressed, packing their school bag, and having breakfast.

This sense of structure helps your child mentally prepare for their day ahead. Keep it simple by focusing on one thing at a time. Instead of making the goal “go to school,” use a step-by-step system. For example, first, we’ll get up and make our bed. Then, we’ll brush our teeth.

Teach them coping skills

Helping your child develop the right coping skills can make school anxiety more manageable. When finding something that works, consider the immediate situation. For example, if your child is anxious about going to school because they have a presentation to give, practice coping techniques that provide immediate relief, such as deep breathing or positive affirmations.

Affirmations for self-esteem, such as “I’ve tried my best, and I am good enough,” can make your child feel more secure and confident. It also puts them in a better mindset and eases the panic they may be experiencing.

Also consider long-term coping skills for worries and intrusive thoughts about school. If your child is avoiding school because they’re afraid of performing badly, use our handout to help them interrupt and change these negative thoughts.

Coordinate with the school

The best time to start coordinating with your child’s school is when you identify the problem. When you know what the issue is, you can provide more context for your child’s teachers and school counselors.

When you set a meeting with your child’s school representatives, tell them about the specific things your child is struggling with and ask about what your child’s teachers have observed.

Ask about what support your child’s school can provide, whether that be regular counseling, additional prep time before giving a presentation, or more comprehensive accommodations.

Praise your child’s effort

Noticing your child’s small achievements will motivate them to repeat good behaviors. It doesn’t matter how “insignificant” these efforts seem. Tell your child you’re proud of them for getting out of bed on a particularly tough day or packing their lunch even when you didn’t ask them to.

Easing School Anxiety After School Breaks

For a child with school anxiety, summer break may feel more than welcome. However, getting them back to school after a long time away can feel like another mountain to climb. Here are some things you can do to make the transition easier:

• Set small, achievable goals: Going to school for an entire day can feel like a tall order after a break. Ease your child into the transition by setting small goals, such as sitting outside the school for a few minutes or meeting one or two teachers a day before the academic year begins.
• Consider a reduced timetable: If your child’s school coordinators are already aware of their situation, ask to arrange a transition period in which your child may attend one or two classes a day before slowly working up to a full school day.
• Try a hybrid learning setup: If a full school day isn’t possible for your child, don’t rule out the possibility of going to school altogether. Instead, compromise with a hybrid learning setup. Find out what accommodations your child’s school may have for this type of arrangement.
• Celebrate every win: Celebrate your child’s small victories, no matter how insignificant they seem. Praise them for putting their school shoes on, walking into campus, meeting new classmates, and doing their homework.

When to Get Professional Help for School Anxiety

Without early intervention, school anxiety can evolve into something deeper and more concerning. One of the first signs you may need to seek professional intervention is declining academic performance. Notice whether your child is procrastinating or avoiding their schoolwork altogether.

Another sign is co-occurring symptoms of something else, including depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Therapies that work best for school refusal include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps children challenge negative thoughts they have about attending school [*]. CBT also incorporates some exposure therapy techniques to help children face their fears about school.

Another option is educational-support therapy, which educates parents on helping children develop appropriate coping strategies and provides them with information on the importance of school attendance.

The Bottom Line

School plays a significant role in a child’s emotional, social, and academic development. However, challenges such as bullying, academic pressure, or feeling unsafe can make it difficult for children to attend and participate.

Helping your child feel more comfortable and supported at school can be an important step toward managing these challenges. You can also equip them with helpful coping tools from our collection of anxiety worksheets.

Sources:

1. Kawsar MS, Musa Yilanli, Marwaha R. “School Refusal.” ncbibooks, 2022.
2. Adams D, Simpson K, Keen D. “School-related anxiety symptomatology in a community sample of primary-school-aged children on the autism spectrum.” Journal of School Psychology, 2018.
3. Maeda N, Heyne D. “Rapid Return for School Refusal: A School-Based Approach Applied With Japanese Adolescents.” Frontiers in Psychology, 2019.