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It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children from every hardship, but shielding them from every obstacle can do more harm than good. Our ultimate goal as parents is to help our kids become independent and handle life’s ups and downs with confidence. Learning how to build resilience in children is about equipping them with the tools to process difficult emotions.
In this article, I’ll discuss what emotional resilience looks like and how to cultivate it using simple exercises and activities.
Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful situations. Many resilient people can bounce back from major life changes without lasting difficulties.
A child’s emotional resilience is influenced by their age, experiences, gender, and exposure to stressors. Regardless, most kids can improve their emotional resilience with patience and practice. Children who have had negative experiences or face severe adversity may require additional support from parents, teachers, and professionals.
Emotional resilience comes through in how children handle conflict and problems. Here, we explore what traits you’ll notice in children with high emotional resilience.
Emotionally resilient kids can identify and understand their feelings. Whether they are frustrated, disappointed, or worried, they can pinpoint why they are feeling this way. Because they are deeply in touch with their emotions, they are also more empathetic towards others.
Related: Practicing and Increasing Your Emotional Awareness
When at first they don’t succeed, a solution-focused child will always be willing to try again. They will acknowledge the disappointment, but continue to find ways to move forward. They’ll often seek guidance or advice instead of having an adult fix the problem for them.
Resilient children can see situations from different perspectives. They understand that no two people have the same values and beliefs. When they encounter a problem, they don’t stay stuck. Instead, they are open to trying another solution when what they’re currently doing isn’t working.
Children who think positively are less likely to have a victim mentality [*]. Instead of believing something bad is happening to them, a resilient child will understand that there are ways to move forward.
Control reframing is the ability to understand what is within one’s control. An emotionally resilient child will accept that they cannot change certain external factors but that they can stay in control of their internal responses. They’ll show that they can accept and sit with difficult feelings and avoid having outbursts.
When addressing conflict and managing stressors, emotional resilience can keep your child from feeling stuck. Here’s how this trait can make your child more flexible and confident when solving problems.
Emotionally resilient children accept that life is stressful, but don’t become disabled by their emotions. They can accept that, sometimes, bad things happen, but they are in control of how they move forward.
Good problem-solving skills are an essential part of developing emotional resilience [*]. With practice, everyday obstacles become more manageable.
Related: Problem Solving Activities for Kids to to Build Critical Thinking
Children who are good at addressing daily emotional triggers have better interpersonal relationships. Why? They are good communicators. Instead of withdrawing from their social circles or attacking someone else in an argument, they can step back and communicate what they need and feel.
Let’s picture a family board game night. Your child loses, and they feel quite sour about it—but they don’t lash out or yell. Instead, they tell you, “I’m pretty bummed about losing. Maybe we can play another round so I can try a new strategy.”
Related: How to Teach Emotional Regulation to Kids
Uncertainty is a threat to the nervous system. When a child feels cornered, they might panic or avoid the trigger. By practicing emotional resilience, kids can accept and understand that they won’t always be in control of what happens next.
When plans change unexpectedly, an emotionally resilient child can go from Plan A to Plan B. As parents, it’s important for us to let our kids tackle these minor changes head-on. It can be tempting to protect them from routine disruptions, but letting them take the lead will get them used to unexpected changes.
When children make mistakes, it’s not uncommon for them to feel like they are stupid or incapable. On the other hand, kids who practice emotional resilience will understand that these traits are not set in stone.
An emotionally resilient child who fails a math test won’t necessarily think they are “just bad at math.” Rather, they’ll find the motivation to study harder or ask for help.
One way to encourage this “bounce-back” mindset is to praise your child’s process and efforts—not their traits. Instead of telling them, “You can do better, you’re so good at math,” say, “I’m really proud of how hard you’ve been studying; this topic is really tricky!”
Children who lack emotional resilience might abandon a problem as soon as they encounter it. They might see this problem as something that is “too big” or “too scary” for them to handle. But more resilient kids will be more persistent in succeeding.
Rather than seeing themselves as the problem, emotionally resilient children will externalize the issue. For example, if your child wants to play soccer but hasn’t yet mastered their kicking skills, they won’t immediately assume they are “bad at soccer.” They’ll find other techniques that feel more comfortable or ask their coach for help.
Building resilience in kids takes time and practice. These are some ways you can encourage your child to handle problems with confidence.
Teaching children to name their emotions is called emotional granularity. What emotional granularity does is help children connect specific emotions to physiological cues. For instance, a child might understand that feeling hot in the face and balling their hands into fists is an automatic response to feeling angry.
When children trace these physical sensations, they can identify the emotions before things become too overwhelming to handle.
One way to improve your child’s emotional literacy is through affect labeling [*]. In simple terms, it just means labeling your emotions out loud. If you’re feeling worried about a presentation you’re about to give for work, you might narrate your emotions this way: “I’m really nervous I might forget something. My hands are even shaking a little!”
For younger kids, structured tools like our Feelings List for Kids handout plot out emotions in a clear, visual way.
Difficult feelings are uncomfortable to sit with, but learning to address them can improve your child’s emotional resilience. We don’t want to teach our kids to suppress their emotions. We want to reassure them that feelings are temporary. To do this, it’s important that we validate their emotions without judgment while calling out bad behaviors.
If your child is visibly distressed, tell them, “It’s okay to feel upset when playtime is over. But it’s not okay to throw your toys across the room.” Simultaneously, we also want to present our children with outlets to express their emotions. You might suggest, “Why don’t we stomp our feet instead? Or punch a pillow?”
When your child is in a calm, receptive state, you can use Feelings Activity Worksheets to practice recognizing emotions.
When children aren’t regulated, strong emotions can cause outbursts. They might scream, cry, throw things, and hit others. When the brain enters fight-or-flight mode, verbal processing becomes impaired. The goal is to help your child avoid becoming dysregulated and unable to cope.
When teaching coping skills, you’ll want to find the right time. Your child should be calm and in a good headspace. Introduce simple tools like the Healthy Coping Skills Poster, which features helpful strategies like deep breathing, positive affirmations, meditation, and self-care.
Pick an appropriate time to introduce these coping skills, such as before winding down for bed or after coming home from school.
Helping children understand what’s in and out of their control is one of the most effective ways to build emotional resilience. A dysregulated child might panic and try to control external factors, such as how another person is behaving, whether a store is closing, or if a train is leaving.
To help your child understand what they can change about the situation, introduce the Circle of Control. Within this circle are our thoughts, actions, and decisions. When children learn to focus on what they can control, they can learn to let go and move forward.
When a child is frustrated about something that isn’t in their control, shift from passive frustration to actionable steps. Suppose your child is throwing a tantrum saying, “It’s not fair our trip to the park got cancelled because it’s raining!” You can say, “It’s such a bummer that we can’t visit the park today. We can’t control the rain, but we can choose another fun activity.”
To understand someone else’s feelings, a child must first learn to understand their own. Parents can teach their children to develop empathy by practicing active listening and co-regulation. When your child shares a story about their day, listen attentively. Validate their experiences and encourage them to share what they might’ve felt or thought.
When discussing conflict, don’t try to take sides. Guide them with open questions and encourage them to take every perspective. If they’re in a scuffle with a friend, ask open-ended questions.
What do you think your words made them feel?
Why do you think your friend reacted the way they did?
Sometimes, children view mistakes from an all-or-nothing lens. If they miss a shot playing basketball, they might assume they’re bad at sports. If they don’t get cast in the school play, they might assume they aren’t talented enough.
We must remind our kids that mistakes aren’t defining moments. They’re opportunities to learn and try things differently. We can encourage them by using “yet.” “You haven’t mastered this piano piece yet, but you will with more practice!”
Using the power of “yet” is just one part of developing a growth mindset. Our Growth Mindset worksheets feature exercises, posters, and visual aids to help children overcome failures, find motivation to succeed, and map out a personal path to success.
Compassion for others starts with oneself. When children practice self-compassion, they can quiet their harsh inner critic. Self-compassion teaches children that their mistakes don’t define them and that they are in control of who they want to be.
If your child is being hard on themselves, ask, “If your friend made this mistake, would you think less of them? Would you think they are stupid? What would you say to them instead? Can you use those words with yourself?”
Provide practical examples of what self-compassion looks like with our All About Compassion handout. Here, we outline examples of self-compassion, including practicing self-forgiveness, using kind words, and accepting flaws.
Emotional resilience isn’t a trait your child is born with. It’s something they develop by nurturing self-compassion, empathy, understanding, and patience. The goal isn’t to suppress difficult feelings, but to accept them and find healthy ways to move forward.
With our Learn to Build Resilience bundle, you can help your child recognize their feelings, discover coping tools, and focus on what’s within their control.
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