Grief for kids can happen after many kinds of loss, such as the death of a loved one or a pet, or even big life changes.
Both adults and children experience grief, but children understand and express it in different ways. Because of this, it’s important to view grief from a child’s perspective. Assuming it is the same can lead to confusion about what they need.
This guide will discuss childhood grief and the types of loss children may face. You'll also learn how the grieving process looks at different ages, as well as tips to support them.
Understanding Childhood Grief
Grief is the natural emotional response to loss. It can involve feelings like sadness, anger, confusion, worry, or even numbness. It can impact a child’s emotional world, their thoughts, their behavior, and the way they seek connection.
While we usually associate grief with death, it can also come from many difficult experiences that are part of life. These include losing a pet, parents separating, moving to a new home, or changes in routines.
Many children experience significant loss during childhood. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 4.3% of children under age 18 have experienced the death of at least one parent. This shows that grief is something many families face [*].
Children understand and feel loss differently depending on their age.
Infants and toddlers don’t understand words, but they notice changes. They may become clingy or fussy. School-age kids may try to make sense of what happened, but their ideas can be concrete or inaccurate. Teenagers usually get the reality of the loss, but they may express their grief through anger or withdrawal [*].
Children benefit most when adults are patient and understanding, regardless of their experiences.
Common Types of Grief Kids May Experience
Grief is a natural process for many children. They may feel sad, angry, or have trouble sleeping or eating for a while. Although these feelings can be difficult, they become easier to manage with support and time. This is called uncomplicated grief, and it allows children to adjust to the loss.
Some children experience complicated grief, where their grief does not become easier with time. This type of grief feels very intense and lasts much longer than expected. The child finds it difficult to enjoy daily life or connect with others. Some may become very anxious or withdrawn.
Other forms of grief can affect children as well. Traumatic grief can occur after a sudden or frightening loss, such as a death caused by an accident or natural disaster. Anticipatory grief happens before a death, when a loved one has a serious illness.
Signs a Child May Be Grieving
Grief can look different from one child to another. Some children talk openly about their feelings, while others may show their grief through changes in their mood or behavior.
A child’s reaction can vary based on their age, temperament, and ability to understand the situation. The following are some common signs that they may be grieving:
- Sadness or crying more than usual
- Irritability, anger, or emotional outbursts
- Anxiety, increased fearfulness, or clinginess
- Withdrawal from family, friends, or favorite activities
- Changes in sleep and appetite
- Difficulty concentrating or a decline in school performance
- Feeling guilty or blaming themselves for the loss
- Worrying about the safety of loved ones
- Regression, such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking
- Physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches
- Talking frequently about the person, pet, or situation they lost
A child may experience some of these signs but not others. Their reactions may also change over time as they adjust to the loss.
Grieving Process in Children
There is no single “right” way for children to grieve.
A well-known model of grief was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross after her work with people facing terminal illness. She identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance [*].
These stages can help us understand common reactions to loss, but they are not a step-by-step process that every child follows. A child may skip some stages, experience several at the same time, or return to a stage they seemed to have already worked through.
The first stage, denial, involves having difficulty accepting that the loss has happened. As the loss becomes more real, they may experience anger, which can be directed at themselves or others — even the person who died.
Some children may move into bargaining, where they wish they had done something differently. Depression can occur, too, though this stage does not necessarily mean a child has clinical depression. Finally, acceptance involves learning to live with the loss and adjusting to a new reality.
How to Help Children Deal with Grief
Knowing the grieving process is a good place to start when supporting a child through loss.
Children need caring adults who make them feel safe enough to share their thoughts and emotions without being judged. Sometimes this means listening more than talking, offering validation, and letting them know they are not alone.
Rather than trying to “fix” their grief, focus on being a source of comfort.
It is also important to remember that not all children express themselves through words. Some may find it easier to communicate their feelings through creative outlets. Examples include play, art, music, storytelling, or journaling.
Keep their routines consistent and spend quality time together. Seek professional support when needed.
As you support a grieving child, remember to take care of yourself, too. In many cases, the adults helping the child are grieving the same loss. Allow yourself to seek support as well.
Rest when needed and talk about your feelings with trusted people, such as family members, friends, or professionals. Caring for yourself can help you be more present for the child.
Resources
No one has to deal with childhood grief alone. If you’d like to learn more, the following organizations offer helpful resources for parents, caregivers, educators, and professionals:
