Big Feelings, Better Coping: How to Teach Emotional Regulation to Kids

Kids’ emotions can sometimes feel like little monsters that are difficult to control. A child may feel hot, shaky, tense, or overwhelmed. Emotional regulation for kids teaches children that these feelings are okay while giving them tools to manage what’s happening.

With the right techniques and activities, your child can practice dealing with big feelings in healthy ways. But first, let’s look at what emotional regulation really means and why some kids struggle with it.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice what you are feeling, understand it, and manage how you respond. It does not mean stopping or hiding emotions. Instead, it children learn what to do when feelings become overwhelming.

When I talk about emotional regulation with clients, I explain why these skills matter, especially when big emotions begin to affect their everyday life.

Research connects emotional regulation with healthy social, cognitive, and language development. In everyday life, these skills can help children handle changes, communicate with others, and manage the ups and downs that come with being a kid. They can also support children at school by helping them stay engaged [*].

Emotional regulation starts developing in infancy and continues throughout childhood and the teen years. Children develop these skills at different rates, influenced by their temperament, genetics, and environment [*].

Even babies can begin learning these skills through a safe, trusting relationship with a caregiver.

By around age 5, when children enter the school years, they are generally expected to have some ability to manage their emotions, although they will still need support.

What Does Emotional Dysregulation Look Like?

Emotional dysregulation can look different from child to child, but kids who experience it have a hard time managing strong emotions. They may become very angry, cry intensely, yell, refuse to cooperate, or have a hard time calming down [*].

For example, your child has a meltdown because you said it was time to leave the playground. Another child becomes very frustrated when they cannot finish a homework problem and throw their pencil across the room. A child may also get upset with a sibling over a toy.

It’s normal for children to struggle with big feelings sometimes. But when these reactions happen often and interfere with their daily life and relationships, they may need extra help.

Why Do Some Kids Struggle with Emotional Regulation?

There is no single reason why some children have a harder time managing their emotions.

One piece of the puzzle is temperament and personality. Children are born with their own natural ways of responding to the world. Some are naturally easygoing, while others may be more sensitive or intense.

A child’s environment also plays an important role. Changes at home, family stress, conflict, school challenges, or disruptions in routine can make it harder for a child to manage big feelings. Children also learn from the adults around them, so having supportive caregivers can give them opportunities to practice emotional regulation.

Communication and developmental differences can make emotional regulation more challenging, too. A child who has difficulty expressing their needs may act out instead.

Neurodevelopmental conditions such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or learning and language difficulties can affect their ability to handle frustration.

Anxiety and depression are additional factors that can make emotional regulation harder. An anxious child might feel swamped by worries and overreact. A child with depression may be quick to get upset or withdraw from others [*].

Strategies to Help Develop Emotional Regulation Skills

Just because children are expected to manage their emotions with some success around age 5 does not mean you have to wait until then to start teaching these skills. Our kids can benefit from practicing emotional regulation from an early age.

Start building regulation in infancy

Emotional regulation starts long before a child can say, “I’m upset.” In infancy, babies rely on their caregivers to meet their needs so they can calm down. Responding when your baby cries will build this early foundation. As an infant grows, they gradually take over more of this skill for themselves [*].

Help them name their feelings

Whenever your child is upset, you can start by putting a name to what they are feeling. You might say, “I can see that you’re frustrated that we have to leave” or “I can see that you’re disappointed.”

This kind of feedback is helpful because it is nonjudgmental. You are simply reflecting what you notice and helping your child put words to their experience.

Teach them to notice body clues

Big emotions can show up in your child’s body before they have the words to explain them. You might notice a tight tummy, hot face, clenched fists, fast heartbeat, or shaky hands.

You can point this out by saying, “Your fists are really tight. I wonder if your body is telling you that you’re getting angry.”

The more you practice noticing these body signals together, the easier it can become for your child to recognize them on their own. Our physical symptoms of anxiety worksheet can also serve as a simple exercise.

Stay calm and co-regulate

A child who is overwhelmed with sadness, anger, or anxiety may need your calm before they can find their own. This is what co-regulation is about. It is a shared process between you and your child, where you help them feel safe while they learn to manage their emotions.

Empathy is an important part of this process. Try to understand what your child may be experiencing, give them your full attention, and make eye contact so they know you are present with them.

Teach coping skills when they are calm

It is much harder for a child to learn a new skill when they’re in the middle of a meltdown. This is why coping strategies should be taught during calm moments. It helps them remember to take deep breaths, step away for a break, or get some movement when big feelings arrive.

It is also important to keep your child’s developmental stage in mind when teaching these skills. Choose skills that match their age and abilities, and practice them in manageable ways.

For example, a toddler may be taught to blow bubbles or cuddle a stuffed animal. A school-age child may be ready to practice naming their feelings. Teens, on the other hand, can take a more active role in choosing what they like, such as listening to music, journaling, or, talking to someone they trust.

Practice with everyday frustrations

When we step in too quickly and clear every obstacle, children may have fewer chances to learn that they can work through challenges.

I tell the families I work with that it is tempting to make things easier, especially when we know we can fix the problem quickly. But allowing kids to experience small frustrations gives them a chance to practice coping.

For example, if a child gets upset because they have to wait their turn, just stay close. You can offer support without stepping in by saying, “What can we do while we wait?"

Talk about what happened afterwards

After your child has had time to calm down, revisit the situation together. Use the moment to help them think about what they were feeling, what they noticed in their body, and what they could try the next time something similar happens.

Notice their effort

Your child may still yell, cry, or lose control even after practicing these skills. But remember that each time you notice them making a positive choice, it helps them notice their own progress too.

Maybe they asked for help instead of throwing something, took a break when they felt overwhelmed, or used their words to explain what was wrong. Point it out by saying, “You were really frustrated, but you told me you needed help.”

Be a positive role model

We are our children’s first role models, and because we spend so much time with them each day, it is natural for them to copy what they see us do. They notice how we speak, how we respond when things go wrong, and how we treat other people.

With this in mind, try to be intentional about how you speak and act, especially during difficult moments. You can even let your child hear your thought process out loud.

If you are stuck in traffic, forgot to do something, or ran into a problem at work, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a breath and think about what I can do next.” This gives your child a real-life example of how to pause and work through a strong emotion.

The same applies when you have a misunderstanding with your child. You will not always respond perfectly, and that is okay. If you lose your patience, you can model repair by saying, “I was frustrated and I spoke too loudly. I’m sorry. Let me try that again.”

Fun Activities and Games That Teach Emotional Regulation

Children can practice emotional regulation skills while playing, drawing, moving, and talking with you. Play, in particular, can give them plenty of opportunities to practice different responses. Try these ideas:

Feelings charades

This game gives children a chance to act out emotions while others try to guess what they are feeling. Use simple emotions such as happy, angry, worried, excited, embarrassed, or disappointed.

You can play indoors or outside with siblings or friends. After each turn, talk briefly about the clues that helped you recognize the feeling.

Blow the feather

Give your child a feather or cotton ball and see how far they can move it with their breath. You can pretend it is a little cloud they are helping along. Keep the activity playful and remind them to use slow, easy breaths.

Freeze and melt

Turn on some music and invite your child to dance around the room. Pause the music and call, “Freeze!” Then have them slowly “melt” their body when the music starts again. Use the game to help them notice how their body feels when it is tense versus relaxed.

“What could you do?”

This activity is a simple way to practice problem-solving during emotional situations. Give children a scenario and ask them to name as many possible responses as they can.

It could be losing a game, having a friend say something hurtful, or feeling frustrated with a math problem. This activity can be done one-on-one or in a small group.

Animal yoga adventure

Turn yoga into an animal adventure by having your child move through poses inspired by different animals. Your child can stretch like a cat with cat-cow, rise like a snake in cobra pose, and roar like a lion in lion pose.

Try the activity in your living room or outside on the grass. Keeping it playful can help children release tension and relax their bodies. Here are more yoga poses for kids.

Practice with a stuffed animal

Kids can use a favorite stuffed animal to practice coping skills. For example, say, “Oh no, Teddy is feeling upset. What can we do to help Teddy feel better?” Then guide your child through a few deep breaths with the toy.

Emotional Regulation is a Skill Kids Can Learn

Emotional regulation does not come easily. It is not something they will master overnight, and there will be times when they still need your help. This is why it helps to look for everyday opportunities to practice, and even better, make emotional regulation a fun part of play and family life.

To help them keep practicing, explore our printable feelings worksheets and coping skills worksheets for more activities for kids and teens.

References:

1. Graziano, P. A., Reavis, R. D., Keane, S. P., & Calkins, S. D. (2007). The Role of Emotion Regulation and Children's Early Academic Success. Journal of School Psychology, 45(1), 3. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2006.09.002
2. Weir, K. (2023, April 21). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation
3. Emotion Dysregulation Resource Center. (n.d.). https://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/Emotional_Dysregulation/Home.aspx
4. Cisler, J. M., & Olatunji, B. O. (2012). Emotion Regulation and Anxiety Disorders. Current Psychiatry Reports, 14(3), 182. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-012-0262-2
5. Shonkoff, J. P., & Phillips, D. A. (2000). Acquiring Self-Regulation. From Neurons to Neighborhoods - NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK225568/