Raising Kids Who Believe in Themselves (Self-Esteem)

Every parent wants their child to grow up feeling secure and comfortable in who they are. Self-esteem for kids refers to how children see themselves and how much they believe in their own worth and abilities.

A child with healthy self-esteem believes they can handle challenges and knows they are loved, even when things do not go as planned. Children build self-esteem through their daily experiences.

In this guide, you’ll learn how self-esteem develops, what can affect it, and ways parents can help support it.

How Self-Esteem Develops Throughout Childhood

Self-esteem begins to develop much earlier than many people realize. From the time children are babies, they are learning about themselves through everyday interactions with the people who care for them.

Research suggests that by about 5 years old, many children already have a lasting foundation for how they see themselves [*].

In the preschool years, children are naturally curious and believe they can do almost anything. They are proud of learning new skills and are less focused on comparing themselves with other children. Instead, their confidence increases each time they are praised for their effort and supported when they make mistakes.

As children enter elementary school, they become more aware of the people around them. They begin paying closer attention to what other people think. Feedback from parents, teachers, coaches, and friends affects how they view themselves. They also start comparing their abilities with classmates [*].

Positive experiences can strengthen self-esteem, while repeated criticism, rejection, or feeling like they are never “good enough” can lead them to doubt themselves.

As children become teenagers, they start paying more attention to how they fit in with others. Feeling accepted by family and friends, reaching personal goals, and discovering their strengths can build self-esteem.

However, stressful events like moving to a new school, facing academic struggles, or feeling excluded by peers may affect how teens see themselves.

Every stage of childhood brings new opportunities to strengthen self-esteem. The important thing is that children have caring adults who remind them that their worth is not based on being perfect, but on who they are.

What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem does not usually have one single cause. Instead, it develops from a combination of personal experiences, family relationships, social interactions, and the environment around a child.

The following are common causes of low self-esteem in children:

• Constant criticism: A child hears more criticism than encouragement. When this happens, they may question their abilities and worth.
  
• Lack of encouragement: Kids need positive feedback to feel confident. Without encouragement, they may feel their efforts are not valued.
• Bullying or peer rejection: Feeling left out, teased, or bullied can make children feel unimportant or unwanted. They may avoid social situations as a result.
• High expectations without enough support: Children who feel they must always be perfect may become discouraged when they make mistakes. They may believe their worth depends on their achievements.
• Overprotective parenting: When parents do everything for their child or shield them from every challenge, children may have fewer opportunities to develop independence.
• Academic or learning challenges: Struggling in school can make children question their abilities, especially if they compare themselves with classmates.
• Harsh self-criticism: Children who always think negatively about themselves may come to believe those thoughts are true.
• Family challenges: Children who experience frequent conflict at home may struggle with insecurity. They feel anxious and may even blame themselves.
• Unrealistic comparisons: Social media can encourage young people to compare themselves to unrealistic images, lifestyles, or achievements.
• Traumatic or difficult life experiences: Losing a family member, experiencing abuse, living through a natural disaster, or dealing with a serious illness can affect a child’s sense of safety.

Signs Your Child May Have Low Self-Esteem

Some children become quiet and withdraw from others, while others may act out, avoid challenges, or become overly sensitive to mistakes.

Parents can start by observing how their child behaves at home, at school, and with friends. These everyday interactions offer important clues.

At Home:

• Gets upset easily after small setbacks. For example, they may cry after spilling a drink or stop doing a puzzle after one mistake because they believe they can’t do it.
• Avoids trying new things, such as riding a bike, learning a new game, or helping cook, because they are afraid of making a mistake.
• Needs constant reassurance. They frequently ask questions like, “Did I do this right?” or “Are you proud of me?”
• Gives up quickly. If homework, a craft, or building with blocks becomes difficult, they may immediately ask for help or quit.
• Has a hard time accepting compliments. When praised, they might respond with, “It wasn’t that good,” or “I just got lucky.”

With Friends:

• Has difficulty making or keeping friends. They may hesitate to join games, start conversations, or introduce themselves to other children.
• Lets others make all the decisions. They may always go along with what their friends want because they are afraid of being disliked.
• Takes rejection very personally. If they are not invited to play or disagree with a friend, they may believe it means no one likes them.
• Seeks constant approval from peers. They may worry a great deal about fitting in or frequently ask friends if they are upset with them.
• Allows others to treat them unfairly. They may struggle to stand up for themselves because they do not feel confident expressing their needs.

During Activities and Hobbies:

• Quits when a skill takes time to learn. They may stop practicing an instrument, playing a sport, or drawing because they are not immediately good at it.
• Avoids competitions or performances. They may refuse to join a recital, sports game, or school event because they are afraid of making mistakes in front of others.
• Focuses only on what went wrong. Even after doing well, they may only talk about the one mistake they made instead of recognizing their progress.
• Rarely feels proud of their accomplishments. They may finish a difficult project or achieve a goal but still believe they could have done better.

In Their Thoughts and Feelings:

• Talks negatively about themselves. They may say, “I’m not good enough,” or “Nobody likes me.”
• Worries about disappointing others. They may become anxious about making mistakes because they fear letting their parents, teachers, or friends down.
• Focuses on weaknesses instead of strengths. They have trouble recognizing what they do well and pay much more attention to their mistakes.
• Has little confidence in solving problems. Instead of trying different solutions, they quickly assume they are not capable of figuring things out.

Treatment for Low Self-Esteem

If your child’s low self-esteem is affecting their happiness, relationships, or daily life, professional support can help. A qualified mental health professional can evaluate your child and recommend therapies that fit their unique needs.

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT helps children recognize unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones. Research suggests it can help improve self-esteem in young people [*].
• Play therapy. Younger children show their feelings through play. Therapists use miniature figures, dollhouses, puppets, and imaginative play to help children express themselves and work through challenges.
• Family therapy. This focuses on improving family relationships that may be affecting a child’s confidence. During sessions, parents learn ways to encourage and support their child.
• Social skills training. Children who struggle with friendships can practice skills such as starting conversations and solving conflicts [*].
• Treatment for underlying conditions. Some children struggle with low self-esteem because of challenges like anxiety, ADHD, trauma, or learning differences. Treating these concerns can help children feel more successful in everyday life.
• School-based support. Teachers, school counselors, and psychologists can work with families to help children feel more capable both academically and socially. This may include setting achievable goals and providing accommodations.

How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Building self-esteem starts at home. The words children hear, the opportunities they are given, and the support they receive each day all help them develop a more positive view of themselves.

• Acknowledge their effort. Celebrate your child’s hard work, persistence, and willingness to keep trying, even when they do not succeed the first time.
• Let your child solve age-appropriate problems. Give them opportunities to make decisions and learn from their mistakes instead of immediately stepping in.
• Encourage independence. Allow your child to complete tasks they are capable of doing, such as getting dressed, packing their backpack, or helping prepare meals.
• Give choices when appropriate. Let your child make simple decisions, such as choosing what to wear, picking a snack, or selecting a bedtime story.
• Choose encouraging words. Help your child learn from mistakes without using hurtful labels. For example, replace “You’re so careless” with “Everyone makes mistakes. Let’s see how we can fix it together.”
• Create opportunities to help others. Helping a neighbor, setting the table, or volunteering in the community gives children a sense of purpose.
• Help them set realistic goals. Breaking big goals into smaller steps helps children experience success and stay motivated.
• Encourage healthy friendships. Support your child in choosing friends who encourage them, celebrate their successes, and treat them with kindness.
• Be a positive role model. Model the behaviors you want your child to develop. Speak kindly about yourself and approach your own mistakes with a growth mindset.

Resources

If you’d like to learn more, the following trusted resources offer guidance and evidence-based information to help you support your child’s confidence:

• Child Mind Institute
• HealthyChildren.org
• Understood.org
• Mental Health Center Kids: Self-Esteem Worksheets