DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Children and teens must learn the importance of building and maintaining relationships because these connections can provide them with support and a sense of security. Whether they need to be assertive, say “no,” or negotiate — DBT interpersonal effectiveness is something that can be learned.

We’ll discuss what DBT interpersonal effectiveness means, its key skills, and how young people can practice them effectively.

What are DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills?

Interpersonal effectiveness skills help individuals handle their interactions better so they can make positive changes in their relationships. As one of the components of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), interpersonal effectiveness has three goals:

• Learn how to get what you want and need from others (objective effectiveness)
• Build relationships and end destructive ones (relationship effectiveness)
• Balance your own needs with the needs of others (self-respect effectiveness)

There are specific skills one can use to achieve these goals. For example, a teen who is discussing a problem they’re having with a friend can turn to the interpersonal effectiveness skill called GIVE, which lets them approach their friend with gentleness and not interrupt them while they’re speaking.

Research has shown that enhancing interpersonal effectiveness skills can lead to significant positive outcomes, especially for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). As individuals handle their relationships more constructively, they may experience a reduction in symptoms [*].

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Here is a list of DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills that can be adapted to suit a child’s needs. When teaching each concept below, parents and other caring adults should use language that is easy for young people to understand.

At Mental Health Center Kids, we provide DBT worksheets that serve as visual aids to make abstract ideas more concrete. Each skill below is accompanied by a worksheet you can easily print and use to support your child’s learning.

THINK

THINK is a newer interpersonal effectiveness that helps individuals manage their emotional responses and approach interactions with more mindfulness and understanding. It can be most effective in situations where a child experiences heightened emotions, such as during an argument with a friend or classmate or whenever their expectations aren’t met.

Here are the components of the THINK skill:

• Think. Encourage your child to take a moment to consider the situation from another person’s perspective. Ask them to reflect on how the other person might be feeling and whether they could also be upset.
• Have empathy. Empathy means being able to notice how others feel based on their words, body language, or facial expressions. During disagreements, having empathy enables a child to hear the other person’s perspective or see the situation from their viewpoint.
• Interpretations. Trying to interpret another person’s behavior increases the likelihood of misinterpreting them. They can learn that everyone has reasons for their actions, which can be valid.
• Notice. Help your child understand that another person’s behaviors might indicate that they are dealing with their own problems. Explain that everyone has tough times, and it’s important to be supportive.
• Kindness. After they notice the other person, they can respond with kindness. This doesn’t mean that they need to forgive and forget immediately. However, they can choose to show kindness, especially in their words. Gentle words can help diffuse the situation.

Get the DBT THINK Skill handout.

FAST

The FAST skill helps individuals maintain self-respect and dignity, especially when they’re having conflict with others. Research shows that self-respect is a foundational component of self-esteem [*]. Those who maintain self-respect through skills like FAST are able to handle conflicts in a way that allows them to stand by their values.

Here’s how each component of the FAST skill can be applied for kids, with examples:

• Fair. It means treating yourself and others fairly. Instead of using strong or judgmental language, try to understand what might be going on for the other person. For instance, if a child is waiting in line at a playground, and another child cuts in front of them, they can try to think about why the other child might have done that. The child could calmly say, “Excuse me, I was waiting here first,” and then let them explain. This way, they’re being fair and understanding.
• Apologies. Apologizing when they’re not at fault can be unfair and might lead to confusion about their responsibility. Saying sorry is necessary only when they’ve made a mistake, hurt someone’s feelings, or caused damage.
• Stick to your values. When children and teens stick to their values, their behavior becomes more consistent. Moreover, when faced with difficult situations, sticking to values can help children and teens make decisions that are aligned with what they believe is right. Some values that might matter to them include kindness, fairness, and respect.
• Truthful. Being honest helps children feel good about themselves. Speaking the truth and not making excuses allow other people to see them as reliable and honest. This can help strengthen their relationships.

Get the DBT FAST Skill handout.

GIVE

The GIVE skill focuses on how to interact in a way that promotes positive relationships. For children and teens, this skill is particularly helpful in keeping healthy connections with their family, friends, and peers.

Some scenarios where applying the GIVE skill is useful include making new friends and participating in school projects or team sports.

Here’s how the GIVE skill can be applied:

• Gentle. Being gentle promotes respect in relationships. For example, when meeting a new classmate, a child could gently say, “I would love to get to know you better. What are your favorite activities?” This is the opposite of approaching the new classmate with a more demanding tone.
• Interested. This means showing genuine curiosity about what another person is saying. A child could focus on the other person’s words, tone, and body language — and not interrupting or planning what to say next.
• Validate. Verbal validation involves using encouraging words to offer positive feedback or tell another person that you relate to their feelings. It helps them feel less alone in their experience. Meanwhile, non-verbal validation can include gestures like nodding, making eye contact, and mirroring the other person’s posture to create a sense of connection.
• Easy manner. Smiling can make a child or teen appear friendly and welcoming, which can help others feel more comfortable around them. Children can practice smiling by looking at themselves in a mirror to see how it looks and feels. Teach them to combine smiling with with friendly gestures like waving or giving a thumbs up.

Get the DBT GIVE Skill handout.

DEAR MAN

The DEAR MAN skill is focused on being assertive and effectively communicating one's needs while also preserving and maintaining relationships.

Here's how it works and why it's particularly important for children and teens:

• Describe. Kids who describe situations without judgment focus on the facts. They refrain from expressing opinions that could be interpreted as blame. For example, when their sibling keeps taking their toys without asking, a child could say, “I noticed that you used my toys without asking.”
• Express feelings. After describing the situation, it’s important for your child to clearly express their feelings and what they would like to happen next. This helps them make their needs known in a straightforward way. Using the previous example, the child could tell their sibling, “I would appreciate if you ask first before using my toys.”
• Assert. When your child expresses what they want, it's important for them to assert their needs in a clear and respectful manner. In other words, they can stand up for themselves without being pushy. For example, if a child wants to spend time with their friends, they might say, “I’ve been really busy with schoolwork and haven’t had a chance to spend time with my friends. It would mean a lot to me if I could go to the park with them this weekend.”
• Reinforce of reward. If a child asks their parents if they can have a friend over for a playdate and the parents agree, the child might say, “Thank you so much for letting my friend come over. I’m really excited and I promise to help with the clean-up afterward!”
• Mindful. This focuses on staying present during interactions. A child doesn’t allow external factors or past grievances interfere with a current interaction. Mindfulness allows them to stay focused and calm, and be able to respond appropriately.
• Appear confident. This means presenting oneself in a way that conveys assurance, even if one feels nervous inside. To appear confident, a child or teen can be taught to speak clearly and calmly, stand or sit up straight, and be straightforward with their needs.
• Negotiate. If a child’s initial request cannot be fully met, they can learn to explore alternative solutions that work for them and the other person.

Get the DBT DEAR MAN handout.

How to Practice DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

DBT for teens and children can sometimes feel difficult due to the complexity of its concepts. Moreover, some coping skills need to be simplified and broken down into age-appropriate steps. This is why parents and caregivers need to begin with the basics.

Here are ways to help young people practice interpersonal effectiveness skills:

• Use simple language, and pair explanations with visual charts or drawings. If your child is in therapy, tools like handouts and worksheets make their healing journey more engaging.
• Incorporate creative games to make a DBT skill more enjoyable! For example, to appreciate DBT FAST, you can prepare scenario cards and let the child decide whether a situation warrants an apology or not.
• Demonstrate a skill and explain to them how it might be used in their daily experiences. You can pick a specific skill and do role-playing together. Provide necessary feedback.
• Keep practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills to make them easier to remember! For example, during Mondays, you could focus on the “DEAR MAN” skill.

The Bottom Line

Interpersonal effectiveness skills can benefit not just those with mental health conditions, but also for any young person needing to improve their interactions.

Again, the main goal of DBT interpersonal effectiveness is communicating in a way that promotes healthy relationships. It’s amazing how each skill discussed in this article can be used in daily situations to achieve positive outcomes.

For simple and structured exercises, we recommend checking out our DBT worksheets!

References:

1. Stepp, S. D., Epler, A. J., Jahng, S., & Trull, T. J. (2008). The Effect of Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Use on Borderline Personality Disorder Features. Journal of Personality Disorders, 22(6), 549–563. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2008.22.6.549
2. Clucas, C. (2019). Understanding Self-Respect and Its Relationship to Self-Esteem. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(6), 839–855. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219879115