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Key Takeaways:
- DBT DEAR MAN is a step-by-step way to ask for what you need while being kind and respectful.
- The more you practice confident and clear communication, the easier it becomes to stand up for yourself.
- Kids and teens can learn DEAR MAN early with activities and worksheets to help them build strong relationships.
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We all have expectations in our relationships. Whether it’s asking a friend for help, talking to a teacher about a problem, or setting boundaries with family, we want to communicate in a way that helps us get what we need while still being kind and respectful. DBT DEAR MAN teaches people how to handle these situations.
It’s a step-by-step way to ask for what you need, say no when necessary, and keep good relationships. In this article, we’ll go over each part of DBT DEAR MAN technique and how it can be used in everyday life!
What is the DEAR MAN Skill?
DBT DEAR MAN is a helpful skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that teaches people how to communicate in a clear and respectful way. It is part of the interpersonal effectiveness module, which helps people balance being kind to others while standing up for themselves.
Each letter in the DEAR MAN technique stands for a step that makes it easier to ask for what you need and keep good relationships:
- Describe the situation
- Express your feelings
- Assert what you want
- Reinforce why it helps
- Mindful – stay focused
- Appear confident
- Negotiate if needed
When people use DBT DEAR MAN, they can ask for help, say no, and handle conflicts without hurting their relationships. Research shows that DBT helps people reconnect with friends and talk more openly about their feelings. Some people who used to avoid friends because of anxiety were able to rebuild friendships after learning these skills [*].
In the next section, we’ll explain each part of DBT DEAR MAN and how you can apply it.
Describe
The first step is to clearly explain what is happening. This means sticking to the facts without adding opinions or blame. For example, if your friend borrows your markers and doesn’t return them, you can say, “You borrowed my markers last week, and I haven’t gotten them back yet.”
This helps the other person understand the situation without feeling attacked.
Being able to describe the problem in a calm and clear way keeps the conversation focused. Instead of arguing about what might have happened, you both start from the same understanding.
Express
Next, share how you feel about the situation. Using “I” statements makes it easier for the other person to listen without feeling defensive. For example, you can say, “I feel frustrated when my markers don’t get returned because I need them for school.”
Telling others how you feel helps them understand why the situation matters to you. This can make them more willing to listen and help solve the problem.
Assert
After expressing your feelings, you need to clearly state what you want or need. This means being direct but still polite. In the marker example, you might say, “I need my markers back by tomorrow so I can use them for my homework.”
Being clear about what you need makes it more likely that the other person will respect your request. If you don’t say what you want, the other person may not realize how important it is to you.
Reinforce
Reinforcing means explaining why it’s helpful for both of you to solve the problem. People are more likely to help when they see a benefit for themselves. You could say, “If we return things on time, we can keep borrowing from each other without any problems.”
This step reminds the other person that working together can make things better for both of you. It helps keep the conversation positive instead of turning into an argument.
Mindful
Being mindful means staying focused on your goal and not getting distracted by emotions or side conversations. If your friend tries to change the subject, you can calmly bring it back by saying, “I understand, but I really need my markers back.”
By staying on track, you make it easier to solve the problem. Getting sidetracked can make the conversation longer and more frustrating for both people.
Appear Confident
Confidence matters when asking for what you need. Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak with a strong yet friendly voice. Rather than looking down and mumbling, say clearly, “I need my markers back by tomorrow.”
When you appear confident, people are more likely to take your request seriously. It also helps you feel more in control of the situation.
Studies show a clear relationship between how confident someone feels in a decision and their subsequent actions [*]. Just like in the studies, projecting confidence helps you commit to your request rather than wavering or over-explaining.
Negotiate
Sometimes, things don’t go exactly as planned, so you may need to find a solution that works for both of you. If your friend says they lost your markers, instead of getting upset, you could say, “Can you replace them by next week?”
Negotiation strengthens relationships by showing respect for both sides. It helps prevent conflicts from escalating and reassures the other person that their needs and concerns matter to you as well.
The Bottom Line
It’s important to know how to speak up for ourselves. DBT DEAR MAN teaches us how to communicate our needs, set boundaries, and manage disagreements in a positive way.
Like any skill, getting better at DEAR MAN takes practice. The more we use it, the easier it becomes to speak up for ourselves while staying calm and fair.
Kids and teens can start learning DBT DEAR MAN as early as elementary school with simple role-playing and guidance.
Our DBT worksheet collection includes various interpersonal effectiveness skills that help young people communicate clearly and build healthy relationships. Check them out to support kids and teens in developing these important life skills!
References:
- Gillespie, C., Murphy, M., Kells, M., & Flynn, D. (2022). Individuals who report having benefitted from dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT): A qualitative exploration of processes and experiences at long-term follow-up. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9, 8. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-022-00179-9
- Carlebach, N., & Yeung, N. (2022). Flexible use of confidence to guide advice requests. Cognition, 230, 105264. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cognition.2022.105264
