The 10 Signs of Trauma Bonding

Sometimes, people stay in relationships that hurt them, even when they know something feels wrong. Trauma bonding signs are clues that someone may be emotionally tied to a harmful person due to cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness.

These bonds can be difficult to recognize, which can make it hard to leave the relationship. Knowing these signs is the first step to breaking free and getting the support you deserve.

When you recognize what’s happening, you can take back your power and find healthier, happier relationships.

Let’s learn the 10 signs of trauma bonding so you can protect yourself and others.

What is a Trauma Bond Relationship?

Trauma bonding is when a person feels a strong connection to someone who treats them badly. This happens because the hurtful person goes back and forth between being mean and being kind. After being unkind, they might apologize, show love, or act like they care.

This pattern makes the abused person believe things will get better, even when they don’t. Trauma bonding can happen in romantic relationships, families, friendships, or even at work. It can make people feel trapped and unsure about leaving the relationship.

Research shows that childhood maltreatment and attachment insecurity increase the risk of developing traumatic bonds in abusive relationships. It also revealed that trauma bonding was associated with higher PTSD symptoms [*].

Trauma Bonding Signs

So, how can you tell if trauma bonding is happening? Here are some signs to look for.

1. Strong emotional connection with the abuser

A person in a trauma bond relationship feels deeply attached to the person who mistreats them. Even if they are treated badly, they still care about the abuser and may feel like they cannot live without them.

For example, imagine a child whose parent yells at them a lot and makes them feel bad, but then later says, “You’re the most important person in my life.”

The child might feel sad and scared when the parent is mean, but they also feel loved when the parent is nice. Because of this, they may stay close to the parent.

A strong emotional connection happens because of the cycle of abuse and kindness. Receiving love after being mistreated sends confusing messages to the brain. In children, this bond is even stronger because they depend on their parents for love, safety, and basic needs [*].

2. Cycle of abuse and love bombing

First, abuse happens when the harmful person belittles, criticizes, or mistreats their partner to make them feel small and unworthy. This could be a romantic relationship where one partner frequently insults the other, controls their actions, or ignores their needs.

Next, the abuser offers guilt or excuses, blaming stress, denying the seriousness of their actions, or making the victim feel responsible. The victim may start to question their own feelings and wonder if they’re overreacting.

Then comes love bombing, where the abuser suddenly becomes affectionate and caring. They might shower their partner with compliments, gifts, or apologies, saying, “You mean everything to me,” or “I can’t live without you.” This gives the victim hope that things will get better.

Over time, tension builds again. The abuser slowly withdraws their kindness, and becomes distant, cold, or aggressive. The victim feels anxious, like they’re “walking on eggshells,” and waits for the next painful moment.

Finally, the cycle repeats. The victim stays because they believe the loving side of their partner is the “real” version, while the hurtful side is just a phase. This cycle keeps them trapped in the relationship and makes it hard to see the abuse for what it is.

3. Covering for the abuser

A person in a trauma bond often hides or makes excuses for the abuser’s behavior. They may lie, downplay what’s happening, or act like everything is fine, even when it’s not.

This happens because they feel loyal to the abuser or fear making the situation worse. They may even believe that the abuse is their fault.

For example, imagine a child whose parent frequently yells at them and calls them names. When a teacher asks if everything is okay at home, the child forces a smile and says, “My parent is just having a bad day.”

4. Justifying the abuser’s harmful behavior

People in a trauma bond often defend the abuser’s behavior. They might say the mistreatment isn’t intentional, but rather the result of stress, a bad mood, or past hardships.

Rather than seeing the abuse for what it is, they try to make sense of it in a way that feels less harmful. This happens because the brain wants to believe the relationship is good. The person may think that if they understand and forgive the abuser, things will get better.

Over time, justifying the abuse can make it harder to recognize how harmful the relationship really is.

5. Puts the abuser’s wants above their own

Putting the abuser’s wants above their own is one of the common signs of trauma bonding. A person in this situation prioritizes the abuser’s needs, feelings, and desires over their own.

They may ignore their own emotions, personal goals, or even basic needs to keep the abuser happy and avoid conflict.

This can look like someone always agreeing with the abuser, even when they don’t want to. For example, a teenager might cancel plans with friends because their controlling partner says, “You should only spend time with me.” 

Or a child might stay quiet about being hurt because they don’t want to upset a parent who is already stressed.

This happens because the person fears losing the abuser’s approval or making them angry. Over time, they may feel like their own needs don’t matter. They might stop making choices for themselves and instead focus on pleasing the abuser.

They believe that this will keep the relationship stable and safe.

6. Constantly seeking the abuser’s approval

In a trauma bond, a person often works hard to gain the abuser’s approval. They may believe that if they can make the abuser happy, the hurtful behavior will stop.

The cycle of love and rejection that the abuser creates can make the other person desperate for validation. Signs of this include always trying to please the abuser or feeling anxious when the abuser is unhappy.

For example, a child with a harsh parent might go out of their way to do chores perfectly, hoping for a rare compliment. Or a partner in an abusive relationship may constantly ask, “Are you mad at me?” because they fear being ignored or punished.

The person starts to feel like their happiness and self-worth depend on keeping the abuser pleased.

7. Not wanting to leave the relationship

A person in a trauma bond may know they are being hurt, but leaving can still feel impossible. Even if they recognize the abuse, they may feel emotionally attached to the abuser.

Leaving is difficult because the person may fear being alone, worry about what will happen to the abuser, or believe they won’t find love or support elsewhere. In some cases, the abuser may have convinced them that no one else will care for them.

Staying in the relationship can lead to long-term emotional scars, anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems.

8. Isolating self from supportive relationships

In a trauma bond, the abuser tries to keep the victim away from family and friends. They may do this by saying things like, “They don’t really care about you,” or “I’m the only one who truly understands you.”

Over time, the victim may start to believe this and pull away from their loved ones. The abuser does this to make the victim depend only on them. When the victim has no one else to turn to, they feel stuck in the relationship.

They may stop talking to friends, avoid family events, or feel guilty for spending time with others. Without support, the victim may feel alone and afraid of what will happen if they try to leave.

9. Emotional highs and lows 

Trauma bonding creates a rollercoaster of emotions for both the abuser and the victim. The relationship swings between extreme highs — when the abuser is loving, apologetic, and caring — and painful lows — when they are cruel, distant, or abusive.

This feels confusing and exhausting for the victim. One moment, they feel loved and special; the next, they feel hurt and rejected. Because the highs feel so good, they try to overlook or justify the lows.

For the abuser, these emotional swings give them control. When they are kind, they keep the victim attached. When they are cruel, they break the victim’s confidence and make them more dependent.

10. Gaslighting

Research shows that gaslighting happens when someone manipulates another person into doubting their own thoughts and feelings. As a result, the victim feels confused and powerless. Over time, this lowers the victim’s self-esteem and makes them dependent on the abuser for a sense of reality [*].

The manipulation in gaslighting fuels trauma bonding by causing the victim to seek reassurance and love from the very person distorting their reality.

For example, in a romantic relationship, an abuser may repeatedly lie about their actions, saying, “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things” when confronted about their hurtful behavior.

In family relationships, a parent might tell their child, “You’re too sensitive” or “You always make things up” after saying something hurtful. If the child starts to believe they are overreacting, they may ignore their own pain and continue seeking their parent’s approval.

In friendships, a gaslighting friend may break a promise or betray your trust, but when you remind them, they say, “I never said that,” or “You’re remembering it wrong.” This makes you doubt your own memory. 

The Bottom Line

Healing from a trauma-bonded relationship takes time, but it is possible. The first step is recognizing the pattern and naming it for what it is. This will help break the illusion that things will change on their own.

If you or someone you know is still in an abusive relationship, planning for safety is a priority. It’s also important to reconnect with friends, family, or a support group. If possible, reduce or cut off contact with the abuser and set firm boundaries.

Remember that seeking professional support can be life-changing. An expert trained in trauma-focused therapy can help victims rebuild their self-worth and create a healthier future. We all deserve relationships that uplift and support us!

If you are supporting kids and teens who have experienced trauma, having the right tools can make a difference in their healing journey. Download our Trauma Worksheets here.

References:

1. Shaughnessy, E. V., Simons, R. M., Simons, J. S., & Freeman, H. (2023). Risk factors for traumatic bonding and associations with PTSD symptoms: A moderated mediation. Child Abuse & Neglect, 144, 106390. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.106390
2. Winston, R., & Chicot, R. (2016). The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children. London Journal of Primary Care, 8(1), 12. https://doi.org/10.1080/17571472.2015.1133012
3. Bellomare, M., Genova, V. G., & Miano, P. (2024). Gaslighting Exposure During Emerging Adulthood: Personality Traits and Vulnerability Paths. International Journal of Psychological Research, 17(1), 29. https://doi.org/10.21500/20112084.6306