Research on the Impact of Comparing Your Child to Others

Have you ever wondered how comparing your child to other kids may affect them? A study published in Frontiers in Psychology examined this question.

579 parents and teens in China participated in a survey, which investigated the effects of parental comparisons on teens’ self-esteem and the influence of optimism.

It found that when parents compare their child to “better” kids, teens are more likely to compare themselves to their peers in the same way. This comparison can make them feel like they don’t measure up.

Another interesting finding is that optimism can make a difference. Those who have a positive outlook on life are better able to handle comparisons. Instead of feeling discouraged, they may see differences as opportunities to improve.

Understanding the Research

The study took place at a junior high school in Guangzhou, China. Researchers invited students from all grades to participate, and both the students and their parents agreed to be part of the study.

The students filled out online questionnaires that asked about:

• How often their parents compare them to other children
• How often they compare themselves to peers who seem “better”
• Their feelings toward themselves (self-esteem)
• How positive or optimistic they generally feel about life

Here’s what the researchers discovered:

• Teens exposed to parental comparisons to “better” children were more prone to compare themselves with peers similarly.
• Making comparisons with higher-achieving or “better-off” peers left teens feeling they didn’t measure up. This lowered their self-esteem.
• Teens who were more optimistic were better able to handle comparisons. As a result, they felt less discouraged.
• Older teens were more likely to compare themselves more than younger teens, while younger teens generally had higher optimism.
• Boys showed slightly higher optimism than girls in this study.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Caregivers

As we’ve learned, comparison can often do the opposite of what we hope. As parents and caregivers, we want to see our children succeed and be happy, and the good news is that we can inspire growth in a healthier, more positive way.

Focus your conversations on growth and personal milestones

Try talking about what your child is doing well and how they’re improving. For example, notice the effort they put into a project or the way they practiced a new skill.

Doing this helps your child learn that their value is not about being better than someone else. It’s about giving their best.

Encourage goal setting

Helping your child set their own goals gives them a sense of control over their future. When your child sets goals, it’s important they focus on their own progress.

They can start by writing goals down and separating them into short-term and long-term objectives. Short-term goals provide quick wins that build confidence, while long-term goals give them something to work toward over time.

Feel free to check out our handouts: Goal-Focused Thinking for Resilience and Goal Setting Tips for Success.

Teach coping strategies so they feel capable.

In life, your child will encounter situations where others (teachers, friends, or even strangers) might make them feel like they don’t measure up. We can’t always control what others say to them, but we can equip our children with tools to handle these challenging moments.

For example, you can help them remind themselves of their strengths. Teach them to practice self-forgiveness when they make mistakes. They can also use affirmations or phrases like “I am capable” or “I am enough” to help shift their mindset.

The researchers are also suggesting that studying different cultures and communities may show whether these findings apply everywhere or only in certain places.

Support your child’s self-esteem by downloading our Self-Esteem Worksheets for Kids and Teens. These resources will help them reflect on their strengths and practice positive thinking.