Relational Aggression in Schools

Relational aggression in school can be just as damaging to your child’s psyche as physical bullying. While jokes and teasing are easy to dismiss, relational bullying can quickly evolve into harassment.

As a parent, recognizing the signs of relational aggression is critical to creating a supportive environment. In this guide, we’ll dive deep into the signs and effects of relational aggression and what you can do to help.

What is Relational Aggression?

Relational aggression manifests as manipulative behaviors used to damage relationships using threats or harm [*]. It is a non-physical form of bullying that is often hard to detect because it is discreet.

Relational aggression can occur in different forms:

• Reactive relational aggression: The person may assume they are being made fun of or humiliated and react impulsively, angrily, and by spreading rumors.
• Proactive relational aggression: The person may plan the aggressive behaviors without provocation and aim to achieve a specific outcome.
• Romantic relational aggression: The person may manipulate or cause psychological harm to an intimate partner. They create distrust and codependency within the relationship.
• Peer-directed relational aggression: The person may target someone they consider to be on the “same level.” They might dismiss opinions or make their peers feel guilty.

Examples of Relational Aggression in Schools

Relational aggression is common in schools and typically involves starting rumors, ostracizing others, or using social media to harass others. Some examples of relational aggression in schools include:

• Exclusion and social isolation: Deliberately leaving someone out of a friend group, ignoring someone who is speaking to them, or threatening to stop being friends with someone if they don’t do what they’re told.
• Rumors and gossip: Spreading false information about someone, using derogatory language toward someone, or being openly prejudicial about someone’s racial or spiritual background.
• Cyberbullying: Using social media to ostracize someone, posting someone else’s personal information, or writing mean or humiliating comments on someone else’s posts.

How Can I Tell If My Child is Experiencing Relational Aggression?

Because relational aggression is often subtle, it can be challenging to notice when your child is on the receiving end of this behavior. Sometimes, others may dismiss relational aggression as “normative” behavior.

Social media has also made it more difficult to notice signs of relational aggression, especially when children hide their profiles from parents and teachers. Thus, it’s critical to be observant.

Some signs your child might be experiencing relational aggression include:

• Unexplained changes in behavior, such as being socially withdrawn, often irritable, and self-isolation
• Anxiety and depression
• Difficulties concentrating in school or increased academic failures
• Engaging in substance use
• Somatic symptoms like headaches and stomachaches

Who are the Most Common Targets of Relational Aggression?

While bullying in schools is common across all ages, peer bullying is most common among children in the 6th to 8th grade [*].

• Girls: Relational aggression is more often observed in girls, who are likelier than boys to use name-calling, teasing, rumors, and social media attacks [*]. Girls are also more often aware and distressed by relational aggression.
• Young people: Relational aggression might be most common among youths because of how highly they value social relationships. Because they are new to maintaining interpersonal relationships, they feel more obliged to fit in and satisfy others.
• Students: School-aged kids are also still developing their social skills and can be prone to falling victim to manipulative behaviors.
• Children with developmental issues: Developmental challenges, such as poor social-psychological adjustments, can further cause problems with a child’s mental health and ability to control aggressive behaviors. Children with speech/language delays and emotional dysregulation can become frustrated easily and struggle to relate to others.

How Does Relational Aggression Impact Children?

The effects of relational aggression impact both the victim and the aggressor. In particular, victims of relational aggression experience significant emotional damage—particularly to their self-esteem. Social rejection can significantly impact a child’s sense of self and belonging.

Here are other ways relational aggression can impact a victim:

Emotional:

• Feeling unworthy or inadequate of others’ attention and acceptance
• Loneliness and social withdrawal
• Anxiety over being ridiculed or humiliated
• Inability to trust others for fear of being hurt or manipulated
• Constant sadness, hopelessness, and depression

Mental:

• Increased stress and emotional dysregulation
• Poor self-worth and a lost identity
• Becoming avoidant or submissive in social situations
• Increased risk of developing anxiety, depression, or suicide ideation

Academic:

• Sudden drop in academic performance
• Inability to focus in class or on homework
• Frequent desire to stay home
• Avoidance of school-related activities
• Struggles to engage in group work

On the other hand, aggressors might become socially inept, especially when they experience rejection from peers. They may struggle to develop friendships in the future and fall into depression. Aggressors might also have poor impulse control and be unable to manage their anger.

How Can Parents and Teachers Help Children Deal with Relational Aggression?

It’s not easy for a child to share their woes with their parents. To encourage them to open up, it’s vital to create a safe and supportive environment where they can do that. Here are some ways to help your child when they experience relational aggression.

Improve Their Communication Skills

Children who don’t “fight back” often lack the assertion and communication skills to do so. Empower your child to speak up by setting firm boundaries, expressing their feelings, and using “I” statements to avoid conflict.

For example, your child might tell a bully, “It really hurts my feelings when you leave me out of group activities. I just want to be friends with everyone here.”

You should also teach your child when it’s more appropriate to walk away, such as when there is a threat of immediate violence. Use our assertiveness handout to teach your child how to respect feedback from others, listen actively, and be straight to the point.

Equip Them With Coping Strategies

When children are victims of relational aggression, it can be challenging for them to react gracefully. Teaching them appropriate coping strategies can help them protect themselves emotionally and prevent the situation from escalating.

For emotional regulation, you can teach a child simple mindfulness and meditation exercises to help them stay grounded. Teach them to reframe negative thoughts like “No one likes me,” into something more reflective of reality, such as “Someone is being really unkind to me right now, but I can rely on my other friends.”

Encourage Them to Ask for Help

Some children may feel averse to asking for help for fear of retaliation from their bullies. When you normalize the act of asking for help, they may feel more comfortable confiding in their teachers or counselors.

Use positive language to remind them that asking for help doesn’t make them weak. Let them know that it’s okay to ask for help, and that even the strongest, most self-reliant people need help sometimes.

Validate their feelings when they express the need for support. For instance, you might say “I see how this might make you upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

Speak to Your Child’s School Counselor

Relational aggression in schools is common, but it shouldn't be ignored. If necessary, you can advocate for your child by reaching out to their school counselor.

Express your concerns and the impact these incidents have had on your child. Ask open-ended questions about the school’s policy and work on a plan together. Their counselor might suggest in-class monitoring or introduce social-emotional learning for all students.

The Bottom Line

Because of its subtle and sneaky nature, relational bullying in schools often goes unnoticed. It’s critical to stay alert and observant.

If your child is struggling with relational aggression, you should intervene early. Incorporate our social skills worksheets into their learning processes to help them improve their relationships with others.

Sources:

1. Bushman BJ, O’Brien EH. “Relational Aggression.” Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology, 2017.
2. Jankauskiene R, et al. “Social Behavior and Personality.” Scientific Journal Publishers, 2009.
3. Centifanti L, Fanti K, Thomson N, Demetriou V, Anastassiou-Hadjicharalambous X. “Types of Relational Aggression in Girls Are Differentiated by Callous-Unemotional Traits, Peers and Parental Overcontrol.” Behavioral Sciences, 2015.