How to Handle Jealousy in Children

Jealousy is a common emotion for both children and adults. However, handling jealousy in children can be tricky, especially when they’ve internalized negative feelings.

Thankfully, with the right strategies in place and a complete understanding of what causes jealousy in children, you can redirect your child toward a more positive self-view. Addressing jealousy early helps children build resilience, improve their self-awareness, and shape them into better friends.

Learn more about what triggers jealousy and what you can do to support your child.

Understanding Jealousy in Children

Jealousy is a natural but occasionally complicated emotion that many children experience. This jealousy might stem from insecurity or a desire for attention. Children might express their jealousy through tantrums, withdrawals, or even physical symptoms.

Parents need to understand jealousy in their children, as it will help them guide their children toward healthy emotional development. When parents address their children’s jealousy, they are in a better position to teach emotional literacy.

Common Causes of Jealousy in Children

There are many reasons why a child might feel jealous—they might want attention, feel insecure because of a peer or sibling, and other environmental factors.

Sibling Rivalry

While sibling rivalry is typical among brothers and sisters, it can cause deep-seated insecurities and extreme jealousy. If one sibling feels another sibling receives more positive affection from their parents, they may become jealous.

They may also experience this jealousy if another sibling gets a privilege they don’t, which they may perceive as unfair.

Parental Comparison

Parental comparison and favoritism can trigger significant feelings of worthlessness, unappreciation, and a sense of abandonment in children [*]. When a parent compares one child to another, the “inferior” child may struggle with their self-worth and become jealous of the other child. They may feel that this comparison is unfair, especially when their efforts aren’t being recognized.

Peer Relationships

Jealousy within peer relationships is extremely common, especially when a child seeks approval from another. As children grow older, they yearn for unique and exclusive friendships. When they feel another person is threatening their relationship with a friend, they may become jealous and defensive.

This jealousy can lead to negative behaviors like gossiping, spreading rumors, and even ostracizing someone they perceive as their “rival.”

Feeling Excluded or Left Out

It’s not uncommon for children to experience social competition, especially as they start elementary school and form unique friend groups. However, being ostracized can have a significant adverse effect on how a child perceives themselves. Feeling left out can make them jealous of more popular peers or envious of activities they aren’t part of.

Signs of a Jealous Child

It’s important to be aware of the signs of jealousy in a child, though sometimes, these signs can be subtle. Here are some common signs your child may be experiencing jealousy at home or within their friend group:

• Anger outbursts that include hitting, bullying, or teasing
• Making negative comparisons between themselves and others
• An excessive need to be the center of attention
• Purposely misbehaving for attention
• Being overly critical of others as a projection or a defense mechanism
• Withdrawing socially or becoming less supportive of their friends
• Constantly feeling anxious and insecure

Addressing Jealousy in Children

When left unaddressed, jealousy can quickly become overwhelming. It can affect a child’s self-esteem and self-image in the long run. Thus, it’s critical for parents to provide emotional support and equip their children with the right skills. Here are a few things you can do to address jealousy issues.

Identify the cause

It’s best to get to the root of the problem. After all, your child has to be jealous of something. Encourage exploration by asking open-ended questions. For example, you might ask your child, “What was going on before you felt this way?” or “What are you worried might happen?”

Listen actively and give your child your full attention. Once appropriate, shift their focus toward a solution. If they’ve been comparing themselves to others, celebrate their uniqueness!

Validate their feelings

Validate your child’s emotions. Remind them that jealousy is a normal, human emotion, and allow them to ride the wave of their feelings.

If your child hasn’t fully expanded their emotional vocabulary, help them label their feelings with a feeling list. When they start coming to terms with how they feel, empathize with them and use phrases to encourage reflection. For instance, you might say, “I understand why you might feel that way. I would also feel left out if my friends didn’t want to play with me.”

Don’t compare

When discussing jealousy with your child, don’t compare them to others. Comparison might be what’s causing their jealousy in the first place. Instead, focus on your child’s inherent problem and the root cause of it.

Find positive alternatives, such as appreciating their positive qualities and encouraging communication between themselves and their friends.

Spend dedicated time

Spending time with your child is a simple and enjoyable way to reduce feelings of jealousy. Discover what your child loves to do and do it with them, whether that be learning to cook, engaging in arts and crafts, or spending time outdoors.

In the same thread, create downtime and enjoy doing “nothing” together. Spending quiet time together while engaged in different activities communicates that you value being with them, even if you aren’t doing anything “productive” or working toward a specific goal.

Focus on their strengths

Jealousy is often the result of poor self-esteem. As a parent, there’s a lot you can do to improve your child’s view of themselves, such as providing specific praise. Don’t just applaud achievements, either. Let them know you notice their efforts. For example, you might praise them for dedicating more time to a specific hobby or improving at a particular skill.

When to Seek Professional Help

While jealousy in most children will pass with reassurance and guidance, there may come a point when professional help is necessary.

You might consider consulting your child’s pediatrician or seeking help from a mental health professional if your child is experiencing intense and frequent jealousy that hasn’t improved in a long time. Alternatively, your child’s jealousy might become pathological or obsessive [*].

Observe whether your child’s jealousy is interfering with their daily life. Is it disrupting their schoolwork? Are you noticing mood changes at home? Are they withdrawing from their friends?

Consider physical symptoms, too. Sometimes, a child’s jealousy becomes so immense that it can affect their physical health. They might develop headaches, stomachaches, or trouble sleeping.

The Bottom Line

Every child will experience jealousy in their lifetime, especially as they meet new people and encounter new situations. While it’s a normal part of life, your child doesn’t have to feel stuck in their jealous feelings. By spending quality time with your child, focusing on their strengths, and addressing their core issues, you can help them develop healthy emotional habits and good self-esteem.

Help improve your child’s confidence with our self-esteem worksheets! Use these fun activities to help your child break out of negative thought cycles and focus on their positive attributes.

FAQs

Is jealousy normal in kids?

Yes, jealousy is normal in kids, especially among siblings and peers. It may arise from feelings of insecurity or competition.

At what age does jealousy usually appear?

Jealousy can appear as early as five to six months of age. During this time, children might exhibit distress when their caregivers direct attention to someone other than themselves.

Sources:

1. Jensen AC, Whiteman SD, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS. “Life Still Isn’t Fair”: Parental Differential Treatment of Young Adult Siblings.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 2013.
2. Seeman M. “Pathological Jealousy: An Interactive Condition.” Psychiatry, 2016.