What Is Eggshell Parenting?

Eggshell parenting may be a relatively new term, but there is a reason for the rise in its popularity in the world of parenting. It is a parenting style prevalent among those parents who have not healed from their own negative experiences growing up. These experiences often lead to the inability to regulate one’s emotions, which can unfortunately carry over into the eggshell parent’s approach to child rearing. In this article, you will learn what eggshell parenting means, what consequences it bears for the children raised by an eggshell parent, and how to stop being an eggshell parent.

What Is Eggshell Parenting?

A term made known by psychologist Kim Sage, Psy.D, eggshell parenting is a highly inconsistent parenting style that often contributes to an unstable and volatile climate in the household. This kind of climate causes children to feel as though they have to walk on eggshells to prevent the eggshell parent from lashing out at them or becoming upset. Thus, unpredictability forms the basis of this parenting style.

What Is an Eggshell Parent Like?

What are the signs of eggshell parenting? You might be considered an eggshell parent if you possess the following characteristics:

• Unpredictability. Your children find it hard to anticipate your every move. They may be unable to discern what you’re really feeling or thinking. If your child seems to fear what you are going to say or do next, then you might be perceived as unpredictable.
• Emotional reactivity. If you find your moods changing erratically within hours or days, then you might be an eggshell parent to your children. In addition, eggshell parenting is often characterized by the tendency to react so strongly to minor problems, situations, or inconveniences.
• Inconsistency. Have you ever noticed that you feel like being warm and nurturing to your child one minute but cold and harsh the next? If the answer is yes, then you may be exhibiting the trait of inconsistency with your child.
• Unrealistic expectations. Although many parents are prone to having high standards for their kids, eggshell parents are more likely than not to set standards that are unrealistic to the extent that the child cannot possibly meet those expectations.
• Lack of communication. The inability to express your thoughts and feelings is one of the signs of eggshell parenting. If you find that your child is hesitant or reluctant to express themselves to you, it may be because they fear how you will react. This may stem from a lack of communication of your own responses on your part.
• Excessive criticism. If you’re an eggshell parent, you may tend to focus on what your child did wrong and neglect what they did well on. However, it is important for all parents not just to help their kids improve on certain areas in their life or on certain behaviors but also to acknowledge and affirm their strengths.

What Causes Someone to Become an Eggshell Parent?

Emerging theories about eggshell parenting assert that the eggshell parent’s behavior is most likely the best way for them to regulate and soothe themselves. More often than not, eggshell parenting becomes the case if the parent has unresolved issues from their own upbringing. They may have lived in an unstable household, much like the environment that their children is immersed in. Because these issues of having grown up that way have never been resolved, the eggshell parent might not have learned how to manage their feelings in an appropriate manner.

How Eggshell Parenting Impacts a Child’s Development

If the eggshell parent is unable to be more consistent and predictable in their parenting approach, it may negatively affect how the child will turn out later on. One possibility is that your kid may become a highly sensitive child, prone to anxiety, depression, and unstable moods. If you practice eggshell parenting, there may also be signs that your child do not respect you, possibly evidenced by the hostility they direct at you or the lack of boundaries that they demonstrate with you.

However, the most prevalent outcome of eggshell parenting is the concept of parentification. Parentified children are described as those who sacrifice their own needs to accommodate the needs of their parent. Thus, they end up becoming the parent in the family. Unfortunately, parentification leads to the child being unable to construct an independent identity, often failing to perceive their own capabilities in a realistic manner. They may also feel inadequate, suffering from low self-esteem. Finally, they may end up becoming hypervigilant and hyperaware of their own feelings and energy, likely because parentified children often try to prioritize the eggshell parent’s own needs and emotions over the child’s own [*].

Examples of Eggshell Parenting

Now that you have learned about the common characteristics shared by eggshell parents, you may wonder how these qualities manifest in real life. The unpredictability and emotional reactivity that characterizes an eggshell parent could be exemplified by a parent who congratulates their child for performing well in school but then yells at them for not doing any better. Another example of eggshell parenting is coming home from work stressed and lashing out at one’s child; however, the next day, the parent acts as though nothing happened. Both examples depict the inconsistency commonly associated with eggshell parenting.

How to Break the Eggshell Parenting Cycle

Fortunately, it is possible to break the vicious cycle of eggshell parenting. The following are some techniques to help you learn how to stop being an eggshell parent.

Become more self-aware

Self-awareness pertains to the capacity to see yourself more clearly and realistically. It also involves paying attention to your emotional, cognitive, and behavioral responses to different situations [*]. To develop self-awareness, consider the following:

• Ask for constructive feedback from others. You can seek feedback from your co-parent, your friends, and even your children about the things that you do well as a parent, as well as those areas that need improvement in terms of your parenting style.
• Pause and reflect on your reactions. Your reactions encompass thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, so engage in introspection on each of these components of reactions. What often causes you to feel upset? What makes you happy or sad? What does your child do that may make you feel angry? Thinking about your responses to these questions is a step toward managing the unpredictable emotional reactivity that is commonly associated with eggshell parenting.
• Think about your intentions as a parent. What motivates you to become a good parent? Before you became a parent, what were the things that your own parents did that you vowed never to do yourself once you have children? More importantly, what kind of childhood would you like for your child to experience and have? Asking yourself these questions will help you stay on-track with your goals and objectives in parenting your children.

Consider repairing conflicts

As an eggshell parent, you may not have the best emotional bond with your children, but any day is as good as any to start forging that close connection with them. Perhaps you can sit with them one day and simply ask how they have been doing recently; this would be a good start. You can also try to make amends by apologizing for your shortcomings as a parent and by making a commitment with them to communicate what you are feeling and thinking better.

Over time, once a better relationship with your child gradually unfolds, you can learn about mindful parenting. Mindful parenting is characterized by your efforts to practice active listening with your children, giving them a safe space to talk about what they think, feel, and experience. In becoming a more mindful parent, you will be able to repair the conflicts that you have had with your children, and eventually, they will grow to be less of a highly sensitive child with you and with others.

Find ways to manage your own stress

Eggshell parenting often occurs because the parent may not have found the best or the most appropriate ways to regulate their emotions. There are many ways to manage stress; the following are some basic techniques for stress management:

• Avoid unnecessary stress. Although this is not always practical or feasible to do, there may be some stressors in your life that you have the opportunity to remove from your life. Learn how to say no, take control of your environment, and avoid hot-button topics or people who stress you out.
• Alter your situation. Try to express your feelings instead of bottling them up or lashing out at your children at the most inopportune times. If someone or something is bothering you, communicate what you feel with openness and respect. Another way to alter your situation is to be more willing to compromise and assert yourself. Deal with your problems head-on, and be willing to change your behavior when asking someone to do the same for you.
• Adapt to the stressor. Reframe your problems or stressors by trying to view them from a more positive perspective. Look at the big picture, too: Ask yourself whether this stressful situation will be important or relevant to you in the long run. If the answer is no, redirect your time and energy somewhere else. Finally, set more realistic standards and expectations. Learn to be okay with being good enough, and learn to be okay with the efforts of those who surround you.
• Accept the things you can’t change. Avoid exerting effort in trying to control the uncontrollable. Instead, focus on what you can control, such as how you choose to react to your problems. In addition, you can also express what you’re going through; this can prove cathartic for you. Finally, learn to forgive; people are imperfect, and they make mistakes. With that said, let go of whatever lingering anger and resentment you have. Forgive and move on.

Seek help from external sources

After reading this article, you may feel down on yourself for being an eggshell parent. However, it is important to note that you are doing your best and that you are making an effort to be a better parent just by reading this article. You can browse our website for more parenting tips, such as tips for parenting an anxious child and the different rules when parenting an angry child.

Alternatively, you can also seek professional help. Whether it is individual therapy for yourself to cope with the negative experiences you have had in the past or family therapy to help you become a better parent for your child, counseling and psychotherapy can definitely make a positive impact on you and your family by not just helping you on how to stop being an eggshell parent but also by facilitating insight and action to be a more functional and emotionally stable human being.

The Bottom Line

Being a parent can be challenging, especially when you have not healed or recovered from your own negative experiences as a child, having to carry those old wounds into adulthood. However, it is crucial to realize that part and parcel of parenting is making sure that you protect your child from the pain and suffering that you had to deal with in the past. With that said, do not worry; there is still hope for you and your relationship with your child to heal and recover. You can explore our collection of digital mental health resources for kids and teens, which can serve as avenues for you to build a better relationship with your child. Taking small actions to improve can make a big difference in the development of a child.

References:

1. Castro DM, Jones RA, and Mirsalimi H. Parentification and the imposter phenomenon: An empirical investigation. 2004.
2. Eurich T. What self-awareness really is (and how to cultivate it). 4 January 2018.