How to Help Your Child Improve Impulse Control

“Mom, I want it now!” is a phrase every parent hears from their child. Kids can be notoriously impatient, but impulse control in children can help prevent problematic behaviors in the future.

Learning how to control impulsive behavior in children can make them better decision-makers and make them less likely to say or do something they might later regret. In this article, we’ll learn the symptoms of poor impulse control in children and what you can do to help them.

What is Impulse Control in Children?

Impulse control in children refers to an individual’s ability to stop engaging in certain behaviors, such as hitting, yelling offensive words, or acting out when angry or frustrated.

Extremely poor impulse control can lead to impulse control disorders (ICD), wherein children become susceptible to behaviors like destroying property, stealing, or breaking the rules and laws.

ICDs can manifest as the following types:

• Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Children with ODD are uncooperative and openly rebellious. They may act hostile toward people of authority [*].
• Intermittent explosive disorder. Children may experience anger outbursts or become aggressive toward others.
• Conduct disorder. Children may demonstrate aggression patterns toward others and constantly violate social norms [*].

Why is Impulse Control Important in Children?

Impulse control is the foundation for keeping children self-disciplined and self-reliant. Children without impulse control risk making poor life decisions and may struggle to maintain relationships. Thus, by emphasizing the importance of impulse control, they can:

• Better express themselves to others
• Become independent and capable
• Succeed in school and professional settings
• Think of better ways to solve problems
• Better manage stress and frustration

At What Age Do Kids Develop Impulse Control?

Research shows children develop self-control between 3.5 and 4 years [*]. However, mastering this skill is a multi-step process that can take years.

• 18 months: The process of learning delayed gratification begins.
• 2 years: Children may throw objects and shout but are more receptive to instructions from their parents and caregivers.
• 4 years: The emotional and impulsive part of the brain begins to develop.
• 8+ years: Children learn to express their feelings verbally and become more patient when waiting their turn.

There are also slight differences in impulse control development between boys and girls. Young girls tend to demonstrate higher levels of impulse control than boys, but both can eventually achieve the same level of academic achievement [*].

Children struggle with physical impulses at a very young age. They might hit others when they are frustrated or feel the urge to be rowdy in public spaces. However, with practice and consistent discipline, children can gain better control over these impulses as teenagers.

Still, teenagers without a robust support system or access to professional guidance may be verbally impulsive, saying unkind things when angry or frustrated.

Children are more likely to develop impulse control disorders under the following circumstances:

• Genetics. Children with biological parents with mood disorders or similar struggles with impulse control are more likely to develop ICDs. Children with ADHD and antisocial personality disorder are also more likely to develop the condition
• Environment. Low socioeconomic status, exposure to community violence, bullying, and childhood neglect can increase a child’s probability of developing ICDs.
• Biological factors. Children with naturally high cortisol levels may be more prone to developing ICDs.

In addition, while there is no hard evidence that children with OCD are more impulsive than others, compulsivity and impulsivity can be loosely related [*]. Kids with OCD may act on their obsessions and are more likely to if they already have poor impulse control.

Note that children with OCPD vs. OCD are more likely to acknowledge their impulses, as the former predisposes children to want to achieve perfection.

Signs a Child May Struggle with Impulse Control

Many parents and caretakers may pose the question: “Is my child impulsive to a normal degree, or do they have an impulse control disorder?” These symptoms we list may help you distinguish between the two:

• Constantly lying
• Stealing or kleptomania
• Eating compulsively, undereating, or overeating
• Explosive anger and regular aggression
• Harming others
• Destroying property
• Academic and social problems at school
• Fighting with peers

How to Help Your Child Improve Their Impulse Control

Children with poor impulse control can still learn to self-regulate—there are many ways you can offer support and help them develop healthier habits and coping mechanisms.

Help your children label their feelings

Children may become impulsive because they don’t understand their feelings. Teaching a child to label their emotions with a tool like the Feelings Alphabet will teach them to express themselves instead of acting on their impulses.

Instead of hitting you when angry, your child might say, “I’m angry, and I want to hit something.” When children express themselves, a parent or caretaker can validate these feelings and help them find a better outlet.

Establish household rules

Establishing concrete household rules provides children with a stable and predictable environment. You can steer them in the right direction by making your expectations of them clear. Through structure, children can make better-informed decisions about their behavior.

Create a visual chart, set phone reminders, or put up a chore wheel for the entire family to make your rules easy to follow.

Discuss anger management

When children can’t tolerate frustration, they tend to have outbursts. By helping them understand anger as a secondary emotion, they can better understand why they feel a certain way. They will also become inclined to develop healthier coping skills like finding physical outlets or practicing mindfulness.

Addressing anger issues in early childhood can prevent toxic behaviors in the future and encourage kids to make kinder choices [*].

Demonstrate restraint and good behavior

Children learn a lot from their role models—demonstrating restraint can help them develop a productive internal monologue. For example, you can share that you’ve wanted to make a frivolous purchase like a new gadget or shoes but will first save money to make this feasible.

Play impulse control games

Impulse control games teach children to adhere to the rules, typically for a reward like praise. Playing games like Simon Says, Red Light, Green Light, and Follow the Leader gamifies the process and makes it more enjoyable for children.

Practice mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness helps children develop cognitive control, as they can be in the moment without acting on their emotions. Engaging your child in different mindfulness exercises, such as deep, focused breathing, sensory exercises, and structured play, can teach them to regulate their emotions and think about their actions.

Solve problems together

Instead of giving your child answers when they come to you with a problem, go through the motions with them. For instance, suppose your child arranged a play date with a friend but suddenly had the opportunity to see a show on the same day.

Ask them open-ended questions that will encourage them to reflect on the consequences of their actions. For example, “How do you think your friend might feel if you cancel your plans?” or “Do you think your friend will also be interested in seeing the show? Is that a possibility?”

Together, you can evaluate which solution will be most effective. Working through problems together will teach children to reflect on the possibilities before acting on their impulses.

Develop a reward system

Praising your child for good behavior can help them build self-esteem and encourage them to embody positive choices. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your reward system.

For instance, you can develop a “points” system where children can earn points to exchange for rewards like an ice cream at their favorite shop or a new toy.

Get parent management training

Parent management training (PMT) equips caregivers with the skills to help their children eliminate unwanted behaviors and reinforce positive ones. The concept is based on operant training, which focuses on developing strategies and principles to respond to basic human functioning.

PMT aims to create a practical reward system for positive behaviors and enables parents to influence their children’s behaviors without being controlling.

When to Seek Professional Help Impulse Control Issues

While you can address impulsive behavior in children at home, there may come a time when therapy is necessary. However, you don’t have to wait for symptoms to become severe—the earlier you address impulse control issues, the more likely you can prevent them.

Here are instances in which you should consider professional help for impulse control issues in children:

• Your child’s behavior is negatively affecting their daily life
• Your child is becoming physically violent toward themselves and others
• Your child compulsively lies and manipulates
• Your child is demonstrating signs of secondary conditions or issues like depression and anxiety

A medical professional might recommend cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) to help your child identify and assess the emotions that cause their impulses. CBT will put the whys behind your child’s actions in perspective and teach them to adopt healthier thinking patterns.

Your child’s therapist might also recommend exposure and response prevention (ERP) to help children manage intrusive thoughts and preoccupations related to their impulses.

The Bottom Line

While impulse control disorders aren’t always preventable, managing them in early childhood can increase your child’s chances of succeeding. It can be challenging to parent a child who demonstrates aggression and defiant behavior, but you aren’t alone.

Starting early or discussing solutions with a healthcare provider can lead to healthier habits for your child. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor questions.

Sources:

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3. Tao T, Wang L, Fan C, Gao W. “Development of self-control in children aged 3 to 9 years: Perspective from a dual-systems model.” Scientific Reports, 2014.
4. Mustaffa MS. “Attention, Impulsiveness, and Gender in Academic Achievement Among Typically Developing Children.” Perceptual and Motor Skills, 2019.
5. Grassi G, Pallanti S, Righi L, et al. “Think twice: Impulsivity and decision making in obsessive-compulsive disorder.” Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2015.
6. Mary Margaret Gleason, Goldson E, Yogman MW, et al. “Addressing Early Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems.” PEDIATRICS, 2016.