Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill from DBT.
Unchangeable situations require the use of radical acceptance.
Kids and teens can be guided in overcoming negative self-talk and learning radical acceptance strategies.
As parents and caregivers, we want to shield our children from pain, but we know it’s not always possible. Instead of getting caught up in the "why me" or "it's not fair" mindset, children can be taught to focus on accepting the situation they’re in while also managing their emotions. For those wondering, what is radical acceptance? This article offers a helpful explanation.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill within Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that involves recognizing and accepting the reality of a situation despite the pain and discomfort it’s causing you [*]. For kids and teens, these situations might include parents divorcing, moving to a new environment, or facing academic pressures.
Problems are a normal part of life, and using radical acceptance techniques can make these difficulties more manageable. As we practice non-attachment — not being overly fixated on emotions or outcomes — we can see things as they are, and not as we wish them to be.
Both may seem related, but radical acceptance and forgiveness are different concepts. Whereas radical acceptance is all about acknowledging reality as it is, forgiveness involves letting go of resentment towards someone who has wronged you.
Here’s an example: One day, your teenager discovers that their friend has been spreading rumors about them in school. They felt hurt and betrayed.
Radical acceptance for your teen would sound like this: “This situation is painful, but I can't change what has happened. I need to accept that my friend’s actions have affected our friendship.”
Forgiveness, on the other hand, would involve your teen working through their emotions to let go of resentment towards their friend. Your teen might say, “They really hurt me by spreading those rumors, and it's been hard to trust them again. However, I don't want to carry this anger with me anymore. I choose to forgive them.”
Signs of Lack of Acceptance
Certain thought patterns and behaviors may indicate resistance or a denial of reality, and these can prevent a person from moving forward. Here are some signs to look out for in a child:
Blaming themselves for a negative outcome
Thinking thoughts such as “This isn’t fair” or “Why is this happening to me?”
Feeling stuck and that changing for the better isn’t a possible outcome
Feeling angry at the world
Wishing things were different but feeling powerless
Being disappointed in the choices that other people make
Being resentful of things that have happened in the past
Holding grudges
Engaging in behaviors like substance use to escape reality
Isolating themselves from friends and family (withdrawal)
Cognitive distortions can be a sign of a lack of acceptance. These are biased ways of thinking that are likely to result in difficult emotions and destructive behaviors [*].
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
Everyone has the capacity to increase their ability to embrace what is happening in the moment and reduce their suffering. Thankfully, there are helpful steps one can use to gradually build this skill.
Parents and caregivers can teach their child or teen these steps and practice them together:
Identify what triggers (situations or events) make you feel resistant towards reality.
Remind yourself that, in this moment, the reality you are facing cannot be changed.
Accept that the causes of the current situation are outside of your control. (Here’s an activity on the Circle of Control.)
Consider the actions you would take if you had already accepted the situation, and then take those actions.
Visualize the possible outcome of fully accepting the situation. Would you feel calmer? More focused?
Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment or suppression.
Notice how emotions manifest physically in your body. Are you feeling any uncomfortable sensation? This awareness can help you release the tension.
Recognize that you can still maintain hope and that there’s meaning in a painful situation.
Make a conscious decision to practice acceptance, especially during moments when you start resisting reality.
It can be difficult to admit that you are not in control, but it is also very freeing.
Let your child know that in addition to these radical acceptance steps, they can share their thoughts and emotions with you or a trusted counselor. Talking helps them to process their experiences better.
Below are some common scenarios kids and teens face in life and what radical acceptance might look like.
For instance, when dealing with a bad grade, a child can acknowledge the grade without the need to criticize or belittle themselves. They accept that the grade reflects their current understanding, but then they use this as a motivation to study differently or try other helpful strategies to get a better grade next time.
When parents go through a divorce, a child can recognize that their family dynamics have changed and that everyone involved is feeling hurt. However, they focus on maintaining their relationships with both parents (which is within their control) while also seeking advice from a counselor.
During disagreements with close friends, a child can accept the reality that conflicts happen and that some things might not be resolved immediately. While waiting for the right time to talk things out — when everyone feels calmer — they can give their time and energy to other good friends.
Teens missing out on a party they weren’t invited to can focus on enjoying their own plans for the weekend or finding other activities to engage in. They would tell themselves that it’s okay they weren’t invited and can still have fun on their own.
When is Radical Acceptance Appropriate?
Radical acceptance is most applicable in situations that are beyond one’s personal control. These can include the following:
Natural disasters
Dealing with a chronic illness
Losing a loved one
Losing an opportunity
Anything that cannot be undone
Past events that have caused emotional distress also benefit from practicing radical acceptance.
When is Radical Acceptance Inappropriate?
While radical acceptance is such a valuable tool, there are scenarios where it can be counterproductive. Certain situations require action or active intervention in order to keep a person safe. They include:
Abuse, neglect, or harassment
Bullying or disrespect
Discrimination
Unsafe environments
Having suicidal thoughts
The Bottom Line
It’s important to support your child or teen in acknowledging that unpleasant events and hurtful situations happen in life.
You can encourage them to move beyond self-talk like “This shouldn’t have happened” or “It was all my fault” with our radical acceptance examples and steps. Our DBT worksheets can also provide structured support for managing their emotions.
References:
Zeifman, R. J., Boritz, T., Barnhart, R., Labrish, C., & McMain, S. F. (2020). The independent roles of mindfulness and distress tolerance in treatment outcomes in dialectical behavior therapy skills training. Personality Disorders, 11(3), 181–190. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000368
Buğa, Ahmet & Kaya, Idris. (2022). The Role of Cognitive Distortions related Academic Achievement in Predicting the Depression, Stress and Anxiety Levels of Adolescents. International Journal of Contemporary Educational Research. 9. 10.33200/ijcer.1000210.
