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Key Takeaways:
- Permissive parenting is characterized by a lack of rules, little structure, coddling, and an emphasis on freedom.
- While permissive parenting has some positive effects, like open communication and trust between parents and children, it can stunt a child’s emotional development.
- You can create balance within permissive parenting by setting rules, enforcing consequences for bad behavior, and creating healthy boundaries.
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Many parents want to be their child’s best friend, but if they forego boundaries and eliminate consequences, they might be engaging in permissive parenting—also known as lenient parenting.
While permissive parenting has its positives, it can lead to unwanted consequences for your child. Learn what it looks like and how to provide more balance and structure.
What is Permissive Parenting?
Permissive parenting is a loving and nurturing parenting style, typically without the effort to discipline children. It emphasizes warmth and affection but has little to no expectations for maturity, self-control, and discipline.
Permissive parents don’t dictate their children’s choices; their kids often believe they can get away with anything without consequences.
What are the Key Characteristics of Permissive Parents?
Permissive parents don’t often set rules or nag, but will step in if their child needs them. They usually share these traits:
- Emphasize their child’s freedom instead of assigning responsibility
- Allow for natural consequences instead of imposing them
- Seek their child’s input on significant decisions
- Defer to their child’s preferences regarding what to eat, wear, and do
- Set minimal rules, standards, and expectations
- Provide little structure and no schedule
- Act more like a friend, confidant, or ally to their child
- May use bribery to get their child to behave
How Does Permissive Parenting Affect Children’s Development?
Permissive parenting significantly impacts a child’s development, both positively and negatively. For instance, a child with a permissive parent may grow up feeling deeply loved but emotionally stunted. They may struggle with self-control and managing frustration because of a lack of boundaries and consequences [*].
Behaviorally, a child may be more expressive because of their freedom to explore, but be defiant and aggressive when they encounter rules. They might act out in structured environments like school or extracurricular clubs.
Children with permissive parents often grow up confident because they are rarely criticized, but lack real-world accountability. If they don’t flourish in school, they may struggle with failure and become overly reliant on external validation.
What are the Pros of Permissive Parenting?
While indulgent parenting is heavily criticized for its lack of discipline, structure, and expectations, it does offer a few unique benefits.
Strong parent-child bonds
Permissive parents are affectionate, warm, and highly responsive. Because they are excessively nurturing, children develop strong bonds with them. Because of their high trust levels, children may be more comfortable turning to their parents for advice or emotional support.
Children may have high self-esteem
Permissive parents love praising their children, which can tremendously boost their self-esteem. Like gentle parents, permissive parents are non-confrontational and offer comfort when their children make mistakes.
This parenting style can increase a child’s self-worth and encourage them to express individuality [*]. However, when praise lacks structure, children may develop inflated self-esteem. Thus, parents should always provide specific praise.
Encourages open communication
Because permissive parents act like friends, children may feel freer to share their thoughts and feelings, even when they seem inappropriate. Permissive parents often experience open two-way communication with their children, which can help develop their emotional intelligence.
What are the Cons of Permissive Parenting?
Permissive parenting often has adverse effects, as permissive parents are overly lenient and indulgent. Giving children so much free rein can stunt their emotional development and cause the following setbacks.
Lack of self-discipline
Children of permissive parents are used to getting what they want. Pair that with a lack of structure and routine, and a child won’t understand their limits. They may become unruly, less academically motivated, and immature.
Poor social skills
Because children of permissive parents are often coddled and comforted, they can quickly become aggressive when outcomes don’t work in their favor. They may have little emotional understanding of others and may lash out when they experience something emotionally stressful [*].
Difficulty with self-regulation
Children who grow up in permissive households aren’t used to limits, whether they be time limits for watching television or health-related limits like their sugar intake. Thus, they may become addicted to video games, overeat, and stay up all night [*]. Consequently, they are at higher risk of becoming sleep-deprived and obese.
Potential for irresponsible behavior
Children of permissive parents have a high risk of delinquency because they are unfamiliar with boundaries. They don’t have a strong sense of right and wrong, which can lead to rebelliousness in school or with their peers.
When children of permissive parents don’t get what they want, they may become impulsive, selfish, and demanding [*]. They are likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors when they become teenagers and develop tendencies for excessive substance use.
May struggle with school and other structured environments
Permissive parents don’t have high expectations of their children, which can lead to them becoming academically demotivated. They may not see the value of attending class and achieve poor academic performance [*].
What is an Example of Permissive Parenting?
We now know the characteristics and effects of permissive parenting, but what does it look like in action? Suppose a child is throwing a tantrum because they want more screen time or a piece of candy. A permissive parent may give in to get their child to stop crying.
A permissive parent may not reprimand the child if the child talks back or says something disrespectful during the tantrum. Instead, they may excuse the bad behavior as “kids being kids.”
Permissive parents might also give their children too much freedom to make significant decisions at a young age. For example, they might let them choose what they want to eat, regardless of whether their meals are balanced or healthy. They might allow their children to go to bed whenever they want to.
How Can I Change My Parenting Style If I’m Too Permissive?
Often, parents become permissive out of the best intentions—they want their child to feel heard, loved, and cared for. They might dread the idea of enforcing rules if it makes their child unhappy, but they enjoy the positive attention they get from indulging their child’s every desire.
However, the positive qualities of permissive parenting can benefit from a balance of warmth and healthy boundaries. Here are some parenting techniques you can implement if your parenting style is too permissive.
Set clear and consistent rules
The first step in being less permissive is to employ authoritative parenting techniques. This style is firmer and more effective. It focuses on healthy boundaries.
Don’t be shy to institute a few house rules to guide your children toward healthier decisions and mutual respect. When discussing these rules with your child, let them know they exist to guarantee their safety, morality, social skills, and real-world preparedness.
For example, simple rules that enforce morality include using kind words with others, telling the truth, and treating their friends fairly. Rules regarding safety might include avoiding answering the door for strangers or jumping on the furniture to prevent injuries.
Enforce consequences
With rules in place, children must understand the consequences of not following them. Provide logical consequences for defying house rules, like time-outs or losing privileges to screen time and playdates. Ensure you make these consequences proportionate to the child’s defiant behavior.
Learn to say “no”
Learning to say no to a child is crucial for all parents. It might feel bad, but setting boundaries doesn’t have to be harsh. Reframe the word “no” as a form of love. It doesn’t mean rejecting them or restricting them from happiness—it means protecting them.
For example, you might tell your child, “I’m saying no to screen time because your brain needs rest. We can read a book together instead.”
When saying no, be firm but calm. If it helps, you can explain your reason for saying no. For instance, you might say, “I’m saying no to desserts now, but you can have some after dinner. It’s okay to enjoy a sweet treat after a balanced meal.”
Balance warmth with structure
A balance of warmth and structure is the cornerstone of raising a confident, emotionally secure, and self-reliant child. You can achieve this by explaining to your child why healthy boundaries exist.
For example, if your child doesn’t want to do their homework, you can empathize by saying, “I know it’s hard, I would love to play too, but I’m also here to help.”
When your child throws a tantrum, giving in to what they want can be tempting. However, it’s vital to stay firm. At the same time, you should validate their feelings. For example, if they don’t want to go to bed, you can tell them, “I understand you’re frustrated because you still want to watch TV, but you still need to get ready for bed. You’ll feel rested in the morning.”
Reward good behavior
While you shouldn’t spoil your child, rewarding good behavior is essential. Use specific praise so children understand what behaviors to repeat. For example, you might praise them for sharing their toys with a sibling. Let them know the behavior was thoughtful and kind.
Remember to celebrate progress, not perfection. The outcome won’t always be perfect, but children should feel proud of their efforts.
The Bottom Line
While permissive parenting is rooted in love and has good intentions, the right balance can prevent challenges in a child’s emotional and social development.
Help your child develop their social skills further with our social skills worksheets.
Sources:
- Naska Goagoses, Bolz T, Eilts J, et al. “Parenting dimensions/styles and emotion dysregulation in childhood and adolescence: a systematic review and Meta-analysis.” Current Psychology, 2022.
- McAdams TA, Rijsdijk FV, Jurgita Narusyte, et al. “Associations between the parent–child relationship and adolescent self‐worth: a genetically informed study of twin parents and their adolescent children.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 2016.
- Aikaterini Vasiou, Kassis W, Krasanaki A, Aksoy D, Favre CA, Spyridon Tantaros. “Exploring Parenting Styles Patterns and Children’s Socio-Emotional Skills.” Children, 2023.
- Sanvictores T, Mendez MD. “Types of Parenting Styles and Effects on Children.” Nih.gov, 2022.
- Masud S, Syed Hamza Mufarrih, Qureshi NQ, Khan F, Khan S, Khan MN. “Academic Performance in Adolescent Students: The Role of Parenting Styles and Socio-Demographic Factors – A Cross Sectional Study From Peshawar, Pakistan.” Frontiers in Psychology, 2019.
