A research article published in Frontiers for Young Minds explores how the brain responds to the death of a loved one.
Scientists have found that multiple parts of the brain are actively involved in processing loss. These include areas responsible for reward and bonding, emotional responses, pain perception, habits and routines, and memory.
However, they’ve also discovered that over time, as new habits form, the brain slowly adjusts. This means that moments of happiness can return alongside grief.
This research helps us appreciate grief as a complex process that involves both emotional and neurological changes. It reassures parents that it’s normal for young people to experience strong feelings while also being capable of healing and continuing to live a full life.
Understanding the Research
Researchers wanted to show that grief is not only an emotional experience — it also involves real changes in the brain. They describe the brain as a house with different “rooms.”
Each room has a role to play:
Reward room - This room is mainly connected to oxytocin, a chemical messenger in the brain that helps us form loving connections. Researchers believe this strong bonding system may help explain why losing someone can feel so painful. We react to the absence of someone we’ve learned to associate with love and safety.
Pain center - When someone we care about dies, this room becomes very active, which can explain why grief can feel physically painful, like a heavy ache in the chest.
Habit room - This room manages daily routines. It can feel messy when someone they love dies because routines, such as seeing the person every day or sharing regular activities, suddenly change.
Memory room - Even after someone has died, the memory room keeps their memory alive. It helps children remember the special moments they shared with their loved ones. Since the habit room and memory room are separated by a “wall,” daily routines may feel confusing at first.
The researchers also explain that the brain starts to adapt or find a new balance: A child can go on feeling loved by their person, remembering special moments, and enjoying life — even while missing them.
Practical Strategies for Parents and Caregivers
Grief can feel confusing for a child. They may not fully understand what has happened, and they might ask questions about death or why things feel different now. When children ask these questions, it helps to give honest explanations while keeping them age-appropriate.
At the same time, children need emotional support and reassurance from us as they adjust to the loss. Below are a few tips I’d like to share:
Keep their routines as steady as possible
Remember the brain’s “habit room.” Familiar schedules like bedtime, school, meals, or weekend traditions can act as a sense of stability or an anchor while the child’s brain adjusts to the loss. Kids also tend to thrive on routines. They feel safer when they know what to expect each day.
Allow them to talk about the person who died
Many children want to share and even funny moments about their loved ones. It’s okay to talk about the person who died. This reminds children that remembering and loving someone who is gone is normal and a healthy part of grieving.
Let them know that big feelings are normal
Children may feel sadness, anger, guilt, or even fear. Some days they may seem okay, and other days they might cry easily. It’s important to normalize difficult feelings.
You may tell them, “When someone we love dies, we need some time to understand what happened. Whatever you feel, you can always talk to me about it.”
Create small traditions to remember their loved one
You don’t need the perfect words to help a child grieve — sometimes a small tradition can say it all. Sitting together with a photo album, lighting a candle on a special day, planting a tree, or building a memory box together gives the child something to hold onto.
Remember, you don’t have to fix it. Just be there
Children who have lost someone need to feel that they are still held and loved. Other caregivers, such as grandparents, relatives, and close family friends, can provide that anchor. Keep routines where you can. Offer hugs freely. Say their loved one’s name. Sit with them even when neither of you has words.
Healing doesn’t follow a schedule. With time and room to feel whatever they feel, children may realize that joy can coexist with remembering.
If your child or teen is struggling, download our Grief Worksheets. Use them to help young people process grief in a supportive environment.
