Why “Good Enough” Parenting Helps Children Thrive Without Perfection

Now more than ever, moms and dads are thinking about what it means to be the best parent possible. The surprising answer is “good enough” parenting. This parenting style is what makes for resilient, independent, and confident kids. When we don’t obsess over perfection, we subconsciously equip our children with the tools to rely on themselves.

In this article, we’ll explore what “good enough” parenting looks like in action and how to shift your focus from fixing your child to nurturing their potential.

What is “Good Enough” Parenting?

“Good enough” parenting is a responsive parenting style that doesn’t aim for perfection. The “good enough” parent is a concept developed by English psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott. He purported that the ordinary mother is a devoted one, and that the natural instincts of mothers help create stable, healthy families. [*]

The “good enough” mother is highly responsive to their infant child’s needs. They create a safe environment that makes the baby feel secure. This high level of care builds a trusting foundation for the child. As the child grows older, the mother stops immediately fulfilling their every need. In doing so, the child learns that they are a separate entity from their mother, and they eventually grow into an independent and resilient person.

The goal of good enough parenting is to meet a child’s basic emotional and physical needs. Instead of aiming for perfection, a good enough parent strives to be consistent, especially when their child is distressed. However, they won’t coddle their child by jumping straight into problem-solving on their behalf.

Here’s an example of what good enough parenting looks like in action:

Let’s say your child is struggling with their homework and starts melting down while you’re preparing dinner. They beg you for the right answers.

Instead of dropping everything and explaining every answer to their child, a good-enough parent will first finish what they’re doing, then say, “We can review your assignment together later, but first, I need to finish preparing dinner. For now, maybe you can take a short reset until you’re calm.”

Why Perfection in Parenting Can Do More Harm Than Good

Perfectionist parents are often the first to burn out. Maintaining a “perfect parent” facade can be tiring, and you may even end up resenting your child. Pushing your child toward perfection also creates unrealistic expectations and sets them up for a fear of failure in their later years.

Over time, children with perfectionist parents might develop anxiety as a result of the parent being overcontrolling [*]. A perfectionist environment can make the world seem threatening to a child, which can cause anxiety.

On top of becoming anxious, a child with perfectionist parents also becomes less resilient, even over small changes. If you’re constantly trying to “clean up” your child’s messes at home, at school, and with their friends, they don’t learn to manage tolerable stress.

All this pressure leads to all-or-nothing thinking, wherein a child can only see themselves as perfect or as failures.

How Good Enough Parenting Helps Children Thrive

“Good enough” parenting isn’t about underachieving. Instead, you’re equipping your child with the tools they need to survive in an imperfect environment.

While a perfectionist parent will aim to keep the family dynamic positive and unfaltering at all times, the “good enough” parent will teach their child that healthy relationships can endure conflict. This behavior creates emotional security and provides reassurance for children.

Children raised with this approach also tend to become more independent because mom and dad aren’t always rushing to their side to help. They get the chance to think, try, and solve problems on their own. They are more autonomous in their decision-making.

This independence also creates resilience and high frustration tolerance. When a child is allowed to fail, they learn to get back up again without becoming overly frustrated—this plays a significant role in emotional regulation [*]. Children feel far less pressure to avoid making mistakes and are instead eager to do better.

Signs You’re Already a Good Enough Parent

It can be hard to tell whether you’re a “good enough” parent because the signs are usually subtle. However, you can tell that you’re living up to “good enough” parent status if your child feels they can confide in you and experience their full range of emotions. In a “good enough” home, a child isn’t afraid of expressing themselves or experiencing strong emotions.

On top of that, they won’t feel they need to turn to you for help with every aspect of their lives. Because a “good enough” parent allows their children to experience small failures, these kids embrace their agency.

Another sign of a “good enough” parent is the ability to apologize. Modeling accountability reminds children that hurting or disagreeing with a loved one isn’t the end of the world, but something that requires work, humility, and responsibility.

Ways to Practice Good Enough Parenting

Practicing “good enough” parenting means letting go of control and choosing to work hand-in-hand with your child. Below, we explore four ways you can exercise your “good enough” parenting skills.

Let go of unrealistic expectations

Being ambitious as a parent is a good thing, but you don’t want to overdo it to the point of perfection. If your parental to-do list includes making sure your child is in good spirits 24/7, it’s time to rethink your strategy.

Parents have a tough job, and sometimes making sure your child gets three well-rounded meals and enough sleep every day is the best you can do. Don’t focus on the extraordinary things you can achieve in a day. Shift your efforts toward making your child feel safe and cared for.

Focus on connection over control

Parenting shouldn’t feel like a dictatorship. When we fall into the trap of seeing our children as an extension of ourselves, we might become tempted to control how they behave in public, what their daily schedule is, and how they express themselves. Doing this only makes them anxious.

When we connect with our kids by talking with them, being patient, and providing a safe environment, they will become less resistant to our guidance.

Instead of telling your child to be quiet and go to their room when they’re upset, tell them, “I can see you’re frustrated right now. Let’s take a break to calm down and talk again later.”

Giving your child this kind of agency helps de-escalate the situation and makes your relationship more trusting.

Allow age-appropriate independence

Teaching your child to become independent means giving them room to make mistakes without leaving them to feel helpless.

The key to finding a sweet spot is keeping the process gradual. For example, in early childhood, you might assign simple tasks like putting toys away, whereas you might trust a pre-teen with something more complex, such as time management.

Don’t provide too much independence at once. Pay close attention to their potential and what they’re already capable of.

Normalize mistakes

Children shouldn’t feel ashamed when they make a mistake. As a parent, it’s up to you to normalize “messing up.” If your child spills juice when pouring it from a pitcher, keep things light. Say, “Oops! Clean up on aisle 5!”

Another way to normalize mistakes is to self-correct out loud. Narrating your mistakes helps your child see what the process of being accountable looks like.

Common Misconceptions About Good Enough Parenting

Being a “good enough” parent doesn’t mean being lazy. You’re not “checking out” or neglecting your child. You’re being responsive most of the time, but not all the time.

For example, a “good enough” parent might not attend to their child immediately when they’re too busy. Instead, they’ll finish their task first, then attend to their child.

Another common misconception about “good enough” parenting is that it’s passive and that parents simply eliminate the concept of discipline. In fact, “good enough” discipline focuses more on creating clear, healthy boundaries together and teaching your child what natural consequences might look like.

For example, if a child gets frustrated building a LEGO set and knocks it over, a “good enough” parent won’t sit there and build the tower for them. It’ll be up to the child to start over.

Ultimately, “good enough” parenting is about balance, not doing the bare minimum. While doing the bare minimum might look like absolving yourself of a parent’s responsibilities, doing what’s good enough is about giving your child enough room to discover their own potential.

The Bottom Line

A good parent isn’t a perfect one. They’re someone who gets their child to believe in themselves, even when times are hard.

Be part of your child’s growth and nurture their independence with our collection of worksheets. Each worksheet targets an aspect of your child’s life that can help them become well-rounded adults.

Sources:

1. Winnicott D. “PLAYING & REALITY.” Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena, 1971.
2. Affrunti NW, Woodruff-Borden J. “Parental Perfectionism and Overcontrol: Examining Mechanisms in the Development of Child Anxiety.” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 2014.
3. Calkins SD, Dedmon SE, Gill KL, Lomax LE, Johnson LM. “Frustration in Infancy: Implications for Emotion Regulation, Physiological Processes, and Temperament.” Infancy, 2010.