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Key Takeaways:
- Self-control means regulating one’s thoughts, actions, and behaviors in different settings.
- Some effective ways to teach self-control include modeling good behaviors, offering specific praise, and turning teaching moments into engaging games.
- Developing self-control can support kids in their learning, relationships with others, and everyday decision-making.
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Self-control for kids isn’t just a natural trait. It’s a mental muscle that takes practice, trial and error, and continued efforts. When you frame managing impulses as a superpower instead of a constant battle against bad behavior, teaching kids self-control can be an inspiring process.
Let’s explore what self-control in kids looks like and six fun, unique ways to help make better choices.
Self-Control Definition for Kids
Self-control refers to the ability to manage thoughts, actions, and behaviors. In children, it isn’t an inherent trait, but it can be shaped and developed as they grow. Self-control might look like waiting in line, taking turns, and sitting still.
The three ways children develop self-control include the following:
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Movement: avoiding moving in inappropriate ways
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Impulse: thinking before acting or saying something
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Emotion: persevering, even during difficult times
Teaching children self-control at an early age can be beneficial for their academic success, social development, and decision-making skills [*]. In practice, this could involve verbalizing their emotions to peers instead of having tantrums, thinking about their actions before acting impulsively, or delaying gratification to complete essential tasks.
6 Ways to Teach Kids Self-Control and Make Better Choices
Looking for simple but effective ways to teach your child self-control? Try these activities.
1. Explain what self-control means
The key to explaining self-control to children is to keep it simple and relatable. Use easy-to-grasp concepts like a stoplight. Suppose your child is having trouble taking turns. Ask them to put up a mental stoplight, like such:
- STOP and take a deep breath.
- THINK about what the goal is and the consequences of acting a certain way.
- GO and choose the best way to handle the situation.
Another way to explain self-control is as a muscle. When you use the muscle, such as by patiently waiting for your turn or finishing chores before watching TV. When you don’t use the muscle, it’ll stay weak, and you’ll struggle to make good choices.
You can also introduce books about self-control. As you read together, stop to analyze character choices. Note any part of the story wherein the character must make a decision and discuss the outcomes with your child. Choose books with clear themes, such as learning to stay calm, managing anger, and practicing patience.
2. Model healthy self-control
When something frustrating happens, narrate your thought process out loud. For example, if you’re in a rush and spill coffee on the floor, react calmly. You might say out loud, “Ugh, I spilled all the coffee! It’s okay, it was an accident. I’ll take a few breaths to calm down, then clean it up.”
Show your child what coping skills to use. For example, you might take a few deep breaths or take a break if you’re feeling too frustrated. If you lose composure, acknowledge it and apologize. You might say, “I’m so sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling upset, and I see how that might have been uncomfortable for you. I’m working on staying calmer.”
Remember, children learn a great deal by watching their parents. When you’re calm during a stressful situation, your child will learn to follow suit. Co-regulate with your child when they’re experiencing strong emotions. Avoid reacting emotionally and use your presence to keep them calm.
3. Teach kids to pause before reacting
Teaching kids to pause before reacting is the cornerstone of impulse control and emotional regulation. Give your child a memorable and straightforward method for “hitting pause.” You might use a hand signal or use a catchphrase, such as “red light!”
As they hit pause, take a second to help them reflect on their emotions. When they know what’s triggering an impulse, they can control it. Start by helping them develop their emotional vocabulary with a feelings list. Use the chart to label their emotions. Help them identify body cues. For example, you might notice, “I noticed your hands are balled into fists, and you’re raising your voice. Are you feeling angry or upset?”
4. Teach coping skills
For a child to exercise self-control, they need structured and specific coping skills. There are two types of skills you can teach them: body-focused and emotional.
For physical and sensory coping skills, keep things simple. Try progressive muscle relaxation, which involves squeezing all the muscles in the body, holding them for a few seconds, and slowly letting go. This exercise teaches body awareness and helps children release physical tightness.
Another strategy is grounding. For example, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique teaches kids to name five things they see, four things they can touch, three things they hear, two things they smell, and one thing they taste. This activity distracts the mind from the emotional trigger and encourages kids to be in the present moment.
One helpful emotion-focused coping tool is a feelings thermometer, which children can use to gauge what they’re feeling and how intensely they’re feeling it.
5. Practice self-control through play
Play is a fun and natural way for children to learn. Even time spent in free, unstructured play can improve a child’s impulses and emotional regulation [*]. When they’re engaged, learning to listen, wait, and control themselves is far less boring!
One way to practice inhibitory control is through games like freeze dance. Children must dance when the music is on and freeze in position when it stops to practice body control and listening to cues.
Other games that require slow and precise movements include Jenga, which involves carefully removing blocks from a tower without toppling it over.
Most importantly, you should focus effort and control—not just winning or losing. Praise your child for the work they put into learning the game’s mechanics.
6. Praise effort
When giving praise, be specific about what your child did well. For example, you can praise how patient they were when waiting in line for an ice cream. Keep your praise calm and genuine, as overly enthusiastic reactions can sometimes cause the child to focus on the approval rather than their efforts.
Label the skill your child demonstrated and use descriptive language. For instance, “You showed great focus when doing your homework today,” or “I know you were really frustrated when you knocked over your blocks, but you did a great job staying calm and putting them back together.”
The Bottom Line
Understanding how to teach kids self-control puts you in an excellent position to turn this abstract rule into a practical tool for everyday life.
Explore more coping skills worksheets to impart helpful lessons as your child learns to regulate their emotions.
Sources:
- “Self-Control May Lie at the Heart of Student Success.” Association for Psychological Science, 2025.
- Bredikyte M, Brandisauskiene A. “Pretend play as the space for development of self-regulation: cultural-historical perspective.” Frontiers in Psychology, 2023.
