Self-esteem is not something children are born with or something that stays the same forever. It grows and changes throughout life as kids gain new skills, build relationships, face challenges, and experience both success and disappointment.
Because childhood is a time of rapid growth, it is an important stage for developing healthy self-esteem. The good news is that parents and caregivers play a powerful role in influencing children’s view of themselves.
Friendships, school experiences, personality, and life events may influence self-esteem, but the support children receive at home lays a strong foundation.
Build a strong foundation through love and security
A child’s self-esteem starts to develop from the very beginning of life. Every time you comfort your baby, respond to their cries, or meet their needs, you communicate your love.
Our actions as parents and caregivers teach babies that they can trust the people who care for them.
Some parents worry that comforting their baby too much may lead to dependence. However, responding to your baby’s needs helps them feel safe, which encourages healthy emotional development and confidence [*].
Support independence with small responsibilities
Children feel good about themselves when they know they are trusted to help. Being given real responsibilities (not just busywork) lets them know that they are capable and needed.
Choose tasks that match a child’s age and abilities.
At home, younger children can help set the table or put away toys, while older children can pack their school bag, help prepare simple meals, or care for a pet. At school, they can hand out classroom supplies or lead a small group activity.
Spend quality time together
When children have regular moments of connection with their parents or caregivers, they are more likely to develop healthy self-esteem because they know they matter.
Research also shows that the more time parents spend with their children, especially during everyday activities and leisure time, the higher children's well-being tends to be [*].
Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive or take up your whole day.
During the week, you might read together before bed, eat dinner as a family, or take a short walk around the neighborhood. You can also play a board game or simply talk about each other’s day without distractions.
On weekends, plan activities you can enjoy together. Visit a local park, ride bikes, bake a favorite recipe, or make a craft. You could also explore a museum or go on a nature walk.
Discover what they enjoy
Does your child light up when they’re drawing, kicking a soccer ball, reading, or playing music? Every child has unique interests and strengths.
Taking the time to discover what your child enjoys gives them opportunities to develop new skills and experience success. Once your child finds an activity they enjoy, encourage them to keep exploring it.
They don’t have to be the best at it right away. Encourage them to stick with it long enough to see improvement while also recognizing when an activity truly isn’t the right fit.
Research suggests that hobbies support healthy self-esteem. They also encourage positive friendships and reduce conflict with peers [*].
Teach (and model) positive self-talk
Positive self-talk is the way we encourage ourselves when things don’t go as planned. It doesn’t mean pretending everything is easy. It means speaking to yourself with kindness and hope.
Some children can be very hard on themselves, especially after failing a test or losing a game. If your child often says they can’t do anything right or they’re not good enough, it may be a sign that they are struggling with self-esteem.
Instead of brushing off their feelings, let your child know it’s okay to feel disappointed. Then help them look at the situation in a more balanced way. For example, you might say, “You didn’t pass this test, but you can learn from it and do better next time.”
Try to model positive self-talk in your own life, too. If you make a mistake, avoid putting yourself down. Instead, let your child hear that you’ll try again. Children are always listening, and they learn how to talk to themselves by hearing how you talk to yourself.
Offer genuine praise
As children get older, they become better at recognizing praise that isn’t genuine.
Comments like “You’re the best!” or “You’re amazing at everything!” may sound encouraging, but if they don't match reality, children may stop believing them. They may also feel pressure to always live up to those expectations.
Highlight the actions that led to success. You might say, “You kept trying different ways until you solved it,” or “You worked hard to finish your homework.” Focus more on effort and persistence than on natural talent or perfect results.
Children benefit from this kind of encouragement at school as well. When teachers connect good grades or completed assignments to a child’s effort, students learn that success comes from practicing and sticking with difficult tasks [*].
Encourage healthy friendships
Positive friendships help children feel accepted and valued. They also give children many chances to practice social skills like sharing, listening, and solving problems.
You can start by talking about what makes a good friend. Explain that good friends are kind, trustworthy, and respectful. They celebrate each other’s successes and do not feel jealous or try to outdo one another.
If your child struggles to make friends, look for opportunities to connect with other children through sports, clubs, community events, or after-school activities.
Set realistic expectations
Children thrive when expectations are challenging but achievable. An example would be asking your child to make their bed each morning before expecting them to keep their entire room spotless.
Moreover, understand that every child has their own pace of development. One child may become a strong reader early on, while another may excel in creativity or athletics. Give your child the time and support they need to grow.
Create a safe and nurturing environment
Home should be a place where your child feels safe to be themselves. They need to know they can express their feelings or make mistakes without fear of being criticized.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to dismiss a child’s feelings without realizing it. Comments like, “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’ll get over it,” may seem harmless, but they can make children feel as though their emotions don’t matter.
A nurturing environment also includes clear rules and consistent boundaries. Children feel more secure when they know what to expect. Use loving correction. Help them understand that discipline is meant to teach, not punish.
Know when they may need extra support
It’s normal for children to have moments when they doubt themselves. A poor test grade, an argument with a friend, or losing a game can temporarily affect their confidence. Most children bounce back when they’re reassured.
However, there are times when low self-esteem may need extra attention. Watch for signs such as frequent negative self-talk, giving up easily, or avoiding challenges.
Notice whether these behaviors happen consistently and in different settings, such as both at home and at school, rather than after a single disappointment. Ask their teachers if they’re noticing them as well.
Persistent low self-esteem can sometimes be linked to other concerns, such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or learning difficulties. A pediatrician or licensed mental health professional can help determine what’s going on and recommend the right support.
